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muslima_03
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Quote muslima_03 Replybullet Topic: One month of marriage, divorce already?
    Posted: 23 April 2011 at 8:44am
Salam alikoum,

Tomorrow I will be married exactly one month, and I feel like it was a huge mistake ( we knew each other for approximately 6 months before getting married.)

Since the beginning, we have had problems and we argue constantly. At least once or twice a week we have some sort of huge blow out and I feel like the issues are never resolved (ie: the same things keep coming up).

On his part, he says that I am cold, and that I don’t try to do anything to please him. He also tells me that if I don’t please him, that eventually he will have to look elsewhere (ie: he will cheat on me, even though he knows it’s a HUGE sin), or he will take another wife. He also (jokingly) says that he should have married someone from his own country because at least they would know how to cook, clean, etc. I can’t help but start believing this after he repeats it over and over!

As far as me, he blames me for the problems, he says things that I think belittle me (such as: you ruin everything, I have to explain everything to you, you don’t understand, etc) and make me feel incompetent. I’ve brought this to his attention many a times, but he generally shrugs it off. He doesn’t do anything to make me feel special as a wife. We have been out once since we have been married and that is because I suggested that we go have a picnic at the beach.

Last night I was crying and when he asked me what’s wrong I said that I feel like I’m not a good wife (ie: honestly feeling like I can’t please him, regardless of what I do), and all he said was ‘whatever, you make your own conclusions’ and left me to cry. Then he made a comment later on along the lines of, “she has all these problems, she’s always crying” without trying to comfort me.

Lately we don’t sleep in the same bed and we can go the entire day without saying more than 2-3 sentences to each other.

Every week the idea of divorce has been brought up, and he has told me several times that if I don’t change that he will be forced to divorce me because he can’t live with someone “cold” like me.

I am afraid to talk to him because I don’t know how to start the conversation and I am afraid of his reaction to my feelings.

I constantly pray to ALLAH swt that he will guide us and I feel like SHAYTAN is in our relationship trying to constantly pull us apart.

Please help! After one 1 month I am afraid we are headed to divorce already? I am so disparate to save our
relationship but I don’t know what to do.

Barakallahu fikoum for any advice. It is much appreciated.
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abuayisha
 
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 23 April 2011 at 2:42pm

Salam alikoum,

wa alaikum salaam Muslima 03; Welcome!

Tomorrow I will be married exactly one month, and I feel like it was a huge mistake ( we knew each other for approximately 6 months before getting married.)
 

I think the time here isn’t an issue, but what was the marriage based upon, ie., physical attraction, immigration status (green card), money, social status, religion, or otherwise?  Was there any involvement from the Islamic community, and did you have a wali (guardian) to advise you concerning your husband and/or potential compatibility?

Since the beginning, we have had problems and we argue constantly. At least once or twice a week we have some sort of huge blow out and I feel like the issues are never resolved (ie: the same things keep coming up).

As painful and stressful that arguments can be they are somewhat natural and normal given two individuals with differing goals, objective and outlook on life.  What’s important in my estimation is that one of you must possess enough maturity and knowledge of how to properly communicate (communication skills) without blowing up and becoming angry and defensive.

On his part, he says that I am cold, and that I don’t try to do anything to please him. He also tells me that if I don’t please him, that eventually he will have to look elsewhere (ie: he will cheat on me, even though he knows it’s a HUGE sin), or he will take another wife. He also (jokingly) says that he should have married someone from his own country because at least they would know how to cook, clean, etc. I can’t help but start believing this after he repeats it over and over!

This sounds like frustration over not having his expectations met; has he been married before?  Or maybe his expectations are cultural – the way his mom did things; however either way no need for you to become defensive or feel inadequate.  This is an opportunity for you to learn something new and spice it up with your own cultural background and experiences.

As far as me, he blames me for the problems, he says things that I think belittle me (such as: you ruin everything, I have to explain everything to you, you don’t understand, etc) and make me feel incompetent. I’ve brought this to his attention many a times, but he generally shrugs it off. He doesn’t do anything to make me feel special as a wife. We have been out once since we have been married and that is because I suggested that we go have a picnic at the beach.

Yeah, I’m sorry these words are painful, but know he is dealing with his own feelings of low self esteem and maturity.  Often those who say these things are not emotionally secure and stable themselves.  He will need your help to bring to his attention the inappropriateness of his comments, but without emotion and crying.  Better you do it at a time when you are in control of yourself.  You may want to take the lead to suggest other interesting family outings – maybe culturally he needs your help in this area.

