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Family Matter
 IslamiCity Forum - Islamic Discussion Forum : Culture & Community : Family Matter
Message Icon Topic: LIVING A REAL LIFE SOAP OPERA Post Reply Post New Topic
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Kouklanella
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Quote Kouklanella Replybullet Topic: LIVING A REAL LIFE SOAP OPERA
    Posted: 24 November 2010 at 2:02pm
Hello:
Let me start off by saying that my story is a complicated one. I am an Italian woman (34 years old) that was raised in a strict Italian family and went to Catholic school all her life. When I was 16, I met the love of my life, Khalid who was 23. Of course my parents were beside themselves that their only child was in love with an Arabic guy and a Muslim. We dated for approximately 6 years from 1992 to 1998. My parents eventually accepted him but everyone else in my family always had a comment. It just made it impossible for us to be together and that is why I decided to end it. I wish I would have died that day instead. He took my heart, soul, and my life the day he walked out my parents house crying. From the ages of 22 to 25 I was just crying in my room and focusing on school and moving ahead in my career. I just couldn't bare living with my parents as every room had a memory of me and khalid. Finally, in 2002 I agreed to marry my friends brother who fit the perfect profile...he was italian. However, my mind was always on Khalid. The only reason I went along with it was because I knew and believed in my heart that khalid hated me and I'm sure he would marry some beautiful girl and have 10 kids and I would be nothing, not even an after thought. I would have dreams of him all the time. I even went to Egypt and that destroyed me because I wanted to share this great experience with him. Everyone and everything reminded me of him. However, I always prayed to God that if God really existed, that Khalid would never, ever be able to forget about me like I never forgot about him! Before I got married, I told my mother, I will move on, be a success at my career, get married, but I only love one man and one man only for the rest of my life and I am never, ever having children. For most of my life I have been dedicated to my career as I am in the petroleum industry and have a very demading postion. So really, for the last 9 years I have been married to my career. Well, after years of rejection and being cold hearted, my husband decided to finally give up and said to me, you never loved me, I make you miserable and its so sad to always see you upset, angry and just so cold. He also wanted children, but I told him I would never, ever be able to do that and I even said I disliked kids and I couldn't do it due to my career and busy schedule. Truth is, the thought of having kids with someone else made and still makes me sick! I never envisioned my children with light brown hair and green eyes, but rather, black curly hair, big almond brown eyes, heart shaped lips and long beautiful eyelashes. That should have been my child with Khalid.
Anyway...I didn't shed a tear over the divorce. Instead I felt a great weight lifted off my shoulder. Then almost immediately after the divorce, I received an email on Facebook. IT WAS MY KHALID! He said pumpkin (he used to call me that) is it really you...I tried calling you, your mom would hang up on me for years I tried contacting you, those flowers were for you, your mom sent them back. I love you even though its been 100 years...I love you! Needless to say, I almost passed out at my desk while at work! I just couldn't believe it! After 12 years, finally God answered my prayers for bringing my heart and soul back! I still don't believe it's him, I think I am dreaming! I told him everything in a matter of minutes. Everything I had ever wanted to say and tell him...I said it. I know that my getting married hurt him since he was my one and only man I had ever been with. He was living in Florida and has 3 children and his wife is in Israel. He also said that everyone knew about me and how much he loved only me, even his wife. He even wanted to name his daughter Antonella after me! I knew his family and they know our story and they too were always reminded of me because he would tell them he never got over me. He told me the same things I was feeling first. He had dreams about me, thought about me all the time and saw me in every italian thing he saw. Now The reason I never pursued finding him was because I thought he hated me and I didn't want to be in the situation that I am currently in. He literally picked up his kids and his mom and moved back to New York 2 weeks ago. We have not seen each other yet, but have a date in 2 weeks to see each other. I literally have a list of questions to ask him. Very serious and pointed questions ranging from marriage, kids, religion, career, etc...He says he wants to marry me and we deserve to be happy and we are each others soul mates! I believe he does love me, but I can't help but think of the kids and his wife. If it were me, I would be mortified. He calls me mother theresa and I shouldn't worry about what others say or think and they won't be surprised since everyone knows about me. It's time for us and we are meant to be together. Now I ask you, what should I do? Do I walk away or do I pursue this? I just feel awful about the kids and wife, but at the same time, I don't want anyone else and I love him more than myself. Please help. If you could explain the divorce process for Muslims here in the U.S. I would appreciate that too.  I know about Talaq three times, but is that it to dissolve a marriage? Do I need to find out if they were married at a city hall or something too? I am just sooooooooo confused and I don't want my emotions to overtake my common sense. Also, is he technically committing adultry too by talking to me? I will never allow him to do anything to disrespect himself, his family, his children and me. I have told him this numerous times. I appreciate any guidance you can give me.
Shucron!


