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Message Icon Topic: Dating in Islam-- Post Reply Post New Topic
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Adeena Imani
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Quote Adeena Imani Replybullet Topic: Dating in Islam--
    Posted: 10 October 2012 at 7:45am

Hello everyone, Assalamualaikum to you all.

I am a new Muslim—I just converted this past One Ramadan and I am in need of “relationship” advice— I have just learned that Dating is not permissible in Islam. I have learned that we are only to court once two people have a marriage in mind—even then, all of the meetings need to follow Islam Guidelines—we can’t be alone with one another, we need to be respectful and not too intimate. And both families need to be aware that these two people are “courting” with a marriage in mind.

After doing a bit of research on this, I am willing to do whatever needs to be done in order to please Allah. I want to please him and make him happy. 

I think that the view on Marriage in Islam is perfect and beautiful. I hope to have a blessed union with a good Muslim Man someday. I hope to have a man with a strong Deen—A man who places Allah first in his life.

I need to ask you about what I should do; but first- I want to give you all some background on the issue that is happening—

 

I met and fell in love with a Muslim while I was backpacking through Southeast Asia—My journey to Islam actually began before he and I ever met but once I met him and was able to stay with him and his family for a total of two months—I learned even more about islam and was surprised to find that it was the true religion and that led to my conversion.

 

Well, when this man and I met, I wasn’t muslim yet. And he wasn’t following muslim guidelines on many things.. there was lots of alcohol involved and we used to have sex.  Once I realized that I wanted to convert to Islam, I of course realized how terrible we were in the eyes of Allah and I put an end to our intimacy. (I stopped drinking of course too!)

When I converted, he told me how he was inspired to become a better muslim. He wanted to stop drinking, and he wanted to only do good things.

 

So we continued our relationship with the idea that we were going to get married. This is a tricky situation however because right now, we are doing a “long distance” relationship and inshyallah, I wont see him again until early next year sometime when I hope to go back to work in his country.

His family were fine with it and I thought things were fine.

 So we have been keeping in touch with facebook and skype face to face chats.

Until just the other day I discovered that dating isn’t permissible in Islam.

What should I do?

I feel that Allah wants me to break up with him. I just think that if he truly wants to marry me, then he will be just fine without being in a “relationship” with me. And if I am able to go back to his country, then Allah will work things out, if that is what Allah has in store for me and for him.

 

I have said that I want a true Muslim man, a good leader, a good husband, with a strong deen.

Because I started my relationship with Shaitan—alcohol and sex—with this particular man, im not so sure about things.

 

If I break things off with him, how should we even continue a correspondence? I do love this man. But I do have doubts about him sometimes.I want to put my entire trust in Allah.

 

Since we are long distance=== and dating is not permissible .. are emails okay?Should we discontinue skype face to face chats? what should be the guidelines here?

 

What do you guys think?



Edited by Adeena Imani - 10 October 2012 at 7:48am
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Chrysalis
 
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Quote Chrysalis Replybullet Posted: 25 October 2012 at 8:02am
Salam Alaikum Adeena,

I think you know in your heart whether or not he is serious.

The best thing would be for you to get married, if you both do love each other and you have considered practical aspects of this relationship. You should also think thrice before moving to his country of residence. Make sure this is a trustworthy person, and will you really be able to live in this country in Southeast Asia? Even after the honeymoon period is over? Away from family and friends and your support group?

If he is not concious of his responsibilities as a Muslim man (towards you and God), can he be trusted to do right by you in the future?

Are you sure he was not taking advantage of your willingness of having a sexual affair, and he REALLY is serious?

It would not be advisable to maintain contact with him through Skype or emails either. If you decide that you need to break up, then it will be best for the both of you to break contact and move on...

Scholars say that if something is not initiated the right way, it cannot have a blessed ending. So if in your heart you feel that you got together for the wrong reasons... think about it. However if both of you indeed have changed, you can still fix this by going about your relationship the 'Halal' (Permissible way).

All the best to you Sis!

My advise in a nutshell would be, if he doesn't want to marry you in the coming year, break up all contact with him. Pray for the best, and wait for what Allah has in store for you. Allah does not disappoint His faithful slaves.
"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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5purplemarbles
 
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Quote 5purplemarbles Replybullet Posted: 24 December 2012 at 8:23pm
Salaam alaykum sister.

Welcome to Islam and the truth...im so glad you found your way. And what a wonderful time to be brought into being a Muslimah than Ramadan...wow may Allah swt bless you.