Last night I was crying and when he asked me what’s wrong I said that I feel like I’m not a good wife (ie: honestly feeling like I can’t please him, regardless of what I do), and all he said was ‘whatever, you make your own conclusions’ and left me to cry. Then he made a comment later on along the lines of, “she has all these problems, she’s always crying” without trying to comfort me.

Sounds like he was trying to say your conclusion wasn’t correct.  Often men feel a bit helpless and unable to deal with crying, so I wouldn’t take this to mean he doesn’t care.

Lately we don’t sleep in the same bed and we can go the entire day without saying more than 2-3 sentences to each other.

Well hopefully once the anger subsides it will get better.  What about family and friends, have they been able to make any helpful suggestions or interventions? 

Every week the idea of divorce has been brought up, and he has told me several times that if I don’t change that he will be forced to divorce me because he can’t live with someone “cold” like me.

I am afraid to talk to him because I don’t know how to start the conversation and I am afraid of his reaction to my feelings.

I constantly pray to ALLAH swt that he will guide us and I feel like SHAYTAN is in our relationship trying to constantly pull us apart.

Are you both praying five times daily?  Does he attend any lectures in the mosque?  As long as you’re not irreligious Shaytan will not be successful.  If your marriage began correctly, insha’Allah it will continue correctly and get better with proper communication, love and compromise.

Please help! After one 1 month I am afraid we are headed to divorce already? I am so disparate to save our
relationship but I don’t know what to do.

Struggle to work things out and don’t mention divorce.  Seek outside help if you’re unable to work through your troubles, but try your best first.  One month certainly isn’t very long – be patient and insha’Allah you’ll be happy you hung in there. Allah bless you and reward you.  I’m praying for you!


Barakallahu fikoum for any advice. It is much appreciated.

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Chrysalis
 
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Quote Chrysalis Replybullet Posted: 24 April 2011 at 3:33am
Salaam Sister!

Sorry to hear you are having  troubles! May Allah help you and your husband. Abuaisha gave good advise..

Turning to Allah is a great remedy! Read about Islam, and the wives of the Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) and how the women in that time used to deal with family and husbands.

Also - have you looked at online marriage classes or seminars? If both of you are from different cultures, then Islam can act as the common ground :). There are some really nice online seminars for married couples - based on Islamic sources. One of them is called 'Fiqh of Love' by Al Maghrib Institute. I think one has to pay for the online seminar, but its pretty nominal.

Another scholar who is also a certified marriage counselor, Shiekh Riad Ourzazzi, he also offers online marriage seminars. I think if you both could take the course together 'as fun', it would help. Or you could just take it up on your own.

Here are the links:

http://forums.almaghrib.org/forumdisplay.php?f=46

http://www.islamictorrents.net/details.php?id=15191

The date for this one has passed, but keep an eye out, maybe they have another seminar soon?

http://www.roctraining.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=21






Edited by Chrysalis - 24 April 2011 at 10:16pm
"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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abuayisha
 
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 24 April 2011 at 6:57am

Riad Ouarzazi is an "NLP Certified Life Coach practitioner".  Does this qualify someone as a "certified marriage counselor"? 

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Chrysalis
 
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Quote Chrysalis Replybullet Posted: 24 April 2011 at 9:56pm
Originally posted by abuayisha

Riad Ouarzazi is an "NLP Certified Life Coach practitioner".  Does this qualify someone as a "certified marriage counselor"? 



Salam Abuaisha,

Apologies... perhaps I misunderstood the instructor when he mentioned he performs marriage counseling for would-be married couples. Perhaps he does that on a non-official basis as the local Imam. That does not antimacassar mean he is 'certified', I made an incorrect assumption.
He is an effective speaker, and one could check out his videos on you-tube regarding marriage - and if they like it, they could opt for his seminar.

Another Imam/scholar one could approach/seek out if they are accessible to you:
Shiekh Yasser Birjas

http://almaghrib.org/instructors/yaser-birjas#profile

There is also a free e-book called 'Like a Garment', (about marriage) one can google it. Its available for download.

http://www.scribd.com/doc/47110189/Like-a-Garment-eBook





Edited by Chrysalis - 24 April 2011 at 10:13pm
"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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muslima_03
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Quote muslima_03 Replybullet Posted: 25 April 2011 at 3:39pm
Thank you for all of your responses. Next weekend there is a conference on Islam here, so I am going to try to find some “self-help” marriage books that are in French so we can both use them. Chrysalis, I am going to download the e-book that you suggested, but given that it's English, I won't be able to share it with my husband. I am sure it will be helpful for me though, inchAllah.

