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muslimwoman
 
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Quote muslimwoman Replybullet Topic: Please suggest me on my cheating husband
    Posted: 25 July 2012 at 2:41pm
Assalamu-alikum


I never thought life would be so unpredictable. I am in confusion, not able to decide about my husbands loyalty in our relationship.

My story in brief:

I got married in 2000 and it was an arrange marriage.I have two kids a girl/9 year and a boy/5year. Mine was a happy and blessed family until june 4 2012. My husband a Haji and performs 5times namaz. Who was very caring and faithful to me. He was so concerned about me that when ever I fell sick he used say "your health is very important for our family and I can't imagine my life without you". He was so thankful to me for my support in his life. He was thinking second marriage as a shameful act which make the life worst...
    Now he is changed, He is following a A married muslim woman, who is a colleague of him, he started admiring her
even though she doesn't ware hijab or perform namaz who did a love marriage eloped with her boy friend, who does all awful acts which are not meant for a muslim woman.
My husband thought she is the best for him as a second wife and he started teasing her, following her every where and he was so desperate that he managed to know all her past life. He started mailing her with a new email id and created a facebook account for her, when the lady rejected his friend request saying "make your wife or your sister as your Fan on Facebook" my husband felt discouraged and started friendship with her brother on facebook.Praising him and writing admiring qoutes about her country, so that he can get her back at least as a family friend.

To All of your surprise my husband was sharing each and everything with me stating that I am his friend( which was very painful for a wife hear)when I got shocked about his changed behavior
I stated fight with him and I became sick, the same guy who can't Imagine his life without me started seeing other woman with a lust fought back stating that Islam allow four marriages. Now he is completely changed, he doesn't care my tears or my health. He feels what ever he does is right and he doesn't repent on his act. I told him many times that it is haram in islam to see woman with lust.

Please Can any one tell me.. Allah made the rule to marry four women just satisfy sexual needs. Is it permisable to a male to see a woman with lust or show interest in her personal life or teas her to satisfy himself, even though he has an obedient, namazi wife and two beautiful kids.

Is this common to every man that when ever his wife goes on trip he start seeing other woman to satisfy his lust?
And Allah won't punish them for this awful acts? My husband thinks that every man thinks and feels in the same way what he feels about that woman, and he is more refined of all by sharing his acts with his wife without hiding anything.

How can I get back my husband as a caring and loving dad and husband.
Please suggest me how can I come over with this situation? Its became traumatic not able sleep or eat thinking about my husbands obedience in our 12 year long relation ship. I am Praying to Allah for safety of our relation, I know he is the better healer, but still i am so tensed and searching for means to correct my husband.

Edited by muslimwoman - 26 July 2012 at 3:35pm
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Nausheen
 
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Quote Nausheen Replybullet Posted: 26 July 2012 at 10:56pm
Assalamualiakum wa rahamtullah w abarkatuhu,
 
InshAllah this reaches you in best of health and ever increasing imaan, allahumma ameen.
 
Its really sad to hear that you are going thru such trials in your relationship.
Practice patience and trust in Allah that whatever He chooses for us in a given moment, that is the best thing for us in that moment. Have tawakkul, make lots of duas to Him, and may He deliver you from your trials to best of outcomes. Ameen.
 
Originally posted by muslimwoman

Assalamu-alikum

Please Can any one tell me.. Allah made the rule to marry four women just satisfy sexual needs. Is it permisable to a male to see a woman with lust or show interest in her personal life or teas her to satisfy himself, even though he has an obedient, namazi wife and two beautiful kids.
 
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has given men the permission to take 4 wives, and a wife, ie a creation of Allah is not in a place to object on that -
 
however, Allah has also cautioned men regarding multiple marriages in the same verse where He gives the permission.
 
An-Nisa verse 3:
 
And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice].
 
Further in An Nisa verse 129, it is again mentioned that no man can be equal toward two wives, even if he wants to ...
 
And you will never be able to be equal [in feeling] between wives, even if you should strive [to do so]. So do not incline completely [toward one] and leave another hanging. And if you amend [your affairs] and fear Allah - then indeed, Allah is ever Forgiving and Merciful.
 
In sum-total, polygamy is not a command, rather a permission from Allah which comes with subtle warnings of a difficult road ahead.
Besides this, many, many men have happy and satisfied monogamous lives. 
 
regarding your question, it is not permissible for any man, married or not, with a chaste wife or otherwise, to as much as look towards another woman with lust. Since there are verses in Quran which tell us to lower our gaze and guard our chastity.
 