This is a hard issue and I know the other sister brought up a good point, and me being a year old convert to Islam , I just want to say that i have also heard that if a relationship doesnt start off right and in a haram way then you cant get the blessing of Allah swt.   But in your case not being muslim yet at the time i dont know how that factors in. Sister Chrysalis insha Allah maybe can help us both here.

But I think your amazing sister and your thinking is wonderful, because really only one thing matters is wanting to please Allah swt. And I also think its wonderful that you have encouraged this brother to come back to want to practice the faith and be a good muslim. Alhamdulillah.

As far as dating goes, if you both stay very neutral by talking or skyping and keeping it halal then this is not dating. no sweet words, no talk of relationship or love, then i think this is ok. But again im a new muslim and would love a more senior sister to please be here to consult on my ideas and i welcome their views of course. But always remember your modesty, in pictures or skype and your words. And talking about islam and your jobs and family and news and your countries I think is great. We are sisters and brothers.

But the sister is also correct in her thoughts about questioning him as a muslim man who would commit haram act with you. Please think about this carefully. If he can do this and step away from the faith who knows if he can do again. There are many strong muslim brothers in this world, who fear Allah swt, let it happen when its supposed to and dont settle for less, your amazing new muslim......you do need someone strong in deen. Its out there. pray dua for Allah swt to bless you with a muslim man who is for you as he is the only one who knows your story. Trust in him, i know you have an amazing start. Im speaking from experience as im making dua for a wonderful muslim man to be married to me. insha Allah.

hope to talk more with you sooon. we are all here for you dear sister. and please any sisters who want to help both her and I please feel welcome, as i always want to say the right things.

salaam alaykum
Salaam Alaykum my dear sisters and brothers......May Allah swt Bless You always....
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Quote lady Replybullet Posted: 17 January 2013 at 2:49pm
Salaams sisters. You need to be careful about marrying a foreignor. Alot of people want to come to america, and they will do anything to get here just because of what THEY think america can offer to them.  I have seen good women get their heart break for greed from them.  Even if they are rich, alot of them still have the desire to come here.  I speak this because I know this life personally with myself and with other women.  The ending story is usually the same for all even if you are beautiful and a wonderful person. I think that if you feel like you can not trust him, then get away from him.  But if you are courting him, then make sure that you are not alone with chatting with him, unless you need to ask him personaq questions that is benefiical to know before marriage.  He can tell you that he stopped drinking, but you dont know his life. And neither do you know his family.  I think that reputation is everything. That is why when we look for a job, we have to have references who can speak about us. So you dont know his family or have a neutral people who can give you information about him. Make istekara about this guy. My advice is that even though marriage is great if you marrying a good person, but you just converted to islam. Build a strong knowledge about islam first and who you are as a muslim, before you marry a guy.  With converts they are so excited about getting married so quickly. I understand this feeling so much but they should give themselve time with learning the deen first, and many things.  Look alot of people are not practicing islam like it should be practiced. So you may marry a guy who says he is muslim but he is not doing what he needs to do. Because you may not know the faith well, you may not know what his or your responsibility is as a muslim.  And then later if you learn about islam more, you may see that he was not a good muslim and is not willing to change for your rights as a wife.  There are alot of good muslim men out there.  So please be patient and please be careful. 
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Chrysalis
 
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Quote Chrysalis Replybullet Posted: 06 February 2013 at 4:16pm
Originally posted by 5purplemarbles

Salaam alaykum sister.

 I just want to say that i have also heard that if a relationship doesnt start off right and in a haram way then you cant get the blessing of Allah swt.   But in your case not being muslim yet at the time i dont know how that factors in. Sister Chrysalis insha Allah maybe can help us both here.


As'sallamualaikum Sis Purplemarble,

As far as I know (others pls correct me if I am wrong) the ''if you don't start of right, you are deprived of blessings'' is just a saying. Its not something the Prophet (saw) said etc. True, if you initiate anything, including a relationship, with God consciousness, then Allah will definitely bless it. As Muslims we believe that if we do things with the right intentions, and the right way - Allah will give us reward for it and bless it. That doesn't mean it will always work out. Allah alone Knows the fate of our plans and decisions.

Similarly, we cannot say for sure that a marriage that took place in not-so ideal situations is doomed. For all we know, the couple could change for good and really make there life good. If a non-muslim couple embraces Islam, even though their marriage was conducted in their non-muslim days - it could still be a very beautiful relationship.

