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Family Matter
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bc4smr
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Quote bc4smr Replybullet Topic: Cheating Husband
    Posted: 02 November 2010 at 9:48am
AOA, I got married in 1998 (I was 18 years old).  My marriage is arranged marriage.  My husband starts cheating on me 2001.   I was very upset of course I had a big fight and he promises me that he will never do that again.  I took his words and stayed with him.  Then I found about his sex affairs in 2008.  He never stopped.  By 2008 I had 3 children with him.  I demanded divorce.  Of course another fight.  I involved his family and my family they said to me all the menís do that.  He will stop and since I have 2 daughters it would be better if I stay with him.    During those eight years our relationship sucks.  We were at point where I will crave for sex and if I ask him he will insult me and he wonít do it.  I start thinking about other menís.  I got at the point where all I want to have is sex.  Thanks Allah I did not commit any sin.  In late 2008 we started consoling.  Consoling helps our relationship.  Now he will still not come to me but if I ask he wonít insult me anymore and that was once in a month if I get lucky twice a month.  A month ago I found out he has been with other womenís and he never stopped cheating on me.   My oldest one is 10 years old and my middle daughter is 8 and my son is 4 and I have a new born.  I donít know what to do.  His family and my family is saying the same thing again that one day he will stop.  I should be more pation with him.  Since I have 4 kids and I am 30 years old no one will marry me.  If I leave him and find other men I will bring a shame to my family and will ruin my childrenís life.   I donít to what to do.  I live in USA.  According to all my friends male/female I am very attractive and I wonít have any problem finding a men.  I know that for fact because at my work and collage guys hit on me every day.  Thanks to Allah I have been very strong to stay honest with my religion, husband and children.  I love my husband so much and at the same time I canít get over the rejection I receive from him.  I told him he canít touch me anymore.  Which is perfectly fine with him!  He is a very good father.  He is a very good friend and roommate.  We get along very well.  Itís just the relationship as a husband and wife we have is not working.  He is not into me.  Does not matter what I do or wear I wonít get any warm exciting feelings or comments from him.  I love sex and I know the only HALAL sex I can have is from him.  Please help me and advise me what I should do? 

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Pati
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Quote Pati Replybullet Posted: 02 November 2010 at 6:48pm
My dear,
 
Your life really touched me. I don't know what to say.
 
I heard that some men don't get excited by their own wives, but by different women. They look outside (and sometimes by paying for it) what they could find at home and in much better quality. I guess if it's a kind of illness.
 
I think that if you wanted to save your marriage, you should go directly to him and look for a marriage therapy. I think he should have any problem.
 
Maybe, at beginning, he was shy to ask you for "specific" things and he started looking for it outside, and now he just cannot stop. I don't want to excuse him, because he is not a boy with a chocolate and he should control his body and his needs, but i am just trying to look for an answer.
 
I think the only way out of this situation, before you fall in something you obviously don't want to fall, is to go for therapy as soon as possible.
 
The answer may be to go ahead with a healthy marriage, or to finish everything and stop the nightmare. But believe me, even if he was a good, the kind of relation between the parents will affect sooner or later to the children. I saw it thousand times, marriages that keep together just for the children, and they finish hatting each other. It's the worst.
 
Try to fix it for last time, and try your best. Try to make a research on where is his problem, because i am sure there is a problem if he was doing from the beginning of your marriage.
 
Dear, big hugs and focus in your children in these moments, because they are the best of God's gifts.
 
Patricia 
No God wants the killing, but the peace.
The weapons are carried by people, not by religions.
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abuayisha
 
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 03 November 2010 at 7:12am
Please help me and advise me what I should do? 

If your husband has admitted having sexual relations with other women you should divorce him. 
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NuraB
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Quote NuraB Replybullet Posted: 03 November 2010 at 10:04am
Salam bc4smr

That must be very frustrating that your family agrees with his family that you both should stick with it, that he will eventually change.

Having physical needs is normal.  Allah gifted these feelings in us so we would be closer physically and emotionally to our husbands. You are doing the best thing controlling yourself. I commend you for being faithful and sticking true to your Islam.

You are wrong on two counts, though dear sister. You can be a divorcee and still be an honorable and respectable woman You can remarry and find a good husband. Islam permits you to divorce if he cheated. Culture and religion are two different entities. You are first Muslim then your nationality/ethnicity.

Finally, I have some advice.  Because he cheated he could infect you with some disease. Get yourself tested.  Perhaps this is why he won't be intimate. Maybe he is embarrassed to admit he caught a disease from cheating.


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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 09 November 2010 at 12:16pm
Asalaam Alaikum

My Duas for you.

Sister you deserve better.. How sad your family does not 100% support you. Saying he'll stop... like its "ok" for him to behave this way.

You need to take care of YOU. Sister you are only 30... women marry well into later years, especially in this day and age. That is culture speaking to you. NOT reality.

You have a right to have a faithful husband. And really, if he does not fulfill your physical needs you, Islamically, have a right to divorce. If you are a doormat, your husband may treat you as one. He has all the power in the marriage. We are giving our rights in Islam. And we are given the power to speak up for ourselves.


When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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