Active TopicsActive Topics  Display List of Forum MembersMemberlist  CalendarCalendar  Search The ForumSearch  HelpHelp
  RegisterRegister  LoginLogin  Old ForumOld Forum  Twitter  Facebook
Advertisement:
         

Groups – Men (Brothers)
 IslamiCity Forum - Islamic Discussion Forum : Culture & Community : Groups – Men (Brothers)
Message Icon Topic: Marital woes - In a dilemma Post Reply Post New Topic
Page  of 2 Next >>
Author Message
Al-Raheem
Male Islam
Starter.
Starter.
Avatar

Joined: 14 September 2012
Location: Singapore
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 7
Quote Al-Raheem Replybullet Topic: Marital woes - In a dilemma
    Posted: 14 September 2012 at 10:28am
Assalamualaikum,

I seek advice from my Muslim brothers in this forum for a dilemma I am in right now. I am married, have gone through a simple solemnization at a mosque and held a simple walimah for family members and relatives as well as those present. That was in Dec 2011. Initially both me and my wife was pressured by our parents to hold a grand reception on Dec 2012. However, after discussing with my wife, we decided not to hold the wedding reception. My wife's family agreed to our decision however my parents do not agree and wants to hold the reception as planned.

My wife and my mother in law told me if my mother were to go ahead with the wedding reception, they will not be attending. I tried talking to my parents but to no avail. Subhanallah.

What should I do? I am trying to be a good husband as well as a filial son for both my mother and my mother in law. The reason for me not wanting to hold a wedding reception is because I find it wasteful. I rather my parents donate the S$20,000 to an orphanage rather than spending it on my wedding reception. Any brothers care to advise?

Wedding of Fatimah (RA) youngest daughter of Prophet Muhammad (SAW) - http://www.islamicsites.com/fatima_wedding.asp

IP IP Logged
nothing
 
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 09 November 2008
Location: Andorra
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 417
Quote nothing Replybullet Posted: 14 September 2012 at 9:35pm
Originally posted by Al-Raheem

I rather my parents donate the S$20,000 to an orphanage rather than spending it on my wedding reception. Any brothers care to advise?

I can't agree more with you. To me it is just weird to have wedding party one year later, its a waste. Try to ask them what is the gain by having late lavish ceremony? I suspect its probably involved an "honor" or a "good name", or kind of it.

Hopefully you get the best outcome.

Salaam.



IP IP Logged
abuayisha
 
Senior Member
Senior  Member
Avatar

Joined: 05 October 1999
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 4334
Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 14 September 2012 at 9:46pm

Wasteful or not, you and your wife agreed to a grand reception, and better for you to keep your word.  I assume your parents have many friends and family who were unable to attend the simple walimah, and likely they've been promised an invitation to the grand reception.  Is your wife's family expected to share the expense for the event?  Perhaps if you take an active role in planning you may be able to cut costs, and save your parents a few thousand dollars.  Let them have their enjoyment, after all you promised.  They are the last people on earth you want to disappoint in my opinion.  By the way, how much time elapsed prior to changing your mind?



Edited by abuayisha - 14 September 2012 at 10:03pm
IP IP Logged
Al-Raheem
Male Islam
Starter.
Starter.
Avatar

Joined: 14 September 2012
Location: Singapore
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 7
Quote Al-Raheem Replybullet Posted: 14 September 2012 at 11:45pm
Originally posted by nothing


Originally posted by Al-Raheem

I rather my parents donate the S$20,000 to an orphanage rather than spending it on my wedding reception. Any brothers care to advise?
I can't agree more with you. To me it is just weird to have wedding party one year later, its a waste. Try to ask them what is the gain by having late lavish ceremony? I suspect its probably involved an "honor" or a "good name", or kind of it. Hopefully you get the best outcome.Salaam.


Yeah well as they put it to let people know we are married, those who did not attend or was not present at the walimah.
IP IP Logged
Al-Raheem
Male Islam
Starter.
Starter.
Avatar

Joined: 14 September 2012
Location: Singapore
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 7
Quote Al-Raheem Replybullet Posted: 14 September 2012 at 11:51pm
Originally posted by abuayisha

Wasteful or not, you and your wife agreed to a grand reception, and better for you to keep your word.  I assume your parents have many friends and family who were unable to attend the simple walimah, and likely they've been promised an invitation to the grand reception.  Is your wife's family expected to share the expense for the event?  Perhaps if you take an active role in planning you may be able to cut costs, and save your parents a few thousand dollars.  Let them have their enjoyment, after all you promised.  They are the last people on earth you want to disappoint in my opinion.  By the way, how much time elapsed prior to changing your mind?



