IslamiCity Forum - Islamic Discussion Forum: Should I be the 2nd wife??

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   Assalamu alykum,

I think there is a lot of good advice on this matter of yours, from members with fair judgements and good intentions. Especially about seeking individual, one to one counselling/advice on relationship matters with local Masjid and Imam. And doing your research about the person in particular I believe is paramount in making the right decision. 
However I find some member's advice a little too pressing and conclusive. I'm not saying I agree or disagree with their understanding of the matter. But what I am suggesting is that discussing another individual's personal matter on a forum and making conclusions so quickly and abrubtly is not, in my opinion, the correct form of advising someone. I mean this is a matter that may impact greatly on someone's life, so there should be more serious steps in place to ensure the best possible outcome. This means being very careful when giving advice to someone. 
It is clear that none of us who are giving the advice can see you through any difficulties or emotional challenges you may face as a result of the decisions you make from the advice. Again I remind you that I'm not suggesting whether you should carry on with the relationship or break it, simply because I feel unqualified to determine the best option for you by advicing you through an internet forum. I strongly believe you should seek professional advice, through an Imam or scholar; someone who can be an intermediary between you and the man proposing to marry you. A professional who can assist you in seeking out all your options in this matter and if the best conclusion is not to go into this relationship then they should be able to direct you towards the support and aftercare you need afterwards.
I really don't know how helpful I am being here because I'm not very used to forum writing. All I'm suggesting is seek some proper advice from someone more experienced and qualified in this matter as well as using the forum.  
P.S. I seek not any upsetness from fellow members. Just expressing my concerns in this regard. Thank you.

Author	Message
sabir Male Islam Starter Joined: 06 May 2012 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 1	Posted: 06 May 2012 at 11:27am
	Assalamu alykum, I think there is a lot of good advice on this matter of yours, from members with fair judgements and good intentions. Especially about seeking individual, one to one counselling/advice on relationship matters with local Masjid and Imam. And doing your research about the person in particular I believe is paramount in making the right decision. However I find some member's advice a little too pressing and conclusive. I'm not saying I agree or disagree with their understanding of the matter. But what I am suggesting is that discussing another individual's personal matter on a forum and making conclusions so quickly and abrubtly is not, in my opinion, the correct form of advising someone. I mean this is a matter that may impact greatly on someone's life, so there should be more serious steps in place to ensure the best possible outcome. This means being very careful when giving advice to someone. It is clear that none of us who are giving the advice can see you through any difficulties or emotional challenges you may face as a result of the decisions you make from the advice. Again I remind you that I'm not suggesting whether you should carry on with the relationship or break it, simply because I feel unqualified to determine the best option for you by advicing you through an internet forum. I strongly believe you should seek professional advice, through an Imam or scholar; someone who can be an intermediary between you and the man proposing to marry you. A professional who can assist you in seeking out all your options in this matter and if the best conclusion is not to go into this relationship then they should be able to direct you towards the support and aftercare you need afterwards. I really don't know how helpful I am being here because I'm not very used to forum writing. All I'm suggesting is seek some proper advice from someone more experienced and qualified in this matter as well as using the forum. P.S. I seek not any upsetness from fellow members. Just expressing my concerns in this regard. Thank you.
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abuayisha Senior Member Joined: 05 October 1999 Online Status: Offline Posts: 3993	Posted: 07 May 2012 at 7:14am
	Sabir, wa alaikum salaam, and welcome! Please be less worried about "upsetness" and concentrate more on clarity. What is your concept of "professional advice"? I think a slippery slope exists when suggesting that one can acquire "professional advice" from an Imam or scholar. I know well known scholars who advise 'the best of men are those who have the most wives', as well as Imams who are in agreement. They will tell a woman it is her religious duty to allow her husband to take on additional wives as if it were a religious obligation. Professional and qualified are simply not synonymous with "Imam" and especially in the West. Lastly, I think often it is equally problematic, with respect to emotional difficulties, when we do not give sound and clear advice when asked. At the end of the day people will do as they like anyway. We are only giving an opinion and not a religious fatwa. Please continue to express your concerns this makes our forum enjoyable.
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HalaHala2012 Newbie Joined: 15 April 2012 Online Status: Offline Posts: 34	Posted: 27 May 2012 at 10:47pm
	-- Edited by HalaHala2012 - 05 June 2012 at 1:11am
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HalaHala2012 Newbie Joined: 15 April 2012 Online Status: Offline Posts: 34	Posted: 27 May 2012 at 10:49pm
	*Originally posted by laylak* well thx for the advices and ill surely think about it...i cant talk to his iman coz we r in diferent countries and i didnt have any illegal relationship with him while we worked in the same place we just used to talk and make plans for the future..i am trying to get hide from him but hes always sending me msgs..anyways ALLAH will help me to take him out of my heart inshALLAH thx once more Always sending you messages? Delete your email or block him.
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Chrysalis Senior Member Joined: 25 November 2007 Online Status: Offline Posts: 2031	Posted: 29 May 2012 at 4:05pm
	If only I had read your comment before I married my husband more than 8 yrs ago. It's been stress,stress,stress since we got married..and now,I am too old and too tired to change anything. Salam Alaikum Sister! May Allah ease your circumstances. Never despair from Allah's mercy and blessings. Make dua to Him to improve your situation. Even if you feel you don't have the energy to change anything, try and regain happiness within your current circumstances. I hope you have family and friends around you who can help. Do things that make you happy and reduce stress. May Allah bless you...
	"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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laylak Female Islam Starter Joined: 23 April 2012 Location: Brazil Online Status: Offline Posts: 4	Posted: 29 May 2012 at 6:48pm
	i stoped all contacts with him so far it's not been easy to me but i am doing well...sometimes he sms in my phone but i do not reply..he tried to contact our mutual friend who lives in same country and city asking about me but i told her to tell him that i was back to ship working and that she didnt know the name of the ship i was working..thats it for while i am trying to focus in my study and my work and inshALLAH everything will be fine... If only I had read your comment before I married my husband more than 8 yrs ago. It's been stress,stress,stress since we got married..and now,I am too old and too tired to change anything. I am sorry for u sis May Allah help u ...
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HalaHala2012 Newbie Joined: 15 April 2012 Online Status: Offline Posts: 34	Posted: 29 May 2012 at 8:22pm
	-- Edited by HalaHala2012 - 05 June 2012 at 1:10am
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HalaHala2012 Newbie Joined: 15 April 2012 Online Status: Offline Posts: 34	Posted: 04 June 2012 at 8:02pm
	-- Edited by HalaHala2012 - 05 June 2012 at 1:11am
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Topic: Should I be the 2nd wife??
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