IslamiCity Forum - Islamic Discussion Forum: Should I be the 2nd wife??

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laylak
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Topic: Should I be the 2nd wife??
Posted: 23 April 2012 at 8:03pm

ASSALAMU ALEIKUM,
My name is layla and i am 24 years old and i would like to have a help from the sisters to me...
I am converted to islam since i was 16 years old and so far tried to live a normal muslim life..
Last year i got a job in a cruise ship company where i met a muslim man and we both fell in love for each other...He was already married and his wife was about to delilver his baby soon and he used to tell me a lot of things like ah i am going to try to divorce her and we get married and bla bla, at 1st i didnt bilieve but them i started to see his feelings and everything and then bilieved.. well before both of us leave the ship for vacation he told me i am sorry i cant leave her because shes only 21 and if i get divorced from her she will end up marrying an old guy besides she has my baby i cant let my baby suffer( at this point the baby was born) and then he said i could be his second wife and he was sure she would agree with that but i am so confused.. i know in our religion men can have 4 wives if he treat all of them equally but i never though about my husband having a second wife or being the second wife as i belong from western country...I know he loves me and I also love him and at the same time i think to agree with it i feel sscared to not bear the situation..he told me we would live in separeted houses and for sure i font want to see her ever but if one day i see i know i wouldnt treat her bad..I dont know what to do i just wanted a muslim sister who is second wife or who understand it better to give me some advice... thank you

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abuayisha

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Posted: 25 April 2012 at 7:06pm

Originally posted by laylak

.....I dont know what to do

I think a good starting point for making a decision is to consider how you would feel if pregnant, and your husband leaves for work, only to "fall in love" with another woman, you have just had a baby, and happy to begin a family, only to have your husband come home and tell you, "I am taking a second wife". How would this make you feel? Is this something you would want for yourself? How can you even respect a man like that? Shame on both of you. It is little wonder that you are confused, because you know in your heart this is not right. Why destroy his family? Men, unfortunately, often times must be saved from their own fickleness, and especially during the time their wife is pregnant. Help him to do the right thing, if you really care for him, and find your own husband. He is already taken.

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lady

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Posted: 28 April 2012 at 7:16am

good job Abuayisha...... there are so many questions that I have for this sister, but I really think that she already knows the answer. She should make isteqara as well. I say this because of many reasons but Allah will revealed to you solutions and things that you can not imagine. And HE(SWT) can place in your heart a solid image of many things of what could and may not happen, which ultimately will guide you on making the right decision for everyone involved in this.

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laylak
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Posted: 28 April 2012 at 3:05pm

well of course i would fe el bad if i were in her place but i think i would acept it after all...she al ready know about me and his brother aond his mother said there wou ld be no problem in that...the only reasdon i gone to work on the ship was due to many problems i have in my family including the fact of being the o nly muslim and only woman of an italian tradictional family...my parents ar e divorced since i was 7 years old and i live with my father..my father is a lways with many diferents women and i always betraying them and making them fool and never care much (i dont desrurb i barely see him and i got a job i dont need his money), and yesterday i was very sick while he was with his girlfriend at her home and didnt care about anything...i cant stay with my mom coz she lilves in other place where the chances of getting a job are very less and i cant give her hard time...i fell for him coz he used to care about me and understand me and i think if i cant be with him i will have to move to ship again i cant be here like this being depressed and crying all night...
sister lady i already did isteqara and then i dreamed about him and woke up with his call i was just confused if it is right i dont know i dont have anyone whom i can share my thoughts

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lady

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Posted: 29 April 2012 at 1:48pm

Assalaamoalaikum laylak, You know what you should do. First of all, why are you making a decision to marry this guy based on your living conditions. So many of these kinds of stories that are posted here reminds me how easy it is to be given good advice, but we ultimately will do what we want to do regardless of the advice given. I am guilty of this sometimes as well. Anyway, isteqara may not be revealed immediately, it can come months later. I really think that you should think with your head and not your heart about your situation.. My advice for you is to not talk to this guy for a while, until you can see your situation clearly. I hope that you did not have any illegal relationships with him, and if you did then stop it now. I really think that you should give yourself time away from him so that your mind will be clear about him. I would say a month or more. And use this time to be active in the islamic community and befriend more sisters there as well. Go to the imam, and tell him about this guy. Make sure that you can attend the mosque he goes too, and ask the imam there about him. And of course, question the sisters there as well. I have read your post several times and I am still finding it hard to see anything peaceful about it. Good luck because you are going to need it.

Also sister, when a guy really loves a woman, he will wait for her if she needs TIME alone from him......

Sister, I will try to remember to make dua for you to make the right decision for youself and his family.

Assalaamoalaikum wrwb.

