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Family Matter
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abuayisha
 
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Topic: Why do women leave their husband?
    Posted: 12 June 2012 at 7:09am
"I hurt all the time because I feel alone and abandoned."

"My husband is no longer my friend."

"The only time he pays attention to me is when he wants sex."

"He is never there for me when I need him the most."

"When he hurts my feelings he doesn't apologize."

"He lives his life as if we weren't married; he rarely considers me."

"We're like ships passing in the night, he goes his way and I go mine."

"My husband has become a stranger to me, I don't even know who he is anymore."

"He doesn't show any interest in me or what I do."




Women tend to be more concerned about their marriages than men. They buy most of the books on marriage to try to improve them and initiate most marriage counseling. They often complain about their marriages to their closest friends and sometimes to anyone who will listen. And they also file for divorce twice as often as men.

Why do women seem so dissatisfied with marriage? What do they want from their husbands? What bothers them so much about marriage that most are willing to risk their families' future to escape it?

Why do women leave men?

Each day I am confronted by women who are extremely frustrated with their marriages. They usually express no hope that their husbands will ever understand what it is that frustrates them, let alone change enough to solve the problem. From their perspective, marital problems are created by their husbands who do little or nothing to solve them. Wives tend to see themselves as the major force for resolving conflicts, and when they give up their effort, the marriage is usually over.

When I talk to their husbands, they usually have a very different explanation as to why their wives feel the way they do. They often feel that the expectations of women in general, and their wives in particular, have grown completely out of reach. These men, who feel that they've made a gigantic effort to be caring and sensitive to their wives, get no credit whatsoever for their sizeable contribution to the family. They feel under enormous pressure to improve their financial support, improve the way they raise their children, and improve the way they treat their wives. Many men I see are emotionally exhausted and feel that for all their effort, they get nothing but criticism.

The simpler role of husbands in decades past has now been replaced by a much more complex and confusing role, especially in their relationship with their wives. Some conclude that women are born to complain and men must ignore it to survive. Others feel that women have come to expect so much of men that they are impossible to please, so there's no point in even trying. Very few men, these days, feel that they have learned to become the husbands that their wives have wanted, and the job seems to be getting more and more difficult.



Edited by abuayisha - 12 June 2012 at 7:11am
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Matt Browne
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Quote Matt Browne Replybullet Posted: 16 June 2012 at 10:37am
Failing marriages are indeed a growing problem. I find the advice of John Gottman extremely helpful, all based on solid research.



Edited by Matt Browne - 16 June 2012 at 10:37am
A religion that's intolerant of other religions can't be the world's best religion --Abdel Samad
Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people--Eleanor Roosevelt
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Nausheen
 
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Quote Nausheen Replybullet Posted: 27 June 2012 at 12:31am
Simply stated, women leave men when they are neglected. Neglect accounts for almost all of the reasons women leave and divorce men
 
While it is the most important reason women leave men, it is hard to convince men that it is a legitimate reason, something they should avoid at all costs.
 
When marriages are made for people to BE THERE for each other in good and bad,  happiness and sorrow, health and sickness ... then why is it so difficult for men to understand spousal neglect is not what a woman had opted for when she decided to tie the knot.
 

Some of the common complaints I hear from women is, "He ignores me except when he wants sex, he sits and watches television when he could be talking to me, he rarely calls me to see how I'm doing, he hurts my feelings and then never apologizes: Instead, he tells me I'm too sensitive."

Most husbands are mystified by these complaints. They feel that their wives demand too much,...

they are too dumb to think its demanding too much. Perhaps they dont understand the word partnership and sharing.
 
What are women looking for in men? They want a soul mate,
 
Hey, earning the bread on table then watching TV on the couch is not soul-mate-ship -- please men, try to understand.
 
If anyone has seen Kramer vs Kramer -- thou the story focuses on the toils of the husband after he is left , the main reason she leaves was that she was neglected although he was supposedly being a good husband, by doing a good job bring home a handsome salary - also not looking at other women etc etc - was completely baffled why she left.
 
