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Groups Women (Sisters)
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liyala
 
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Quote liyala Replybullet Topic: children issue or not
    Posted: 14 February 2012 at 8:02pm
here's a sister's story:
 
   "  we've been married three years. the first year, i said we will wait until we can get to know each other better, he readily agreed. after six months, i wanted to start our family but he said he has some family obligations and has just changed jobs so let's wait some more. one year later, i again broached the topic, now things have settled  down how about it. he says not yet, i still have other worries, and am not happy with this job. i am restless and i can't wait anymore so i push and get angry and plead but no go so i wait. one year later, we are again having the same conversation. the response is the same. how long can we blame bad economy? i feel desperate that i have no other options and finally i  threaten with divorce. he says i am not ready, you do what you have to do. i am nearing 40 and am afraid time is running out for me. i feel that he doesn't care, that his fobbing me off. he feels i am over-reacting and should calm down and give it some more time. what are we to do? "

what do you think?



Edited by liyala - 15 February 2012 at 3:28am
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lady
 
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Quote lady Replybullet Posted: 15 February 2012 at 8:13pm
Assalaamaoalaikum liyala.  Is he from another country?  Also too, how old is he?  And what have his family said to him and you about having babies? 
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Quote liyala Replybullet Posted: 15 February 2012 at 10:09pm
walaikumassalaam wa rahmatullah wabarkatahu lady.

this is not my story. they are from similar cultures. both husband and wife are close to 40. parents on both sides questioned about children earlier in the marriage but they are not bringing up the subject anymore. besides, this is a mature couple. i am not sure, maybe the parents think that they may be having difficulty getting pregnant. the sister does not want to discuss it with her family because it may cause a rift, and not with his family because she is not close enough to them. the brother doesn't think it is an issue.

i guess it would be awkward to personally talk to anyone anyway.
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Shifa-muslimah
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Quote Shifa-muslimah Replybullet Posted: 16 February 2012 at 7:04pm
Asslama-alaykuim dear Sr Liyala ,

It is very sad to see such a situation when both husband and wife are mature and adult and the brother does not wish to expand his family realizing that the time is not going to stay around. Though I must admit being in the western culture anything is possible to be adapted. These days boys and girls are in their late 30s and many don;t feel the need to get married due to their professions . And ofcourse the fobia of becoming a father at times can be scary for some brothers out there who may be not too family oriented or haven;t been raised around too many children.

Priority is very important when married ... always family should come first then any materialistic worldly life style. Again another issue is being raised and that people feel that till they are not financially stable enough they will not want to have kids not even realizing that every child that comes in this world comes with his own rizk .
But ofcourse Islam does lay conditions where couples can prevent having children only on the basis of medical conditions. For example , like the lady is too ill to have children or if she becomes pregnant .. it can be life threatening to her etc etc . Below is an article to go more in details :

My personal advise would be that the sister should take her husband to the local masjid and see the Imam there so that he can lay the rules of marriage and what is required from marriage.. what are the rights of a wife and how he should take up his responsibility as a good husband and muslim man.
These days many masajids are giving out marriage counseling for couples as they realized that in the community many couples go through a lot of difficulties and they need help if they don;t have their elders around specially living abroad.
Also let the dear sister seek the help of Allah SWT .. there is no one in this world who can be as close as your Allah. You can ask Allah for anything Halal so ask Allah to softens her husband's heart towards her and feeling the need to expand their family inshAllah ameen...
Be patient with him and continue to talk to him in kind manner  and remind him that how important it is to have a family for yourselves and for fulfilling one of the purpose of marriage . 
My own brother wasn't keen of having kids but when he had his first daughter who came in this world accidentally but with the will of Allah, now he loves his daughter to bits and now they have their second child as well .
InshAllah Sr with difficulty will come ease .... and if Allah wants you to have children .. the time is already set for her ... we just have to wait for THAT time. :)
I am sharing an article which the sister should share with her husband inshAllah to that he enlightens himself with some knowledge.

http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/127170/husband%20not%20wanting%20kids

May Allah guide us all to the right path and give us all thofeeq to please Allah in the best manner of all ameen.

JazakAllah for hearing me out.. May Allah bless you all :)
Peace
wa;'salam
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liyala
 
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Quote liyala Replybullet Posted: 19 February 2012 at 7:42pm
walaikumassalaam wa rahmatullah wabarkatahu.
the sister and her husband have talked to the imam and perused through articles on the internet regarding children and the will of Allahsubhanataalah but the husband says he still needs to think about it, that he is just not ready for children. That Allah knows his (the husband's) reasons are genuine and without malice so there is no reason Allah will not bestow his mercies on them later when they are both ready if she will just be a little patient.
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Quote dick514 Replybullet Posted: 21 March 2012 at 6:52am
Originally posted by liyala

walaikumassalaam wa rahmatullah wabarkatahu.
the sister and her husband have talked to the imam and perused through articles on the internet regarding children and the will of Allahsubhanataalah but the husband says he still needs to think about it, that he is just not ready for children. That Allah knows his (the husband's) reasons are genuine and without malice so there is no reason Allah will not bestow his mercies on them later when they are both ready if she will just be a little patient.
thank you
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