IslamiCity Forum - Islamic Discussion Forum: A serious question that I truly need help with.

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sayyeda786
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Topic: A serious question that I truly need help with.
Posted: 23 June 2011 at 10:10pm

Salam everyone who reads this,

I was born a Muslim and have not practiced as much as I should have until recently. I always knew there was no God but Allah and Muhammad (PBUH) is his messenger. However, I did things in the past which I should not have - the specifics are unnecessary. However, I have been continuously praying and praying to Allah and have truly been asking for forgiveness. I am a much better muslim now, alhumdulilah, and abide by Islamic decorum.

I have recently met a man whom I am suppose to wed. We were discussing our pasts and he asked me if I have even been with a man before, in any sense. The answer is yes, but I told him no because I do not want him to know of my past, but see me as pure (which I am in that sense). The only reason I told him no is because I truly asked for forgiveness and believe that Allah has forgiven me for all that I have done in my past. I don't think it is necessary for my soon to be husband to know any of this, but do you think it's wrong that I'm not telling him?

I really don't want him to know and changed my ways completely solely for him. I know Allah has forgiven me, and I will continue praying that he does forgive me even further.

I just need some advice as to what is the right thing to do.

Jazak'Allah for anyone who can provide any insight. I truly appreciate it.

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semar

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Posted: 23 June 2011 at 11:38pm

Salaam,

Islam is about now and the future. We don't need talk to much about the past, specially the bad stuff. You don't need to tell everything, specially the bad stuff, many times bad story trigger unnecessary problem during marriage live specially in difficult situation.

In case your future spouse ask about that, you can avoud that topic by topic by asking him " is that very important for you?". And start talk about the future. Umar ibn khattab was very-very bad person before Islam, but he was the one of the best human being after Islam.

Salam/Peace,
Semar
The Prophet said: "Do not eat before you are hungry, and stop eating before you are full"
"1/3 of your stomach for food 1/3 for water, 1/3 for air"

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lady

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Posted: 24 June 2011 at 7:05am

Assalaamaoalaikum Sayyeda. I think that you should not tell him that. Yes it was wrong to lie to him about it, but you should have not told him about your past, unless you have a disease that will affect him if you all decide to get married. I am happy that you are praying to Allah(SWT) for forgiveness. Ask yourself how long have you being practicing the islamic decorum? Really pray to Allah and ask HIM if you are ready for marriage now, and if this guy going to be a good husband for you? Sometimes people, hurry to get married after changing their life. I am not saying that marriage is not extremely important; Allah has that when a people marry then they have completed half of their religion. This is a wonderful thing. But I want you to be able to have that single life where you are able to concentrate on getting your life back where it needs to be. And have time getting use to living life like that so you are confident in the choices you make when it comes to choosing what is best for you. If you are ready for marriage then, Alhamidullah. Just make sure that you when you marry, you are doing it the islamic way. NO talking to him by yourself, etc. Also too, I hope that your family will agree with him as well. If you start off right,. then you will get good results. Sorry, if you did not want this advice because you did not ask me for this opinion. I just want to see muslim sisters being careful when it comes to choosing their future husband. My marriage was arrange and I have been married for 4.5 years, and all of those years brought much happiness to my life. Alhumdulillah. take care.

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islamispeace
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Posted: 24 June 2011 at 12:00pm

Walaikum as-salaam. I agree with brother Semar. What you did in the past is over and done with. There is no reason to bring it up. However, I think you can be honest with your fiance but remind him that you made a mistake and that you have repented. If he is a good Muslim, he will look past your mistakes and focus only on the present. We all make mistakes. No one has the right to condemn us except Allah (swt), especially if we have repented and moved on.

Say: "Truly, my prayer and my service of sacrifice, my life and my death, are (all) for Allah, the Cherisher of the Worlds. (Surat al-Anaam: 162)

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semar

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Posted: 25 June 2011 at 1:42am

Salam,

To me you should keep the 'bad' past for yourselves, unless he insist.