An Nur, verse 30
Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty: that will make for greater purity for them: And Allah is well acquainted with all that they do.

Originally posted by muslimwoman

How can I get back my husband as a caring and loving dad and husband.
Please suggest me how can I come over with this situation?
 
This is the most important question in your entire post.
It does not matter who the woman is, if she is beautiful or not, pious and believing or not - what matters most is how your husband stops paying attention to her.
 
It may sound rather impractical to solve real life problems through a book, but I would still recommend it to you. Have found it very useful and wish every married woman reads it. Have recommended it many time on these boards as well, tho never heard any feedbacks Smile It called Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin. I hope you find useful formulas of winning back your husband through it.
 
As an advice would say, dont repeat the things which don't give desirable results. In other words doing the same thing again and again only to get the same undesirable result again and again is not practical.  For example, your tears and pleas are not having an effect on him, so dont do it more and more with the hope of these affecting him ONE DAY - that will not happen. Instead of that, gather your energy for something  else which might affect him.
 
Stop complaining about the other woman to him and concentrate on your own relationship with him. (Im not saying you stop feeling the pain, sure its difficult for you and very normal that you feel hurt - however be practical and do not show it to him, because your expression of this hurt is not winning him back to you at present).
Also, think of what might be missing (or has been neglected in a while) in your relationship - is there anything you can change that makes him feel more involved in the family?
 
You can plan dates with your husband - it can be once a week or even less frequent - where you two are alone doing something that interests both of you - these things re-kindle bonds in a relationship. Dont mention his infatuation about the other woman during this occasion. Just spend a rich time together.
 
Be strong and be confident about yourself. Don't present yourself as a defeated person, or someone inferior to his new found infatuation - but dont use words to convey this, instead actions and pleasent, loving gestures from you.
 
hope this makes sense
 
wish you all the best.
Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa
Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena
wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 27 July 2012 at 6:44am

Your husband's behavior is not proper and has lead to an overwhelming infatuation of this woman, that if not somehow put in check will likely lead to destroying his family, whom he no doubt loves, but unfortunately, he is now out of control.  You are understandably hurt by his inappropriate emotional affair evidenced through tears, fighting and inability to eat.  Do your best to keep your emotions in check, not only for the benefit of your children, who must be also suffering, but you will need to discuss in a rational manner with your husband how his behavior will lead to you leaving the marriage.  Even though there is a great deal of shame you must feel - let him know you will go to his family and religious leaders in the community to stop his destructive behavior, for his sake, and that of his kids and yourself.  No woman has to live in a polygamous situation.  Our Prophet didn't want this for his daughter - saying that 'what hurts Fatima, also hurts me'.  If you are unable to live with knowing your husband is sleeping with another women you have the right to leave the marriage.   Now is the time to harness your energy and be as proactive as possible, within what is religiously allowed, to put a stop to his nonsense.  Men are very fickle, and he is now acting like a child who needs someone to help set limits on his behavior before he hurts himself. 

Eating and exercise is very important for you at this emotional time in your life.  This world is a test for each of us, and this will make you a better and stronger Muslimah, insha'Allah.  Have patience and continue to make dua.  Focus on your children and develop some hobby or interest to help take your mind off your troubles.  I ask Allah, Most High, to give you success in dealing with your marital problems and that your husband returns to proper conduct towards his family.

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Quote muslimwoman Replybullet Posted: 27 July 2012 at 4:10pm
Jasakallah...

May Almighty bless both(Nausheen and Abuayisha) of you with more knowledge and wisdom to help others in solving their problems...
I am soo happy and thankful to Allahatala who gave me an opportunity to discuss my problems with you for a solution.( I know, ultimately it is in the hands of Allaha to solve my  problem.) Your words gave me strength and knowledge about the rights of a wife in Islam...I will try to do as you suggested.. May Allaha guide me towards right....

Thankyou very much...Make Dua for my family....