I think as people progress into marriage together men lose sight of the definition of bonding - or rather they start taking the relationship for granted, focusing on several other aspects of life.  Career may become important and relationship starts to slip - when they are talked about it, they cannot understand because the communication between men and women is a tricky thing :p
By the time they begin to 'get it'  she has already filed for divorce.
 
I have read that when women are dissatisfied in their marriages they are supposed to 'do something' rather than 'discuss it' because men are not so responsive to words as to action. However women who are more responsive/sensitive to words think 'doing something about it' is to nag him day in day out - then withdraw and become passive.
Then finally they get up to 'do something' in terms of action its filing a divorce.
 
sad scenario but so true in so many cases!!
Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa
Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena
wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.
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Nausheen
 
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Quote Nausheen Replybullet Posted: 27 June 2012 at 12:43am
Originally posted by Matt Browne

Failing marriages are indeed a growing problem.
 
Where? Is a valid question.
 
when its said that 50% of american marriages end in divorce, we udnerstand that 50% of married couples are not happy, they end their partnership deal.
 
But, it also says that the other 50% are very happy because they keep continuing  - in an age, and society where divorce is not such a taboo - if the woman is working/educated, financial security is not the criteria for them to carry on.
 
This means the marriages which continue, and are successful, the level of happiness for those couples is quite high.
 
In other countries where divorce is still a tacit social taboo, and financial constraints, dependence on the husband, dificulty in raising children etc.  are concerns on the woman's side - the low divorce rate is not a true reader of a 'successful and happy' marriage - its may be a marker for 'continued' marriages.
 
wonder what people outside america have to say about this?
 
 
 
Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa
Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena
wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.
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abuayisha
 
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 27 June 2012 at 9:04am

A midlife crisis experienced between the ages of 40 and 60.  It was first identified by the psychologist Carl Jung and is a normal part of the maturing process. Most people will experience some form of emotional transition during that time of life. A transition that might cause them to take stock in where they are in life and make some needed adjustments to the way they live their life. Most seem to come through the process smoothly without making major life changes.

For some, a midlife crisis is more complicated.  It can be an uncomfortable time emotionally which can lead to depression and the need for psychotherapy. Those who have a hard time with this transitional stage might experience a range of feelings such as:

  Unhappiness with life and the lifestyle that may have provided them with happiness for many years.

  Boredom with people and things that may have been of interest to them before.

  Feeling a need for adventure and change.

  Questioning the choices, they have made in their lives and the validity of decisions they made years before.

  Confusion about who they are and where they are going.

  Anger at their spouse and blame for feeling tied down.

  Unable to make decisions about where they want to go with their life.

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Nausheen
 
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Quote Nausheen Replybullet Posted: 27 June 2012 at 9:26pm
Is that a change of subject? 
 
OR.
 
She is demanding too much, and still feeling unhappy because of her midlife crisis?
 
OR,
 
He is feeling too pressured by her demands due to midlife crisis?
 
not sure what you're hinting at.
 
Here in Japan the divorce rate is high among retired couples*. When the man is home all day, 24/7 and needs attention suddenly, because he is now off work :)
 
* Retiring age  - 60+
 
 
Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa
Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena
wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.
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abuayisha
 
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 28 June 2012 at 9:01pm
Yeah; "She is demanding too much, and still feeling unhappy because of her midlife crisis.."  I thought to add another dimension to why a woman may leave.
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Nausheen
 
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Quote Nausheen Replybullet Posted: 30 June 2012 at 6:58am
hmm ...
 
 
Question: In what age group do most women leave or decide to leave their marriage institution?
 
Of those 50% marriages that fail in America, what percentage of these begin to fail when the wife is sailing thru her mid 40s?
 
jazak Allahu khair.


Edited by Nausheen - 30 June 2012 at 7:03am
Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa
Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena
wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.
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