Salam/Peace,
Semar
The Prophet said: "Do not eat before you are hungry, and stop eating before you are full"
"1/3 of your stomach for food 1/3 for water, 1/3 for air"

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Sign*Reader

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Posted: 25 June 2011 at 2:46pm

If he insists then there is no future in this marriage!
It begs the questions, why does he want to marry you for what qualities in the first place?

Kismet Domino: Faith/Courage/Liberty/Abundance/Selfishness/Immorality/Apathy/Bondage or extinction.

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abuayisha

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Posted: 25 June 2011 at 5:44pm

Yeah, I also see no good reason to reveal what Allah has concealed, and which you have sought repentance. What I find extremely important is that once you are married, that you never, ever, mention this. There was a recent study that said:

"Your brain doesn't like to keep secrets. Studies at the University of Texas, Austin, have shown that writing down secrets in a journal or telling a doctor your secrets actually decreases the level of stress hormones in your body. Keeping a secret, meanwhile, does the opposite."

Your brain also doesn't like stress hormones. So when you have a secret to tell, the part of your brain that wants to tell the secret is constantly fighting with the part of your brain that wants to keep the information hidden...."

http://www.npr.org/2011/05/31/136495499/incognito-whats-hiding-in-the-unconscious-mind

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pure_columbian
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Posted: 29 June 2011 at 6:11am

I think what you need to ask yourself, is this, are you willing to start off your marriage and a new life with your husband, based on a lie?

If you do marry him after having lied to him and if for whatever reason he finds out later on that you lied to him, he will at the back of his mind be wondering what else you lied to him about.

The best way would be for you to tell him the truth. and if this marriage is to be then it will still happen, but you cannot start off your new life based on a lie.

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Topic: A serious question that I truly need help with.
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Author	Message
sayyeda786 Female Islam Starter Joined: 23 June 2011 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 1	Topic: A serious question that I truly need help with. Posted: 23 June 2011 at 10:10pm
	Salam everyone who reads this, I was born a Muslim and have not practiced as much as I should have until recently. I always knew there was no God but Allah and Muhammad (PBUH) is his messenger. However, I did things in the past which I should not have - the specifics are unnecessary. However, I have been continuously praying and praying to Allah and have truly been asking for forgiveness. I am a much better muslim now, alhumdulilah, and abide by Islamic decorum. I have recently met a man whom I am suppose to wed. We were discussing our pasts and he asked me if I have even been with a man before, in any sense. The answer is yes, but I told him no because I do not want him to know of my past, but see me as pure (which I am in that sense). The only reason I told him no is because I truly asked for forgiveness and believe that Allah has forgiven me for all that I have done in my past. I don't think it is necessary for my soon to be husband to know any of this, but do you think it's wrong that I'm not telling him? I really don't want him to know and changed my ways completely solely for him. I know Allah has forgiven me, and I will continue praying that he does forgive me even further. I just need some advice as to what is the right thing to do. Jazak'Allah for anyone who can provide any insight. I truly appreciate it.
	IP Logged

semar Senior Member Senior Member Joined: 11 March 2005 Online Status: Offline Posts: 1234	Posted: 23 June 2011 at 11:38pm
	Salaam, Islam is about now and the future. We don't need talk to much about the past, specially the bad stuff. You don't need to tell everything, specially the bad stuff, many times bad story trigger unnecessary problem during marriage live specially in difficult situation. In case your future spouse ask about that, you can avoud that topic by topic by asking him " is that very important for you?". And start talk about the future. Umar ibn khattab was very-very bad person before Islam, but he was the one of the best human being after Islam.
	Salam/Peace, Semar The Prophet said: "Do not eat before you are hungry, and stop eating before you are full" "1/3 of your stomach for food 1/3 for water, 1/3 for air"
	IP Logged

