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Family Matter
 IslamiCity Forum - Islamic Discussion Forum : Culture & Community : Family Matter
Message Icon Topic: Marriage question (Warning Very graphic i Post Reply Post New Topic
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apa79
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Quote apa79 Replybullet Topic: Marriage question (Warning Very graphic i
    Posted: 09 May 2011 at 8:36pm
Hello all ,
I have a very difficult question /situation to handle .Please do not read any further if you are offended by premarital relationship or any discussion about it . I need some help/advice from some fellow muslims as I am not sure what to do.Anyway here it is ,
I have been living in Canada for quite some time and have been recently been diagnosed with an STD calles Herpes .I am still waiting on the Lab result to determine if it is Type I or II.Now I understand the moral issues and punishments associated with it and do feel ashamed for my behaviour .However My family Back in Pakistan is talking about my marriage and I will be pressuried to say yes .
 
Now There are are several treatments available for this disease but since it is caused by a Virus .It can never be cured .However there are treatments with which You can suppress it and not infect some one else but there is always chance that you may infect your wife .
Now my questions are
1- Should I just explain the situation to the family elders and refuse to marry .
2- Proceed with marriage plan but use  the treatments available to suppress the virus .
I understand that It might be very sensitive and profane to some people (My apologies for that ).
Will await the feedback .
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lady
 
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Quote lady Replybullet Posted: 10 May 2011 at 12:47am

Assalaamoalaikum Alaikum Apa79. I used to test people for HIV and Syphillis, in 2003-2004. First of all, I am sure that you are aware that having premarital sex will increase your chance of contacting a sexual transmitted disease like this. What is more important is that you need to stop having premarital sex, and ask forgiveness from Allah. I also had to be educated in Herpes and other sexual transmitted illnesses due to the fact that these illnesses will increase the chance of someone contacting HIV. YOu need to get an HIV test as well.  In 2003, at that time, the only way that you can test someone for herpes is to test the herpes when there is a physical outbreak of it. So if you have an outbreak in your genitals, that means that you have type 2 even if you have recieved it from type 1 (cold sore). Even if the doctor gives you medicine to treat your type 2 herpes, you will never be able to have unprotected sex with your future wife,  without her having a high chance of getting herpes as well. Because the virus constantly sheds itself even when it is not a breakout, so  therefore it can still be passed to your future wife.  Most people pass herpes without ever having an visible outbreak. That is why most people who have it do not know that they have it until they get an external outbreak. My advice for you is that you have to always tell your future wife or wives that you have herpes. This should always be done before the agreement of marriage. This is bad not to do thiis. If she agree to this marriage after you have made this illness known to her, then that is her decision. You will even have to consider that your children could be born with herpes as well, so that is why if a woman was expose to it, she is encouraged to have C section.  Even if your future wife does not have a break out, the only way that she will be able to know if she has herpes 2 is if there is an outbreak of it, and then a sample of the fluid will be collected so that it can be tested.  I do think that you should tell an elder in your family about this as well, but I would not say that you should refuse to marry.  Some women do not want to have children or some women may want to take this risk with them knowing beforehand of this. Also too, there are some websites for marriages of muslims seeking other muslim with herpes. I  do not know those websites, but I had  conversations with several other muslims sisters, who received herpes from their cheating husbands, or from other personal ways. Google it.  Since you said that you were recently diagnosed, then I hope that you have type 1 instead of type 2. Go get tested for all other sexually transmitted disease.  Pray to Allah (SWT) for forgiveness.  Good luck, once Allah (SWT) has forgiven you, then be responsible, and stop having premarital sex.  I do not want you to feel sad about this after you have ask Allah for forgiveness, because it could be worst than what you have now. Dont hide this from her, or whomever you need to report this too in your family. I would not recommend you telling the elders, but tell one person in your family who will be in charge of finding a nice muslim women for you. Do what is right because none of us can hide from our sins if we are not forgiven.



Edited by lady - 10 May 2011 at 12:51am
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tiger
 
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Quote tiger Replybullet Posted: 10 May 2011 at 1:11am
Salaam
 

I agree with everything lady has said. I strongly feel that you should not deceive your future wife to be.

As hard as it may be, if that means you have to tell a family member. You really need to do that, as only then will they be able to decide how to best handle this situation.

I would also like to say, this may not be the case with your family, but from experience the mentality of most Pakistani family’s is, our son can do no wrong and if he has, cover it up.

So even if after knowing this they still advise you to marry without telling the woman. I would strongly advise not to adhere to such advice,  as fortunatly you yourself realise this is not a small matter and nobody has the right to play around with someone else’s life.
 

Good Luck I pray you make the right decision.



Edited by tiger - 10 May 2011 at 1:13am
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aka2x2
 
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Quote aka2x2 Replybullet Posted: 10 May 2011 at 6:43am
I agree with everything sister "lady" has said.
I can add that option #2 should not even be on the table. A marriage started with a lie is not going to be a successful one. You will not find happiness and contetntment by knowingly and deceitfully exposing someone to any STD.
Your option #2 should be to seek a wife who also has Herpes.

Respectfully
aka2x2
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abuayisha
 
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 10 May 2011 at 9:54am
Ditto!
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free4uboo
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Quote free4uboo Replybullet Posted: 10 October 2011 at 2:33pm
life does not end because of your illness, u should explain to your future wife what is your illness,but u should use condoms for your protection as well.
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iec786
 
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Quote iec786 Replybullet Posted: 06 February 2012 at 1:42pm
This lady is tahir you should not get married to her.Get someone with the same morals as you and make tauba.
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