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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 27 July 2012 at 5:40pm

It was narrated on the authority of ‘Abdullah ibn Mas‘ud (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah(may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, “No Muslim is touched by any worry, or sadness, and says:  "O Allah, I am your bondservant, son of your bondsman, and son of your bondswoman. My forelock is in Your Hands; Your judgment is continuously being carried out upon me; Your sentence upon me is just. I ask You with every name that is Yours, with which You have named Yourself, brought down in Your book, taught to one of Your creation, or have preferred for Yourself in the hidden knowledge, with You: that You make the Qur’an the spring of my heart, and the light of my chest, and the dispelling of my sadness, and deportation of my concern" except that Allah dispels his worry and replaces his sadness with relief.

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lady
 
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Quote lady Replybullet Posted: 28 July 2012 at 12:22am
Assalaamoalaikum Muslimah.  I am so sorry that you are going through this pain especially during the month of Ramadan.  I HAD so much similarities with you in my life at one time.  For example:  You said

I never thought life would be so unpredictable. I am in confusion, not able to decide about my husbands loyalty in our relationship. 

Mine was a happy and blessed family until june 4 2012. My husband a Haji and performs 5times namaz. Who was very caring and faithful to me. He was so concerned about me that when ever I fell sick he used say "your health is very important for our family and I can't imagine my life without you". He was so thankful to me for my support in his life. He was thinking second marriage as a shameful act which make the life worst...
    Now he is changed, , so that he can get her back at least as a family friend.

I stated fight with him and I became sick, the same guy who can't Imagine his life without me started seeing other woman with a lust fought back stating that Islam allow four marriages. Now he is completely changed, he doesn't care my tears or my health. He feels what ever he does is right and he doesn't repent on his act. I told him many times that it is haram in islam to see woman with lust.

Please Can any one tell me.. Allah made the rule to marry four women just satisfy sexual needs. Is it permisable to a male to see a woman with lust or show interest in her personal life or teas her to satisfy himself, even though he has an obedient, namazi wife and two beautiful kids.

And Allah won't punish them for this awful acts?
Its became traumatic not able sleep or eat thinking about my husbands obedience in our 12 year long relation ship. I am Praying to Allah for safety of our relation, I know he is the better healer, but still i am so tensed and searching for means to correct my husband. [/QUOTE]
 
Sister, I copied all the same emotions that I had one time in my life.  I really would like to share with you about my experience.  To be honest, I thought over and over again if I should write on this website about what happened to me.  I only wanted to write about it hoping that one day I can encourage someone. Now, I hope that my story will be an encouragement to you in some way, or to anyone who reads it. 
 
Sister, when I found out that my ex husband was cheating, I was too shocked.  It took me a 5 days to believe that it was the truth even though he told me about it.  Of course, he does not call it cheating but the way it happened, it was cheating.  Anyway, which way does not matter to the one who is facing this problem in her marriage. 
 