Well actually S$20000 is already me cutting the costs. My wife's family do not need o fork out a single cent. It's just that from our engagement to our nikah and now to our reception my mother wants to take control of everything and that's what my wife do not agree. And my wife don't want to have the reception as it will cause conflict between MY father and mother. As my father will provide the money and my mother wants to make the whole reception as grand as possible. That's where the conflict starts.
IP IP Logged
Al-Raheem
Male Islam
Starter.
Starter.
Avatar

Joined: 14 September 2012
Location: Singapore
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 7
Quote Al-Raheem Replybullet Posted: 15 September 2012 at 12:25am
Just FYI,my brother (the eldest, I'm the 2nd child) got married in 2010. My father foot the bill for our side of the wedding.It costs way more than what they are planning for me right now. From the moment they planned my brother's wedding till today my brother has a son, they have been quarreling and arguing about money. Subhanallah. This is the real reason why both me and my wife do not want to hold the reception.
IP IP Logged
hakeema
Female Islam
Groupie
Groupie


Joined: 10 October 2005
Location: United States
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 97
Quote hakeema Replybullet Posted: 19 October 2012 at 4:35am
Originally posted by Al-Raheem

Assalamualaikum,

I seek advice from my Muslim brothers in this forum for a dilemma I am in right now. I am married, have gone through a simple solemnization at a mosque and held a simple walimah for family members and relatives as well as those present. That was in Dec 2011. Initially both me and my wife was pressured by our parents to hold a grand reception on Dec 2012. However, after discussing with my wife, we decided not to hold the wedding reception. My wife's family agreed to our decision however my parents do not agree and wants to hold the reception as planned.

My wife and my mother in law told me if my mother were to go ahead with the wedding reception, they will not be attending. I tried talking to my parents but to no avail. Subhanallah.

What should I do? I am trying to be a good husband as well as a filial son for both my mother and my mother in law. The reason for me not wanting to hold a wedding reception is because I find it wasteful. I rather my parents donate the S$20,000 to an orphanage rather than spending it on my wedding reception. Any brothers care to advise?

Wedding of Fatimah (RA) youngest daughter of Prophet Muhammad (SAW) - http://www.islamicsites.com/fatima_wedding.asp




As-Salaam Alaikum,

I am sorry for my late response.

This is a good example of why you shouldn't allow no one including your PARENTS to run your life. Learn how to say NO when you really don't want to do things. You should've told them NO. I suspect in your heart you really didn't want them to do it. But, noooooo you wanted to make them happy. Now you are stuck with this silly situtation that didn't have to happen if you just would've said the term NO. You practice now, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. You should've told your parents to save that $20,000 for the grandchildren they gonna spoil.

Hakeema

Edited by hakeema - 19 October 2012 at 2:20pm
IP IP Logged
Caringheart
 
Senior Member
Senior  Member
Avatar

Joined: 02 March 2012
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1958
Quote Caringheart Replybullet Posted: 19 October 2012 at 2:53pm
I'm not a brother... I'm not even Muslim... but I hope my answer will still be welcome.

I think Abuayisha makes sense here.
And if having the grand reception causes quarreling between your parents... it is between them... their problem to solve, not yours.  I understand your concern.  I am the same way, trying to look out for others, but if your parents(or mother anyway) want to do this, just let them do it.  It is for your father to resolve with your mother if he disagrees.  I'm assuming... Singapore... given the culture this is probably difficult?  I wonder too if part of the objection of your wife doesn't have somewhat to do with a control issue?  You know... wife and mother-in-law?  Do they get along well?
Wishing you the best.  I say, just go with it and enjoy the celebration.  Hey it's a first anniversary after all... that's something to celebrate.  Smile
IP IP Logged
Page  of 2 Next >>
Post Reply Post New Topic
Printable version Printable version

Forum Jump
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot create polls in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum

Disclaimer:
The opinions expressed herein contain positions and viewpoints that are not necessarily those of IslamiCity. This forum is offered to stimulate dialogue and discussion in our continuing mission of being an educational organization.
If there is any issue with any of the postings please email to icforum at islamicity.com or if you are a forum's member you can use the report button.

Note: The 99 names of Allah avatars are courtesy of www.arthafez.com

Advertisement:



Sponsored by:
Islamicity Membership Program:
IslamiCity Donation Program  http://www.islamicity.com/Donate
IslamiCity Arabic eLearning http://www.islamiCity.com/ArabAcademy
Complete Domain & Hosting Solutions www.icDomain.com
Home for Muslim Tunes www.icTunes.com
Islamic Video Collections www.islamiTV.com
IslamiCity Marriage Site www.icMarriage.com