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Family Matter
 IslamiCity Forum - Islamic Discussion Forum : Culture & Community : Family Matter
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ummtalha
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Quote ummtalha Replybullet Topic: please help me
    Posted: 04 July 2010 at 12:20pm
Cryslmz to all sisters,this is a first for me,pls i would only like advice from a strict islamic perspective.i dont know what to do anymore.im a 32 yr old woman married for 11 yrs with 4 beautiful children.i had a very happy and stable islamic upbringing.not once did i ever hear my parents arguing or fighting,i would have loved to bring my children up like that,but unfortunately for me i am not as strong as my mother,nor do i have reserves of patience.my children have grown up with endless fighting,bickering,argueing and Allah forbid even shouting ,screaming and (hysteria and madness from me)(im sure my husband would love to use that as evidence against me)i try so hard to avoid and prevent this but i cant help it sometimes,in the beginning he used to insult me and my family alot,my parents,my sisters,my brothers,my cooking,my ways ,my habits etc etc.this off course used to result in huge fights and thats when i started to think people will think i belong in a mental institute.unfortunately for me my strict islamic upbringing which meant no mixing with boys and men other than mahrams ,no going out with friends,being totally pure was rewarded with a husband who i could never take as a friend.im sure many of u understand wat im saying.watch what u say or do or how u act,coz one day all of those things will b thrown back at u regardless where u are or who u r with.ive had to endure this shame infront of my mum-inlaw once also.i know i have never worked in my life ,not even selling from home or baking and selling,i know im lucky coz ive lived on my own from day one with no inlaws,i know im lucky coz my husband is not on drugs,does not drink,does not womenise and does not physically abuse me,i know im lucky coz my husband is a 4 monther tablighi who goes in Allahs path for 40 days a year and other than his saathies does not have friends who he goes out with and has fun with hence all his time is spent with us,the list is endless,but then why do i still feel so unucky?many people would say i must make shukr and sabr,but enough is enough,he doesnt insult my family anymore,that stopped years ago,but right till last month i was still called a control freak,an obsessive person,an abuser of my kids i was accused of making my kids slog and being lazy and offcourse tonight the issue is food,im so sick and tired of it,when i ask a question im ignored,when im talking to him im cut short .im not extravagant,my trusso was stolen 2 months after i got married and i was left with nothing and relied on clothes from my aunts,i did not trouble him in 11yrs to buy one dish,towel or linen and uptil 2 yrs ago i never even asked for abayas or clothes,that was when his uncle who he works for set an allowance for me and i have this monthly allowance to spend on if i need clothes or what ever i want.im sorry to babble on but i have no one to talk to,my whole family lives in another country and i do not want to upset them as i did last ramadaan when he said i must get out and tell my father to take me back.his mother and sisters are wonderful but i would never call them up as he does not have a father and this would upset his mother too much.we have had  the family talk to us in the past on a few occasions and last year my dads friend whos a moulana also tried,but it all  comes back to square one.im scared ive become a bitter raving mad women who sumtimes feels such hatred for the one shes supposed to obey,respect and love the most.how can i b a warm loving women in the nights wen in the days he makes me cry with his harsh intolerant attitude that hes the master and i was born to serve him and never get tired or fall sick or have aches and pains which i always feel and have............pls someone tell me am i ungrateful coz ive supposedly got a queens life,oh and not to 4get we have maids here,so yes even though i was brought up doing housework i dont really have to,so im made to feel even more guilty.......wslms from a desperate sister who has no one to talk to
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fais
 
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Quote fais Replybullet Posted: 07 July 2010 at 12:22am

Salam,

Dear sister,I pray that Allah helps you in this diffcult time,i have no idea how to suggest you what is to be done,this what i do when ever i have a disagreement with my wife.
 
rabbi auzubika min hamazatish shayateen wa auzubika rabbi ayyah duroon.
 
similarly make it point that you greet your husband with salam but make sure he should not feel you are taunting him this to drive away shaytaa.
 
Read ya maneo may the heart of your husband become soft my wife taught me this,join tableeg as like him for women i am masturaat jamat must be der.
 
I dont find any advice right now so just suggesting.may allah help u.
 
Regards
Brother
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 07 July 2010 at 9:48am
Asalaam ALaikum,

My duas for you.

You say he is a good, knowledgeable Muslim. And yet we all have areas to work on. Sometimes you can but the dinner but forget to be kind.

Also, why do you feel "unlucky" its because we often want more. Many people are like this. We want someone who give love and affection. Who is our friend. Its not wrong.

But you need to talk with him in a calm manner. One thing that helps in negotiation - we teach this in self-defense- which can be more then just physical self-defense
-don't threaten
-don't make them wrong
-don't disrespect
-don't command

When talking with him you both need to learn to listen to each other. You need to calm and strong. If you do fly off the handle it does cause a reaction- one you may not want.
Also, what do you do as a couple? Do you ever go out without the kids?
-Do you laugh together? find a little humor.

My duas for you...


When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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Angel
 
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Quote Angel Replybullet Posted: 08 July 2010 at 7:54am
Originally posted by ummtalha

my husband is not on drugs,does not drink,does not womenise and does not physically abuse me,i know im lucky coz my husband is a 4 monther tablighi who goes in Allahs path for 40 days a year and other than his saathies
 
 
 
What do you mean (maybe some else here may know can help) that your husband is a 4 monther tablighi?
And who/what is saathies?
~ Our feet are earthbound, but our hearts and our minds have wings ~
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fais
 
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Quote fais Replybullet Posted: 09 July 2010 at 10:16pm

salam angel,

4 months tabligi means a person who has gone for dawa for 4 month once in his life time,a dawa tour oraganised by tabligh jamat this a dawa organisation.

dawa means islamic preaching.

hope this helps

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