Anyway, during the time that I was going through this problem, I had moved to another state and was living in that state for 4 weeks.  At this time, I had met some wonderful women from kenya, morocco, and a black american.  They all comfort me in the best way I needed the help.  For example, you get so depressed that you do not want to eat or clean anything. So during this week of this depression, they cooked for me, they cleaned my house, and they even spent the night at my house as well.  Most of these women were married, and they left their homes to comfort me and to with me for hours until I told them that I was ok.  I did not know these women at all.  Allah (SWT) really favored me in some many ways throughout this difficult time and even afterwards.Smile
Sister, these sisters were so neutral and helped me make the best decision for my life. My family was there too but they were just as emotional as me.  For example, his cheating has created so much fitnah in some many people's life during the time I was married to him.  For example, when it was expose to my family members of what he did, then my sister who is married to his childhood best friend was also worried that this was going to happened to her.  I was best friends with his cousin, and she then started worrying about her husband.  My ex cousin in laws sisters were worried about their husbands.  I really think that they were worried because no one seen this type of behavior coming from him.  I would like to say that my mother told me later that she suspected he was cheating six months before I told her about it but she said that she did not think that I was ready to know about it.  Also she did not have any prove of this. So therefore, how can she revealed this. 
What really helped me the most was that I had always been the type of person who was honest with my life and what is my reality.  I always liked to be geniunely happy. So that means that I forced myself to deal with my exhusband's straying ways.  My family is honest and they are not ashame to talked through anything that is part of life.  My friends were honest with me and my new friends were so neutral. 
What helped me the most is that
1.  I talked to two imam's and one encourage me to leave him. 
He said that my ex husband is so far gone, and nothing would make him see me for who I am.  He told me that I was like a 45,000 car and this new woman was like a ferrari to my ex husband.  This does not mean that I was not the opposite.  What this imam was telling me is that even though my ex husband knew that I am..... he could not see any of it at that point. Because he was so far gone and he was so infatuiated with this girl that he was not able to reason well. 
He then asked me if I thought that my ex husband was regretful at all. 
I told him no, he has tears but they are not real. 
He then said to me, "sister, you should leave him because I suggested that I would only separate from him for some time until he can see me for who I am.  This imam said that he will never see it because he needs counseling.  He said that we are young and if my ex husband was acting like this then what do you think he would do at age 50?  He said that when a man is making irrational decisions and he is willing to throw his family for his own selfish needs, then the only thing that you can hope for is to send him to couseling.  Talking is not enough because he has reached passed that point.
2.  A kenyan woman taught me that when you have tears and they are falling or if they are holding in your eyes, then touch your eyes or your tears and say, "alhamduallah, Alhamduallah for these tears, repeat over and over again"  She said that if you have pain in your heart then touch your heart and say "alhamduallah for this pain, Allahuakbar."
3.  When I finally left the house seven days later, I made sure that I visited my friends, and we cooked at their house. One friend of mine owned like an organization for refugees. So I helped her stock food in her pantry, when the food was donated.  I helped people cooked for their families.  I made sure that I was not alone.  I also told my family not to visit me while I was going through this time. I was so embarrassed because usually I am the happy one and the one who can overcome difficult situation.  so I did not want them to see me vurnerable, even though this was impossible. 
4.  I wanted to hear what the imam said. I talked to one imam who only listened to me and gave me versus from the quran. And he too said that my ex husband was off the path.  The other imam I talked too and I mentioned him earlier he gave me so many examples.  He even said to me, "sister do you mine if I can tell you how your ex husband dress, what type of car he likes, how long it takes for him to get ready in front of the mirror, etcSmile
5.  I forgave my exhusban quickly.  And it was geniune.  I started to pray for his happiness. yes there were times that I did not pray for him and I asked Allah to punish him.  But I knew that I would really be more happy if just forgave him.
6.  I made istekara and ask Allah to tell me everything. Tell me the ones who knew about this and what I did not see in my marriage that I needed to know for my spiritual growth. The signs were so clear sister.  Allah had show me what my life would be like if I stayed and what my life could be like if I left.  Wallahi. I rarely say, "Allah showed me this, etc."
Sister I am at work, so I will write back more later, isA.


Edited by lady - 28 July 2012 at 12:40am
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Quote lady Replybullet Posted: 28 July 2012 at 2:01am
Sister, I know that I asked my husband three times on different occasions what I needed to do to be a better wife. His reply was that I was always a perfect wife. Wallahi.  Look, more times than not men who are off the path like this behave like this because of selfish reasons.  Muslimah if his reasons are selfish then alot of times there is nothing you can do that will change his mind. 
It is always great to improve yourself as a wife and as a person. So you can asked him if you like if there is something you can do that will help encourage him to be a better person or more happy. 
Sister, I really learned that I was too confortable in my marraige. What that meant was that I never thought that my exhusband would want another woman.  To a degree this was the arrogance in me.  So this divorce has helped me in so many ways. 
After I knew that I would not return to him, I tested myself for HIV, syphillis, Chamyldia, Gonorrhea, HPV, Hep C and herpes.  Alhamduallah, I am am clear. I really believe that it was more than one woman, but it was the one woman who he told me about that he wanted to marry. 
I know that this time is difficult for you but I would say that whatever you accept for your marriage then at the end of the time you must think about your soul.  One day, you will be questioned on how you lived your life, how you treated people, did you fear man more than Allah's words. Sister, I also thought that as muslims we do not know for sure if we will go to Jinnah.  Only Allah knows, so I did not want to live hell on earth and then if I did not make it to jinnah I will go to hell again.  NO.Smile
I like to smile and I think that when you are geniunely happy, this could be the best dawah to nonmuslims.  So this life that he wanted for himself was not for me. Also my new friends(black american, morrocan, and kenyan)told me to just listen to him and just see what deal he would give you if you stayed.  They said that even though he is off the path, listen to him and he will tell you more of what life will be like than you can ever imagine.  Sister, the deal that he gave me was so ridiculous, I could not believe it. It was almost like I was not his wife, and that he never loved me.  This was insane because I thought that I was happily married for almost 6 years.  He was so kind, never talked dirty to me and he was a manly man with many things. His money was our money   and my money was mine money etc.  But when I looked at the accounts, I realized that some changes were made the last two years of my marriage with him.  Smile I can smile now because I dont love him. I am just honest about what happened and I have no pain now. His life was revealed to me by him in October of this year.  and now if I think of him it is only the deceit that he has caused me.  But I am at a good place.  He is married now, an we divorced in feburary or later.  I blocked the date out. anyway, he still calls today and I stopped answering his phone calls after I divorced.  I was getting them weekly.  two months ago they are texted "salaamoalaikum wrwb, how are you?"  I never reply.  I delete them right away.  I am currently engaged and getting married again in october, isA. 
1.  Do things for yourself that you forget that you once loved.  Be kind to him.  i know that this will be harder for you because you live with him.   
2. Pray to Allah, read the quran, which we have to do as muslims especially during the month of Ramadan. 
3.  Make isteqara
4.  Try not to shame him to strangers(sister this could be you who is doing this, if you dont do this then trust me you will have more dignity for yourself when you sleep at nightSmile) and talk to his family and the community leaders.  
5.  Be happy for your kids.  This is hard but they experience and feel what you have in your heart.  So please protect them as well.
Sister, I also had three deaths in my family this past year and a divorce. And I am geniunely smiling alot. I am back to myself. And inshaAllah you will be too.  I no longer loved my ex husband at all. I think about him everyday because we were married for a while. But there is no love there.  I am happy for this becasue I prayed for Allah to take the love out of my heart.  I am not saying for you to get a divorce. I just want you to be happy.  I really think that it is cruel to tell you everything or anything that is revealing about what he admires about other woman.  Dont tolerate this. IT WILL NOT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
 
