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Originally posted by John Mohammad

I very much understand the concept of love following marriage in the case of an arranged marriage, where the man and woman may or may not have even laid eyes on the other in any circumstances. 
What I don't understand, though, is how this applies to a marriage of choice. Assuming we are talking about two adults in circumstances where they are both able to make their own choices, why would the notion of marriage even be entertained if there weren't some sort of attraction? My view may be a result of being raised in America, but one doesn't just decide "I'm going to marry" and then just pick a mate at random! 

I'm not meaning to be argumentative, and I completely understand the concept of love following marriage- in certain situations. As I noted in my original post, I'm a new Muslim and I'm trying to make practical sense out of Islamic teachings vs. practical aplications in situations I admittedly may never find myself in. In this case, I am trying to sort out my own situation, and as I know I'll be asked about this sort of thing at some point I want to get my 'ducks in a row' before providing untrue or misleading information.

Hello John.

It is perfectly natural to want to be attracted to your potential mate and 'choose' your spouse. It is entirely up to the individual how long they want to get to know their potential spouse and develop an attraction (within limits prescribed). We can tell from history of the companions of Prophet Muhammad that there was an element of 'attraction' or 'wanting to marry a certain somebody'. E.g. a non-muslim sent a proposal to a muslim lady because he wanted to marry her. But she refused saying that he was a non-muslim and so she couldn't... but if he accepted Islam, she would marry him. So he converted to Islam and they got married! (I am assuming that he obviously liked her enough to convert for her.... ) So Islam does not at all discourage a healthy 'romance' (if I may say so) of sorts. But it has to be relevant to your situation right! 

However your case is completely different, you talk as if somebody is forcing you into an arranged marriage. The above discussion does not apply to you because you already have a spouse. And I assume you went through the whole phase of courtship and attraction and hopefully 'love' with her - did you not? Your current wife IS of your choosing. And if you were a single muslim looking for a spouse all the above aspects would apply to you  most definitely. Your situation is different. 

It is you trying to somehow find a way to justify your situation and find a way out. Brother, Allah does give you ways out if you are fed up with your marriage, etc. Allah also gives you the right to choose & select your spouse to your pleasing. But within reason... You mentioned that your current marriage is fine and there are no issues with your current wife... it would be unfair and st**id to possible destroy an active relationship for something you supposedly think is 'better'.

Yes there is an allowance for more than wife in Islam brother, but it should be situationally relevant, and beneficial for society. I don't think Allah allowed plural  marriages so men could legalise affairs. There would be no end to that... 'Secret marriages' are not exactly beneficial for the society. 

I suppose you think we are harsh and 'not getting you'... but I think you need people to shake you a bit and bring you back to reality. You are in a 'me' bubble right now, only thinking about you and her and you imaginary perfect future life. Be real. I hope you take our adivse/comments/opinions positively.

Author	Message
Chrysalis Senior Member Joined: 25 November 2007 Online Status: Offline Posts: 2031	Posted: 16 January 2011 at 6:53pm
	*Originally posted by John Mohammad* I very much understand the concept of love following marriage in the case of an arranged marriage, where the man and woman may or may not have even laid eyes on the other in any circumstances. What I don't understand, though, is how this applies to a marriage of choice. Assuming we are talking about two adults in circumstances where they are both able to make their own choices, why would the notion of marriage even be entertained if there weren't some sort of attraction? My view may be a result of being raised in America, but one doesn't just decide "I'm going to marry" and then just pick a mate at random! I'm not meaning to be argumentative, and I completely understand the concept of love following marriage- in certain situations. As I noted in my original post, I'm a new Muslim and I'm trying to make practical sense out of Islamic teachings vs. practical aplications in situations I admittedly may never find myself in. In this case, I am trying to sort out my own situation, and as I know I'll be asked about this sort of thing at some point I want to get my 'ducks in a row' before providing untrue or misleading information. Hello John. It is perfectly natural to want to be attracted to your potential mate and 'choose' your spouse. It is entirely up to the individual how long they want to get to know their potential spouse and develop an attraction (within limits prescribed). We can tell from history of the companions of Prophet Muhammad that there was an element of 'attraction' or 'wanting to marry a certain somebody'. E.g. a non-muslim sent a proposal to a muslim lady because he wanted to marry her. But she refused saying that he was a non-muslim and so she couldn't... but if he accepted Islam, she would marry him. So he converted to Islam and they got married! (I am assuming that he obviously liked her enough to convert for her.... ) So Islam does not at all discourage a healthy 'romance' (if I may say so) of sorts. But it has to be relevant to your situation right! However your case is completely different, you talk as if somebody is forcing you into an arranged marriage. The above discussion does not apply to you because you already have a spouse. And I assume you went through the whole phase of courtship and attraction and hopefully 'love' with her - did you not? Your current wife IS of your choosing. And if you were a single muslim looking for a spouse all the above aspects would apply to you most definitely. Your situation is different. It is you trying to somehow find a way to justify your situation and find a way out. Brother, Allah does give you ways out if you are fed up with your marriage, etc. Allah also gives you the right to choose & select your spouse to your pleasing. But within reason... You mentioned that your current marriage is fine and there are no issues with your current wife... it would be unfair and st**id to possible destroy an active relationship for something you supposedly think is 'better'. Yes there is an allowance for more than wife in Islam brother, but it should be situationally relevant, and beneficial for society. I don't think Allah allowed plural marriages so men could legalise affairs. There would be no end to that... 'Secret marriages' are not exactly beneficial for the society. I suppose you think we are harsh and 'not getting you'... but I think you need people to shake you a bit and bring you back to reality. You are in a 'me' bubble right now, only thinking about you and her and you imaginary perfect future life. Be real. I hope you take our adivse/comments/opinions positively.
	"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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lady Senior Member Joined: 20 September 2006 Online Status: Offline Posts: 240	Posted: 16 January 2011 at 9:34pm
	Chrystalis. I completely agree with what you have mentioned in these last two post.
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