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Groups Men (Brothers)
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Castor
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Quote Castor Replybullet Topic: A brother and more
    Posted: 04 June 2012 at 12:21pm
Hi guys,

I'm in a problem of sorts. I've developed feelings for another man, who is a good friend to me and like a brother.

Although I have no intention to cross the boundaries of Islam with him, I can't help the way I feel when he is around.

Question: should I continue to remain his friend, and suppress my feelings, as he is like a brother and an invaluable friend (and I am also deadly loyal to him). I have no doubt that I can continue this way, without him finding out, as it has already been more than a few years (but it does hurt - and yes, I hope maybe it will go away one day).

Or

Should I slowly distance him, so that even though I lose a great friend, it is healthier for me to be without him and thoughts of him (like a priest who locks himself away from the world). This idea greatly relieves me but also saddens me.


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Pati
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Quote Pati Replybullet Posted: 22 June 2012 at 2:52pm
Hi,

Maybe it's time to get married? I mean, maybe you are developing "needs" now, and this is taking you to the easiest way, and that is your friend, the closest person to you, and most probably, someone with who you are alone a lot of times.

If he is such a close friend, I would not break up the friendship, only because you are going through a hard time.

Just try to keep your mind busy in other things while being with him, like studies, work, music, ... and try to not to be alone with him, because this will help you to control yourself.

I think that you are just too young and full of energy, so just be patient and wait, and it will go.

Kind regards,
Patricia
No God wants the killing, but the peace.
The weapons are carried by people, not by religions.
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abuayisha
 
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 22 June 2012 at 3:47pm
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Castor
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Quote Castor Replybullet Posted: 27 June 2012 at 7:15am
Hi Patricia,

Thanks for that reply.

Yes, I agree that, perhaps staying without a spouse can lead a man to interpret friendships more emotionally and physically. Two men on an island rule.

This is why, I suppose men are required to maintain a degree of satr in Islam.

Castor.
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lady
 
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Quote lady Replybullet Posted: 29 June 2012 at 6:54am
Assalaamoalaikum Castor.  I feel sorry that you are having these feelings for yourself and for your friend.  I do agree with Chrystalis's advice.  I also think that  if you move to another country or anywhere, you may still find another man who attracts you like your friend does. Staying away from him for a while maybe a great thing for you, or it may make things worst for you. You said yourself that if you stay away from him then you will greatly be relieved. And yes, there will be some sadness because you love him in one way that is the islamic way.    If you feel like this is bad for you then you should pray to  Allah (SWT) to take these emotions out of your heart.  I remember years ago reading about this same question that was posted on an islamic website.  I can not remember the website, but if you google your emotions and write islam next to it, then I am sure that you will get more generous advice on how to deal with your emotions.  If my memory is correct, I remember only sheikhs responding to these type of questions.   Anyway, I definetely would not tell him.  This is haraam in islam to embrace this relationship in this way.  I think that if you tell him then you may likely have more of a difficult life in general. 
1.  If he decides to accept this relationship with you then you have help him to commit a major sin in islam.  
2. We as muslims should not mention the major sins that we would like to do in our life and with other people.  There is nothing wrong with you coming here to get advice, but if you tell him that you have this feeling for him, it is bad for you because you are mentioning something to him that is haraam.
3. If you tell him then you may find that he may not be able to deal with this knowledge.  So what do you think would happen to your friendship with him.    
You must remember that we are not perfect human beings. And we sometimes allow ourselves to listen to the call of shaytan.  You need to realize when you are doing this. 
Please google your question, and I am sure that you will find  sheiks or muslims giving you surahs to recite which will help you from  having these feelings.   
 
Geniunely concern for you,
lady.
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Castor
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Quote Castor Replybullet Posted: 29 June 2012 at 12:02pm
Dear Lady,

That was a very balanced and well thought out answer, exploring the different outcomes of a tricky situation.

Indeed, Iblis operates in nefarious ways, disguising haraam emotions in the clothing of honest friendship, in order to confuse and then trap, when the friendship has matured, and the emotions have a foundation which is used in order to surface and claim and tempt the owner in sin.

You are also correct that moving to another country will not help. Over the decades, I have successfully distanced from many boys, from as early as the age of 7.

Yes, prayer helps in coping, if not resolving (for some things are your nafs), and worldly help (advice, medical assistance - which hasn't been proven to reverse, but oh well, fingers crossed) can all help.

I think a very strong faith in Allah (which goes up and down) and a strong sense of humour goes a long way. Take life with a pinch of salt, yeah. The funniest is Friday prayers. It's like putting a man in a mosque full of women, bending and stuff. Boy oh boy (pun not intended), the concentration required is herculean! I just go to the front row right to the corner, making the risk of contact only on one side. And then the Imam's like, leave no space between yourselves for Shaytan is in the spaces. Lol. I roll my eyes.

Don't even get me started on handshakes etc. Anyway, the list is long, the friendships short. I think Allah's biggest miracles aren't parting the red sea etc., its the strength in our hearts to accept and move on, based on logical reasoning, despite of how one may feel. I know how this will end. Either way, it will be positive.

Jazak-Allah

Castor     
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