Alot of times women feel better when they look good.  Fix yourself nicely, do your hair nicely, wear nice clothes.  This all can be done for him or for you only.  Exercise, and eat well, and of course sleep well.
This life can be difficult to live at times if chose to make decisions carelessly. We all need to be careful of how we live our life. Because at the end of the time, we all can be vurnerable to the whispers of shaitan. I understood my ex husband and why he cheated. We all can fall off the path sister, and some fall deeper than others. 
If this sister has married her husband after she was a gf to him then we should say Alhamduallah sister that you are married. Dont think of her as being low becasue I am sure that we all have mistakes in our life. You dont know that this was true about her, because your husband is telling you this. And right now you can not completely trust him. 
You can not control his feelings.  You must ask yourself, "what are YOU going to do about this." because you can only control the outcome of your life. 
I personally think that you should be geniune with yourself.  If you want to cry then cry but know when it is enough.
Saying Alhamduallah and touching the pain at the same time, helped me immediately. Wallahi.  It went away in a second. and I said it until it went away.  Alot of times it was not more than several times.  And I remember thinking "wow, I can not believe this."
Sister, I wish I can hug you and tell you more things, but my brain is so scattered, and I dont want to write a book to you. SmileHug
take care.
Sincerely concerned for you.
P.S.  I can now smile at how he fooled me. Because I am over it now. What you think is good for you may be bad for you and what you think that is bad for you may be good for you.Smile
And the prayer of the oppressor can be so dangerious sister. So your ex husband needs to be careful.  And Allah loves you. So please talk to HIM.
Sister it is so dangerious to mistreat your wife, and I am sure that if he does not change, you will see how his misguided ways will carry him in this life. 
All my friends said this to me, "lady even if you leave the country, it does not matter where you are, you will hear about his suffering."  And I dont know if Allah has revealed this to me but I sometimes feel strongly that, "the worst has not hit him yet."  And trust me, he is not happy.  This does not make me feel good. All I am trying to tell you is that sometimes you can commit gravest sins (like purposely making your wife unhappy), and the punishment can be continuous and continous, etc.  There is no good luck in what he is doing. Try to be a good muslim, and thank Allah for giving you much challenges in your life.
Hug


Edited by lady - 28 July 2012 at 2:19am
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Quote muslimwoman Replybullet Posted: 28 July 2012 at 8:12am
Assalamualikum,

@lady! Thank you very much for your concern and for sharing your story, which made me more cautious about my husbands moves. I just want to pray Allah for his blessings upon my family, I pray him for my daughter; asking to make her more strong as woman and give her a man who loves her from the bottom of his heart, who never thinks about a second woman for any reason..Ameen...


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