lady Senior Member Joined: 20 September 2006 Online Status: Offline Posts: 240	Posted: 24 June 2011 at 7:05am
	Assalaamaoalaikum Sayyeda. I think that you should not tell him that. Yes it was wrong to lie to him about it, but you should have not told him about your past, unless you have a disease that will affect him if you all decide to get married. I am happy that you are praying to Allah(SWT) for forgiveness. Ask yourself how long have you being practicing the islamic decorum? Really pray to Allah and ask HIM if you are ready for marriage now, and if this guy going to be a good husband for you? Sometimes people, hurry to get married after changing their life. I am not saying that marriage is not extremely important; Allah has that when a people marry then they have completed half of their religion. This is a wonderful thing. But I want you to be able to have that single life where you are able to concentrate on getting your life back where it needs to be. And have time getting use to living life like that so you are confident in the choices you make when it comes to choosing what is best for you. If you are ready for marriage then, Alhamidullah. Just make sure that you when you marry, you are doing it the islamic way. NO talking to him by yourself, etc. Also too, I hope that your family will agree with him as well. If you start off right,. then you will get good results. Sorry, if you did not want this advice because you did not ask me for this opinion. I just want to see muslim sisters being careful when it comes to choosing their future husband. My marriage was arrange and I have been married for 4.5 years, and all of those years brought much happiness to my life. Alhumdulillah. take care.
	IP Logged

islamispeace Islam Senior Member Joined: 01 November 2005 Online Status: Offline Posts: 1417	Posted: 24 June 2011 at 12:00pm
	Walaikum as-salaam. I agree with brother Semar. What you did in the past is over and done with. There is no reason to bring it up. However, I think you can be honest with your fiance but remind him that you made a mistake and that you have repented. If he is a good Muslim, he will look past your mistakes and focus only on the present. We all make mistakes. No one has the right to condemn us except Allah (swt), especially if we have repented and moved on.
	Say: "Truly, my prayer and my service of sacrifice, my life and my death, are (all) for Allah, the Cherisher of the Worlds. (Surat al-Anaam: 162)
	IP Logged

semar Senior Member Senior Member Joined: 11 March 2005 Online Status: Offline Posts: 1234	Posted: 25 June 2011 at 1:42am
	Salam, To me you should keep the 'bad' past for yourselves, unless he insist.
	Salam/Peace, Semar The Prophet said: "Do not eat before you are hungry, and stop eating before you are full" "1/3 of your stomach for food 1/3 for water, 1/3 for air"
	IP Logged

Sign*Reader Senior Member Joined: 02 November 2005 Online Status: Offline Posts: 3352	Posted: 25 June 2011 at 2:46pm
	If he insists then there is no future in this marriage! It begs the questions, why does he want to marry you for what qualities in the first place?
	Kismet Domino: Faith/Courage/Liberty/Abundance/Selfishness/Immorality/Apathy/Bondage or extinction.
	IP Logged

abuayisha Senior Member Joined: 05 October 1999 Online Status: Offline Posts: 4014	Posted: 25 June 2011 at 5:44pm
	Yeah, I also see no good reason to reveal what Allah has concealed, and which you have sought repentance. What I find extremely important is that once you are married, that you never, ever, mention this. There was a recent study that said: "Your brain doesn't like to keep secrets. Studies at the University of Texas, Austin, have shown that writing down secrets in a journal or telling a doctor your secrets actually decreases the level of stress hormones in your body. Keeping a secret, meanwhile, does the opposite." Your brain also doesn't like stress hormones. So when you have a secret to tell, the part of your brain that wants to tell the secret is constantly fighting with the part of your brain that wants to keep the information hidden...." http://www.npr.org/2011/05/31/136495499/incognito-whats-hiding-in-the-unconscious-mind
	IP Logged

pure_columbian Male Islam Groupie Joined: 31 December 2010 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 74	Posted: 29 June 2011 at 6:11am
	I think what you need to ask yourself, is this, are you willing to start off your marriage and a new life with your husband, based on a lie? If you do marry him after having lied to him and if for whatever reason he finds out later on that you lied to him, he will at the back of his mind be wondering what else you lied to him about. The best way would be for you to tell him the truth. and if this marriage is to be then it will still happen, but you cannot start off your new life based on a lie.
	IP Logged