Edited by lady - 29 April 2012 at 1:56pm

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laylak
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Posted: 29 April 2012 at 2:00pm

well thx for the advices and ill surely think about it...i cant talk to his iman coz we r in diferent countries and i didnt have any illegal relationship with him while we worked in the same place we just used to talk and make plans for the future..i am trying to get hide from him but hes always sending me msgs..anyways ALLAH will help me to take him out of my heart inshALLAH
thx once more

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seekshidayath
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Posted: 03 May 2012 at 11:19am

As Salamu Alaikum wa rahmatullah

Bro. AbuAyisha one of your best posts in this thread, JazakAllah khayr.

And to the sis [ laylak ] was sorry to learn about your parents. Since you were deprived of love and care from your parents, you got attracted to care of that person. I don't think he is the right person for you.

Thanks that you decided to leave him. Am sure, insha Allah, though its going to be tough, but Allah swt shall make it easy for you. Yes, he will be texting you lots of messages, shall even try to meet you. Make it clear to him, that he be off your way now.

Insha Allah , sister, Allah swt shal surely bless you with a right person in your life. Say thanks to Allah swt that you were stopped.

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “All the descendants of Adam are sinners, and the best of sinners are those who repent."

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Chrysalis

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Posted: 04 May 2012 at 6:13pm

Salam Alaikum Sister

In Islam, as Muslims we are advised to choose for our fellow brothers and sisters what we would choose for ourselves...

My advise (putting myself in your shoes) DON'T MARRY THIS MAN. If I were in your place, I would NOT marry him - and I would distance myself from him.

I think he is using you... he is from a different country, there is NO way for you to do a background check and see if he is truthful about his circumstances. He is not behaving like a very good muslim, and that means he will NOT make a good husband. He seems like the type who will leave you after he gets bored and finds someone else.

You deserve better sister! Contact your local Masjid or meet local Muslims to find yourself a suitable spouse inshAllah. Try this website:

http://www.halfourdeen.com/

They have over 314 success stories. InshAllah may you find a good suitable husband.

JUST DONT MARRY HIM. I don't even think you need istikharah, it is THAT clear a decision. Istikhara is only when we are considering valid options. Before istikhara we are supposed to use and brain/intellect and seek advise.

"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."

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Family Matter
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Author	Message
laylak Female Islam Starter Joined: 23 April 2012 Location: Brazil Online Status: Offline Posts: 4	Topic: Should I be the 2nd wife?? Posted: 23 April 2012 at 8:03pm
	ASSALAMU ALEIKUM, My name is layla and i am 24 years old and i would like to have a help from the sisters to me... I am converted to islam since i was 16 years old and so far tried to live a normal muslim life.. Last year i got a job in a cruise ship company where i met a muslim man and we both fell in love for each other...He was already married and his wife was about to delilver his baby soon and he used to tell me a lot of things like ah i am going to try to divorce her and we get married and bla bla, at 1st i didnt bilieve but them i started to see his feelings and everything and then bilieved.. well before both of us leave the ship for vacation he told me i am sorry i cant leave her because shes only 21 and if i get divorced from her she will end up marrying an old guy besides she has my baby i cant let my baby suffer( at this point the baby was born) and then he said i could be his second wife and he was sure she would agree with that but i am so confused.. i know in our religion men can have 4 wives if he treat all of them equally but i never though about my husband having a second wife or being the second wife as i belong from western country...I know he loves me and I also love him and at the same time i think to agree with it i feel sscared to not bear the situation..he told me we would live in separeted houses and for sure i font want to see her ever but if one day i see i know i wouldnt treat her bad..I dont know what to do i just wanted a muslim sister who is second wife or who understand it better to give me some advice... thank you
	IP Logged

abuayisha Senior Member Joined: 05 October 1999 Online Status: Offline Posts: 3997	Posted: 25 April 2012 at 7:06pm
	*Originally posted by laylak* .....I dont know what to do I think a good starting point for making a decision is to consider how you would feel if pregnant, and your husband leaves for work, only to "fall in love" with another woman, you have just had a baby, and happy to begin a family, only to have your husband come home and tell you, "I am taking a second wife". How would this make you feel? Is this something you would want for yourself? How can you even respect a man like that? Shame on both of you. It is little wonder that you are confused, because you know in your heart this is not right. Why destroy his family? Men, unfortunately, often times must be saved from their own fickleness, and especially during the time their wife is pregnant. Help him to do the right thing, if you really care for him, and find your own husband. He is already taken.
	IP Logged

lady Senior Member Joined: 20 September 2006 Online Status: Offline Posts: 240	Posted: 28 April 2012 at 7:16am
	good job Abuayisha...... there are so many questions that I have for this sister, but I really think that she already knows the answer. She should make isteqara as well. I say this because of many reasons but Allah will revealed to you solutions and things that you can not imagine. And HE(SWT) can place in your heart a solid image of many things of what could and may not happen, which ultimately will guide you on making the right decision for everyone involved in this.
	IP Logged

