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Family Matter
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tiger
 
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Quote tiger Replybullet Topic: Some one please advise
    Posted: 07 May 2011 at 2:04pm
Aslaam alikum
 
 From the day I met my Husband he has always known that my family, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc are a massive part of my life and I love them very much and one of the main conditions of our marriage was that when he marries me he takes them on to especially my mum and sisterís they will always be my responsibility and I will never hear a bad word about them as like most familyí mine arenít prefect either they have a lot of faults but I love them regardless. He not only agreed to this but the fact that I always focused on the good in people and was very forgiving and made excuses for people short comingís was one of the main thingís he loved about me. Especially since these qualities are the reason our marriage has survived for as long as it has done.
 

Unfortunately for most of our life together he did not keep true to his word. Pretty much right from the onset he started to verbally abuse most of my family members to me. unfortunately due to us living very close to my family he would see a lot of their flaw's  and granted, sometimes they were big ones, which he would home in on and start the nonstop bad mouthing and if I tried to defend them or explain that it was between them and Allah swt who are we to judge, that would only make thingís a million times worse. Because as far as he was concerned he hadnít said anything wrong so he can say what he wants and how he want's to and I should just s*****p and listen.

But that was something I couldnít do It really hurt because no matter what their faults I still love them. As the years went I had pretty much cut off from every one due to this. Because If I didnít meet them hopefully that meant my husband would stop bad mouthing them and I and my children would not have to listen to such abusive and evil words coming out of his mouth.

For the past few years as there was pretty much no one left in my life other than my immediate family (Mum, Sisters, dad). I always lived in fear, what if he turns on them. My mother has had an abusive husband herself the last thing I wanted was that now because of me bringing my husband in to their life, that they would now had to deal with a bad tempered abusive son in law.

A few days ago he was sitting with me my mother and sister. He started off yet again cussing my mumís nephew because of something wrong he was doing. He was going on and on and we were all trying to get him to calm down. We were making excuse for my cousinís parents not being able to stop him. I was trying to get my husband to understand, donít do this please itís not our fault where related to them Allah SWT chose these relations for us. Please my mum does not need this stress she is a ill women who has had a hard life.

 My Mum tried to explain for the umpteenth time she canít help it her family are her weakness she doesnít condone what they do, but she still loves them and will always pray for the best for them. This was the point that my worst nightmare came true. When my mum said that he told her Your F***ed in the head. He continued you can  F**K off. With that he then he walked off, leaving my mum to pass out.

After my mum had come around. I chased him next door and told him of my mums condition, not that he batted an eye lid, I gave him some home truths about how he was not perfect and how he had done many, many things wrong in his past that I overlooked and forgave. So why canít he accept that me, my mother and sister can do the same with otherís. But that only made things worse, because now he felt how dare I compare him to them. Now he said f**K off before I kill you all. I sat there and said go on if that makes you feel better. With this my mum walked in and apologised to him. I was not happy that my mum apologised because as far as I was concerned It should have been him doing the apologising. My mother did and said nothing wrong.

A few days have gone by and he has not shown 1% of remorse for what he has said.

He has verbally been abusive to me many, many times and I have gotten over it, but at my Mum. I canít ever forgive him for that. To make thing's worse he has now starting teaching the children that I am liar, there are no relations in the world, No aunt, Uncle's, cousins etc. He basically said that he would teach the kids not to trust any one and that every one is evil and stay away from every one. It's not the kind of lessons I want them being taught, or be under that kind of negative influence.

 Right now to be honest I donít want him anywhere near my kids, me or my family. I just cannot put up with his negativity and hatred for most people and thingís in this world. There doesnít seem to be anyone that can get through to him. Unfortunately his behaviour and temper with his own family is far worse, he doesnt seem to have any respect for any one. So I canít even ask them for help. 
 
 I want him out of our lives for good. But on the other hand I am scared to take such a big step. Please can someone advise? What do they think I should do?


Edited by tiger - 10 May 2011 at 1:25am
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 10 May 2011 at 9:43am
Asalam Alaikum,

My Duas for you and your family, everyone. He may very well have an anger management problem along with other things.  The hard part, we can never really truly know anyone. So how is anyone to know? Sometimes these things only manifest after time. Not to excuse, but the pressure may be too much on him.  If he is an adult with emotional issues, chances are as a child he did not get the appropriate help/guidance/behavior modification.

I have no idea where you live.. but could you separate for a time?   I think you need space to think things through..





Edited by Hayfa - 10 May 2011 at 9:43am
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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tiger
 
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Quote tiger Replybullet Posted: 10 May 2011 at 10:59am

va lekam salaam Hayfa

I would firstly like to thank you for taking the time out to give your advice and especially your dua's, which is truly the only thing i feel that can help my Husband
 
Iím from London and my husband is from the north of the UK.  We have never had a conventional marriage in the sense that we have spent majority of our time in our marriage apart rather than together, due to his priorities being his friendís. So to ease his conscience he decided that it was best I lived next door to my parents which allowed him to be away guilt free.
 

So you could say more or less most of our marriage has been in separation. Other than the last year where he has started to spend more time with us rather than his friends. But I think the only reason for that was, most of his friends have now got married and got their priorities right and secondly the main reason is when he is away he lives with his family and they too have had enough of his temper and donít want him around. 

I think your right; maybe a more formal type of separation would be better, but i feel this is not a option i can take, because then I worry that he will end up staying with his family, and I canít do that to his poor Mum, as it is she seems to get the worst of his temper. I can only imagine  how much worse he will get with them if a formal separation was to take place.

 

 

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umm sakina
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Quote umm sakina Replybullet Posted: 22 May 2011 at 10:12pm
salam, tiger,
i am so sorry to hear about your predicament. i will also pray for you tonight, insha Allah. it just so happens that i wrote a short blog entry today on silat-ar-rahm (being good to relatives, including in-laws). maybe you can share it with him? i also have an entry on anger (titled hopping mad). maybe you can tell him what God says about these topics.
best wishes, umm sakina

http://theperfectionistas.blogspot.com/2011/05/its-all-relative.html
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Quote tiger Replybullet Posted: 30 May 2011 at 4:31am
Thank you for your reply.
I will read the blogs
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aminanima
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Quote aminanima Replybullet Posted: 13 July 2011 at 11:22pm
subhanAllah, it sounds like he has a lot of jahallyia still in him. There are two kinds of abusive behaviour, 1. Fysically(?) abuse meaning to hurt someone with the hands, to hit 2. Physically(?) abuse, to call someone bad words, to put someone down, and so on.
 
I think he hasn't seen and experienced another way of life because all members of his family are the like. He thinks this behaviour is right and normal. But deep inside I think he is hurt, how can someone be happy when born and raised in such conditions?
 
I believe you when you say that you are afraid and maybe you are afraid that he will hurt you if you mention this. You have two choices: to try to live like this or to live without him. You and your family are not to blame and I am really sorry for your mother.
 
I wish you all the best!
Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh!
 
 
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Quote alderwish Replybullet Posted: 29 August 2011 at 10:27am
I agree with you . Your ultimate goal is 2 get away from him as far as possible.  To do that you need community support. Such as your local mosque imam and some other decent muslims around you.  You also might need the law on your side soon. Then you can take the next step.
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