The advice was more on a practical side. The odds do not seem to favor marriages like these because of the factors in play. I find nothing wrong with the poster, just the man she is in love with. He doesn't fit the bill of a committing Muslim husband. As a Muslim myself, I would never want my sisters to  marry such a man.



As far as dating goes, if you both stay very neutral by talking or skyping and keeping it halal then this is not dating. no sweet words, no talk of relationship or love, then i think this is ok. But again im a new muslim and would love a more senior sister to please be here to consult on my ideas and i welcome their views of course. But always remember your modesty, in pictures or skype and your words. And talking about islam and your jobs and family and news and your countries I think is great. We are sisters and brothers.


True, we are sisters and brothers - and there is no harm in interacting with the opposite gender when it comes to necessity and professional reasons, but muslims (especially women, because they are vulnerable) should try and not fraternize with men. Since the poster is in love with the man in question, it would not be a good idea to continue on Skype etc without being emotionally involved. Remember, emotions cloud our judgement. Often our parents and trusted friends can give us good advice about choosing suitors - because they are not emotionally blinded.

So its still better to not be in touch with men over internet and talk.

Btw, a belated welcome to  the forums Sister Purplemarble! See you around :)

"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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us2inNorway
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Quote us2inNorway Replybullet Posted: 08 February 2013 at 12:21pm
Originally posted by lady

Salaams sisters. You need to be careful about marrying a foreignor. Alot of people want to come to america, and they will do anything to get here just because of what THEY think america can offer to them. 
 
We could not agree more!
Well written Lady... Thumbs%20Up
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Adeena Imani
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Quote Adeena Imani Replybullet Posted: 09 February 2013 at 11:46am
Walaikum Salaam sisters--  heartfelt thank you to you all for offering words of encouragement and advice-- Alhamdulillah for Allah swt allowing us all to be vehicles and means for one another to grow closer to him.

It's been quite awhile since I posted all of this-- after months of correspondence online, we just formally "broke-up" with each other yesterday.

Alhamdulillah. Because Allah swt has allowed me to grow closer to him through studying our blessed Quran, through watching very good lectures online, through reading amazing articles written by our brothers and sister.. In particular, I'd like to point to our sister Yasmin Mogahed-- she has written MUCH about relationships, love addictions, and falling in love with the REAL THING--- Allah swt.

The man that I spoke about in my first post: I am still in love with him, but I know that everything in this dunya happens for a reason-- Allah swt has personally chosen situations for us so that we can hopefully get closer to him, and become better muslims. All situations we find ourselves in are a gift, just as our prophet (saw) has said: everything that happens to the muslim is good. Positive situations are gifts of ease, while our perceived negative situations are good for us too! If we react with patience and prayer, they purify us..

The situation with the man mentioned, hurts me. I want to be with him someday, but only Allah swt knows what is best. Ultimately, I want what Allah swt wants for me.. and while, I hope that someday, this man and I do end up together, I realize that what we don't like may be good for us and what we do like may be horrible for us.

SO, now I am going through the test of trying to be patient and trying to put all of my trust in Allah swt. And his decisions for me. No matter what, it is good for me.. no matter how much pain I am experiencing.

Please pray for me sisters. This is certainly a difficult time for me.. it is best that the man I mentioned, and I, cut off all contact with another.

I would LOVE to keep in touch, but as one sister pointed out, and as I know, I am too emotionally attached to this man for it to be a safe environment for me.

I pray that I can grow content with Allah's swt decision for me, and that I can grow closer to him, and this this situation makes me better.

When I was in his country, I did end up spending two months with his family, so we grew very close. His family is a good family.. his mother and father are both practicing muslims.. who visit the masjid every day for prayers. His mother especially, was helpful to me after I converted to Islam.

I have decided that I will begin to send letters and notes to his parents, in order to keep in touch with them at least.

I considered them my family-- and they considered my their daughter. It's just a shame that the man I spoke of-- doesn't have a strong deen at the moment=== BUT only Allah swt knows best.. that is not for me to judge right now.

Any comments are welcome. I value all that you sister may have to contribute---

I only want to say what is best here.... all that is good is from our Allah swt, all that I said that isn't good is from me.

Peace and blessings upon you all-- <3

One article can be found here, for anyone interested: http://www.yasminmogahed.com/2011/11/13/why-do-people-have-to-leave-each-other/




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