Edited by Kouklanella - 24 November 2010 at 2:09pm
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 29 November 2010 at 11:18am
Walaikum Salaam,

I don't have time to fully answer but will soon.. inshallah.

Welcome to the Forum. BTW.

Hayfa
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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Kouklanella
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Quote Kouklanella Replybullet Posted: 29 November 2010 at 11:25am

Shucron, Hayfa! I look forward to your reply and guidance. Best regards, Antonella

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Chrysalis
 
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Quote Chrysalis Replybullet Posted: 29 November 2010 at 5:56pm
Is he still married to his wife? Would you be willing to be his 2nd wife? How would his first wife feel?


"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 01 December 2010 at 11:50am
I ditto Chrysalis's questions.

Life is complicated is it not..

The question of being a co-wife is legitimate. People often do not understand it. But it is totally an option. Not perfect, but honestly, life is messy.

It is good you are thinking of the other wife. Whatever his and her relationship, she is the mother of the children and always will be.  she may love him as well. Marriage is about rights and responsibilities.

How are things now?
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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Kouklanella
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Quote Kouklanella Replybullet Posted: 02 December 2010 at 4:55am
Thank you both for taking the time to help me. He knows better than to ask me to be a second wife. I rather be dead first and he doesn't want multiple wives anyway. He is willing to give her the Talaq. I just want to know what that process entails. Is it really as easy as saying it 3 times on 3 separate occasions in front of people??? We have our meeting set for Thursday, Dec.9th so I will keep you posted if I have any questions and what happens. Believe me all I think about is the children. He found me and reached out to me first, although all these years I never had the guts because I didn't want to be in this situation, but everything happens for a reason and if it's meant to be and God is willing, then so be it, but one thing I know for sure, is that we loved each other then and we love each other now, and we will for the rest of our lives. Shucron!
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Quote lady Replybullet Posted: 27 December 2010 at 1:33am

Hello. I find it very interesting for you to say that he knows better to ask you to be a second wife.  Because you have agreed to help this guy  divorce his current wife for you. Well, I find your story to have alot of missing pieces. He may be the man of your dreams, but I feel like it is only that.  Why would he easily leave his muslim wife? I just do not think that he is telling you completely the truth about what his intentions are. You said that it has been more than several years since you have talked to him. And people change from 16 to 34. I really believe that you are still in love to what he was when he was younger. Only time will tell you if he is your ideal husband. I just do not get a good feeling as I am reading your whole letter. There are alot of missing pieces. If he is comfortable in what he is doing and I am sure that you do not want to go through a second divorce, then why do you not just talk to an Imam. Ask him the same questions that are posted here. I think that you should just call any mosque and set up an appointment with the Imam or any muslim sister.  Talk to her about what has really been happening with you and him, even alot of the conversations you have had with this guy. The imam will always guide you to what islams say about your situation. I know that you are not muslim but understanding what islam says may help you understand how he may act towards you later whenever he regains his conscious.  I am just telling you boldly what I am thinking. you can correct me or reply your response as honest as you think is appropriate. I do hope that you find peace and happiness in your life in everything you do. Good luck because because I really feel like you will need alot of it.

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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 27 December 2010 at 6:57am
Excellent post Lady.Hug
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