laylak Female Islam Starter Joined: 23 April 2012 Location: Brazil Online Status: Offline Posts: 4	Posted: 28 April 2012 at 3:05pm
	well of course i would fe el bad if i were in her place but i think i would acept it after all...she al ready know about me and his brother aond his mother said there wou ld be no problem in that...the only reasdon i gone to work on the ship was due to many problems i have in my family including the fact of being the o nly muslim and only woman of an italian tradictional family...my parents ar e divorced since i was 7 years old and i live with my father..my father is a lways with many diferents women and i always betraying them and making them fool and never care much (i dont desrurb i barely see him and i got a job i dont need his money), and yesterday i was very sick while he was with his girlfriend at her home and didnt care about anything...i cant stay with my mom coz she lilves in other place where the chances of getting a job are very less and i cant give her hard time...i fell for him coz he used to care about me and understand me and i think if i cant be with him i will have to move to ship again i cant be here like this being depressed and crying all night... sister lady i already did isteqara and then i dreamed about him and woke up with his call i was just confused if it is right i dont know i dont have anyone whom i can share my thoughts
	IP Logged

lady Senior Member Joined: 20 September 2006 Online Status: Offline Posts: 240	Posted: 29 April 2012 at 1:48pm
	Assalaamoalaikum laylak, You know what you should do. First of all, why are you making a decision to marry this guy based on your living conditions. So many of these kinds of stories that are posted here reminds me how easy it is to be given good advice, but we ultimately will do what we want to do regardless of the advice given. I am guilty of this sometimes as well. Anyway, isteqara may not be revealed immediately, it can come months later. I really think that you should think with your head and not your heart about your situation.. My advice for you is to not talk to this guy for a while, until you can see your situation clearly. I hope that you did not have any illegal relationships with him, and if you did then stop it now. I really think that you should give yourself time away from him so that your mind will be clear about him. I would say a month or more. And use this time to be active in the islamic community and befriend more sisters there as well. Go to the imam, and tell him about this guy. Make sure that you can attend the mosque he goes too, and ask the imam there about him. And of course, question the sisters there as well. I have read your post several times and I am still finding it hard to see anything peaceful about it. Good luck because you are going to need it. Also sister, when a guy really loves a woman, he will wait for her if she needs TIME alone from him...... Sister, I will try to remember to make dua for you to make the right decision for youself and his family. Assalaamoalaikum wrwb. Edited by lady - 29 April 2012 at 1:56pm
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laylak Female Islam Starter Joined: 23 April 2012 Location: Brazil Online Status: Offline Posts: 4	Posted: 29 April 2012 at 2:00pm
	well thx for the advices and ill surely think about it...i cant talk to his iman coz we r in diferent countries and i didnt have any illegal relationship with him while we worked in the same place we just used to talk and make plans for the future..i am trying to get hide from him but hes always sending me msgs..anyways ALLAH will help me to take him out of my heart inshALLAH thx once more
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seekshidayath Female Islam Senior Member Joined: 26 March 2006 Location: India Online Status: Offline Posts: 3337	Posted: 03 May 2012 at 11:19am
	As Salamu Alaikum wa rahmatullah Bro. AbuAyisha one of your best posts in this thread, JazakAllah khayr. And to the sis [ laylak ] was sorry to learn about your parents. Since you were deprived of love and care from your parents, you got attracted to care of that person. I don't think he is the right person for you. Thanks that you decided to leave him. Am sure, insha Allah, though its going to be tough, but Allah swt shall make it easy for you. Yes, he will be texting you lots of messages, shall even try to meet you. Make it clear to him, that he be off your way now. Insha Allah , sister, Allah swt shal surely bless you with a right person in your life. Say thanks to Allah swt that you were stopped.
	Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “All the descendants of Adam are sinners, and the best of sinners are those who repent."
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Chrysalis Senior Member Joined: 25 November 2007 Online Status: Offline Posts: 2031	Posted: 04 May 2012 at 6:13pm
	Salam Alaikum Sister In Islam, as Muslims we are advised to choose for our fellow brothers and sisters what we would choose for ourselves... My advise (putting myself in your shoes) DON'T MARRY THIS MAN. If I were in your place, I would NOT marry him - and I would distance myself from him. I think he is using you... he is from a different country, there is NO way for you to do a background check and see if he is truthful about his circumstances. He is not behaving like a very good muslim, and that means he will NOT make a good husband. He seems like the type who will leave you after he gets bored and finds someone else. You deserve better sister! Contact your local Masjid or meet local Muslims to find yourself a suitable spouse inshAllah. Try this website: http://www.halfourdeen.com/ They have over 314 success stories. InshAllah may you find a good suitable husband. JUST DONT MARRY HIM. I don't even think you need istikharah, it is THAT clear a decision. Istikhara is only when we are considering valid options. Before istikhara we are supposed to use and brain/intellect and seek advise.
	"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
	IP Logged