We have made it just *one* successful day without fighting…. until this afternoon. I am sorry that I am going into details but living in a foreign country, I don’t have anyone here I can talk to where I can really express myself. I have some Muslima friends, but my husband doesn’t like that I go out to see them or talk on the phone (which is a whole other subject!). I definitely can’t talk to my family about it because they didn’t necessarily agree with our marriage in the first place, so I try not to talk about anything negative in our relationship because I know that they will take one small thing and use it against me later on. Needless to say, I feel pretty isolated.

This was the jist of our fight today: He left in the afternoon to go do some errands with his uncle, and when I asked how long he would be gone, he said he was coming home “at night”, which I took as later (after Maghreb). He sends me a text a few hours later asking if I fixed something to eat, and I told him what I was going to make for dinner, and he responded a simple “OK”. I didn’t notice that 20 minutes later he sent me a text asking me to take something out of the freezer. He then comes home an hour later, around 5:00 PM, earlier than I had imagined.

He starts out nice, giving me a kiss, then he asked if I took out what he wanted from the freezer, to which I replied no, because I didn’t know, and so I look in my phone at that moment and he starts going on about how he can *never* count on me, how he hadn’t eaten all day and was hungry, and why I didn’t think to make something to eat for him. I then explain to him that I thought he said he was coming home later and I had planned on making something for dinner. I said that I told him that in a text message and he said OK, but he didn’t specify that he was coming home at that instant or to make him something to eat, and that I didn’t do it on purpose, and I wasn’t ignoring his needs. During this time, I am cutting up some parsley that I bought a few days earlier. He then starts in on me about how that I am lazy and that because I waited a few days to cut up the parsley that I had to throw away part of it and that I was being wasteful. He then continues and asks why I didn’t put the tomatoes away in the fridge and that now they were going to get moldy and again, I am being wasteful. He was being really harsh and insulting me and belittling me. I had reached my boiling point, so I yelled at him and told him to STOP CRITISIZING ME! I immediately apologized afterwards and I said I was sorry for yelling at him and that I was angry, and he threatened me by saying that the next time I yell at him, he is going to hit me to teach me a lesson! He then proceeds to say that all of the problems in our relationship are created by ME and that it’s all my fault. At this point I just say OK and I leave the kitchen.

A few minutes later, I hear him putting on his shoes and getting ready to leave, so I ask him if he’s going out and he says yes, and I ask when he’s coming back and he just says “this evening”. I say bye and he shuts the door in my face. This makes me mad of course, so I send him a text saying next time at least say goodbye, to which the follow conversation:

Me: The next time you leave at least say goodbye
Him: yes, it’s simple, you yell at me, and I’ll say goodbye
Me: I told you I was sorry, it is up to you whether or not you want to accept my apology or refuse it
Him: Well then I refuse it
Me:  please I don’t want you to be mad at me, again I’m sorry that I yelled at you
Him: It wasn’t the first time either:
Me: I’m sorry, I was angry!


And that was the extent of it, he never responded. Around 10:30 PM, I hadn’t heard from him, so I sent him a message asking if he wanted me to wait for him to eat dinner or if I should go ahead without him… which he responds an hour later with “no”. I then ask if he was coming home now, with no response. It is now almost midnight, and he is still out, and has not yet responded.

This is just an example of what happens on a daily basis, but the subject changes. I feel like I did my part and I apologized numerous times, and now I am hurt and mad that he simply refused my apology. I know it is not good but I am starting to resent him in my heart because he is constantly blaming me and constantly criticizing me. I can’t live up to his standards, and in the end I end up feeling miserable because I feel like I am failing as a wife. Honestly, I don’t feel like I can put up with this for the rest of my life. I no longer feel like myself, I am constantly depressed or sad because we are always fighting!

Anyway, I know I am babbling, and I apologize because I feel very “high school” and he-said, she-said, but I just need to have an outsiders opinion and advice, since I can’t turn to anyone here.

Barakallahu fikoum for your help! May ALLAH bless you.
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Quote Chrysalis Replybullet Posted: 26 April 2011 at 12:50am
Salaam Sister,

Its a pity that he cannot read these books, because there are some really nice lectures and stuff in English. I was going to recommend another one, maybe you can listen to it and get some tips?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zm3bS5nZUjM Its called 'Mars & Venus'.








Edited by Chrysalis - 26 April 2011 at 12:52am
"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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Quote muslima_03 Replybullet Posted: 27 April 2011 at 3:15pm
Barakallahu fikoum for your advice and responses.

I pretty much had a "melt down" yesterday, and told him that I was ready to pack my bags and move home (I honestly was thinking it was coming to the end). We had a long talk, and al hamdoulilah things are much better now. We both made a list of things that we are each going to work on and communication is at the top of both of them! This weekend there is an Islamic conference here, and I know there will be lots of vendors and I plan on picking up some books on marriage that we can both read.

May ALLAH guide us in the right path :)
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