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Family Matter
 IslamiCity Forum - Islamic Discussion Forum : Culture & Community : Family Matter
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marie-london
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Quote marie-london Replybullet Topic: alochol
    Posted: 07 July 2010 at 6:51am
hi i wrote on the forum a while back about my husband wanting a muslim household after so many years of a western marriage some of you may remember.   while still stuck in limbo, things have got a little better and when my husband is back from saudi things have been really lovely, we love each other so much.   things however are coming again to a close cause we financially cant keep this going between the countries, my husbands says for him to come back and live a full life with us in the uk, the minimum requirement would be no alochol in the house, and no alochol if i was to go out for dinner with him, he says he is not taking my choice of freedom away and i am allowed to drink outside from him, is this a requirement for him from islam or is this his preference, coz he doesnt mind me going to a bar, but i much prefer to stay home and watch a nice movie with a glass of wine, will there be more things to follow he will not comitt and says we may come accross small other issues any advice on what maybe a very trival matter, but for me amongst friends and family it will socially isolacte us.
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 07 July 2010 at 9:37am
Asalaam Alaikum,

From my understanding we Muslims should avoid alcohol, not only ourselves but also appearing to "condone" drinking by sitting at the same table. I know  at times it is hard to avoid in certain circumstances but we are expected to do our best. I could understand his discomfort if YOU drank at home or drank in front of him. This is not a random person or acquaintance.


What may come up in the future: some things you can talk with him.
-Eating where there is pork or alcohol- non halal. Part of the hard part eating out is trying to avoid those ingredients. It can be very hard to eat out
-Social mixing: what type of people will he be with?  I know there are people I really don't spend time with because of their lifestyles or behavior.
-Are there people he will not want you to socialize with?

Just some questions for you both.

Keep us posted Marie...
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When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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marie-london
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Quote marie-london Replybullet Posted: 13 July 2010 at 9:12am
thanks for you reply... we dont eat pork and i am also careful looking at indegients when out .... i feel he is slowly stripping me of my freedom of choice and i feel i love him much more than he does me and he is emotionally blackmailing me and will not allow me to learn about lslam, a friend who came over to visit us recently said to me if i was muslim i would make a far better one than my husband and he is causing me to be put off my islam with all the rules ... however, i have in the last few days find out that he has joined a dating web site called arab, stating he has neve been married and is looking for a young muslim wife to start a new family (i thought he would need to tell me that he wanted to do this and give me a opportunity to divorce, i feel so sick and i just want to end all this pain,
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martha
 
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Quote martha Replybullet Posted: 13 July 2010 at 10:07am
Sister,

You seriously need to discuss this web dating site with him. Deceit can destroy a marriage if left like this. My gut feeling would be to suggest you both speak to the Imam, and see what he(husband) says about that.

But tread carefully and don;t just confront him with both these issues as he will probably be offended by your bluntness.

NOt easy, but can be solved with love and patience on both sides.

some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set
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UmmFatima
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Quote UmmFatima Replybullet Posted: 13 July 2010 at 11:37am
Marie, I understand your circumstances are hard. I've been around my own share of Muslims who practice half the faith and leave things like honesty and decency aside in favor of not eating pork... that of course doesn't look good for the rest of us who try to apply Islam as a whole and be kind to everyone and respectful like our dear Prophet (s) was.

I can't give any advice, really, because I don't know you or him and I don't want to give you the wrong advice. But try, when you're making your decision, try to consider that one of the names of God is Truth, so honesty is very close to God.

Many people practice Islam, especially in the beginning, without all the rules. Then as faith increases you follow the rules naturally. I think forcing people to do things just leads to bitterness. Things like food, dress, prayers, Quran, manners are all important but are best done with a desire to make yourself pure to come closer to God in this world and the next.

Like I said, I don't really have any advice. Many men are not trustworthy, and Muslim men are unfortunately not an exception.
Our Lord! Grant us comfort in our spouses and descendants, and make us leaders of the God-fearing. -Al-Furqan 74
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Pati
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Quote Pati Replybullet Posted: 13 July 2010 at 12:53pm
Originally posted by marie-london

thanks for you reply... we dont eat pork and i am also careful looking at indegients when out .... i feel he is slowly stripping me of my freedom of choice and i feel i love him much more than he does me and he is emotionally blackmailing me and will not allow me to learn about lslam, a friend who came over to visit us recently said to me if i was muslim i would make a far better one than my husband and he is causing me to be put off my islam with all the rules ... however, i have in the last few days find out that he has joined a dating web site called arab, stating he has neve been married and is looking for a young muslim wife to start a new family (i thought he would need to tell me that he wanted to do this and give me a opportunity to divorce, i feel so sick and i just want to end all this pain,
Dear, I am so sorry...
 
That shows you that the issue here is not only the alcohol you drink sometimes, or that you are not muslim.
 
Regarding the alcohol, you can live without it, I am sure. I did it during the time I was with my ex-boyfriend, and it was nothing for me to avoid alcohol. Actually, I was not doing often before, and I almost don't do until now. Only for special celebrations, and maximum 2 cups of wine, but I NEVER drank in front of a Muslim, because they can take it as a fault of respect.
 
That's something possible to accept for you, jus try. Myself, I changed the cups of wine for cups of grape juice, what is the same but without alcohol. And we both were drinking the same, what was making it more special.
 
But anyhow, it's sure that you have to face him. You know, mine did the same. It's the first time I talk about it, but I saw a mail from a Muslim dating webpage... and after few months he left. I didn't face him at that time, because I thought it was before meeting me, or it was just a game... love makes us so blind!
 
Big hugs
Patricia
No God wants the killing, but the peace.
The weapons are carried by people, not by religions.
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marie-london
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Quote marie-london Replybullet Posted: 13 July 2010 at 1:28pm
thanks pati for you for being so open with me, i think for me, i never thought he was this kind of person and always said if he wanted some else he would tell me... i feel that my whole life with him has been a lie and how many others times has he been deceitful, but i believe god is my witness and i have done everything to love him without loosing myself ... i now fear our difference are too far apart i am nothing like the person he really wants to be with and i have lost all trust in him,  i dont think he is a good muslim man cause i dont believe he is allowed to say and do all this deceitful things to me and the children and cause of the lack of knowledge from me he makes the rules of islam for his-self, i will pray to be strong and for him to be at peace for hiself, manythanks.  DOES ANYONE KNOW IF THERE IS IMAN ON THIS WEB SITE WHO WILL APPRECIATE THE WESTERN WOMEN VIEWS, BEFORE I MAKE MY FINAL DECISION.
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 13 July 2010 at 8:30pm
Hi Marie,

I have no idea about an Iman...

I think you are facing when someone moved deeper in one direction they are leaving another.. that "other" is you. And he is searching for the "ideal" that rarely works.

Honestly, if he is to stay married to you he will need to give you space. You are not Muslim nor did you sign up to live the life of one.

My prayers for you.
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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