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Family Matter
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umesha
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Quote umesha Replybullet Topic: Genuine advice needed
    Posted: 03 May 2010 at 5:31pm
Aslam alikum everyone

I have been married for almost 3 years now, this was an arranged marriage, my husband is my first cousin also. I did not want this marriage because i used to love some other guy but my parents insisted to get me married to my now husband, so eventually i got married. Although i have tried my best to adjust myself in this marriage i just could not make myself love my husband.He's a nice person overall but i still cannot develop any feelings for him. I feel guilty and my health is getting worse with depression and other problems. We don't have any children and i think i should end this marriage so atleast my husband can marry someone who really loves him, i want him to be happy but i don't know what is the right thing to do. I don't want to hurt anyone but the pain of losing the person i loved most in my life still kills me inside and no matter what i do i don't find any happiness or charm in all the worldly life.

I need help but where should i seek it, i cant share my feelings with anyone in my family. Any good advice will be appreciated.Thanks

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Nausheen
 
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Quote Nausheen Replybullet Posted: 04 May 2010 at 1:04am
Bismillah,
Walaikum assalam wa rahamtullah dear Umesha,
Welcome to Islamicity Discussion Forums.
 
Does your husband love and care for you, as he should in a marriage?
If he is a gentle, caring man he will understand what you are going through. Perhaps you should discuss the whole matter with him. This is his marriage too, so he deserves to know where he stands in the estimation of his wife ...
He might help you - either to develop feelings for him, or may advise the seperation you want.
 
This is the best I can think of. 
 
Barak Allahu Feeki,
nausheen
 
 
Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa
Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena
wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.
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martha
 
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Quote martha Replybullet Posted: 04 May 2010 at 2:01am
Walaikum assalam sister,

Our sister Nausheen has given really good advice.
I would like to add that it can take some time, years perhaps, to grow fond of and love a spouse, especially as it was arranged. And although this is a big concern for you (you say you do not love your husband), there are many things to consider after this. What would happen to both you and him if you divorced? Is he settled in Australia for example, would he need to move and disrupt his life? DO you work? Can you support yourself? How would the family feel and react towards you?

What you need to do is trust your husband to talk to him about this. If he is a kind and understanding man then I am sure he will listen to you, as Nausheen has said.

As regards to the man you once loved. Has he moved on and married? If so then you have no option really than to try to learn to forget about this. I understand how difficult this might be for you, but do you really want to risk a good marriage for a past love?

Supposed you divorced your husband. Where does that leave you? You might decide to marry again and quickly, and the new husband might be far worse than the one you have now. As your parents chose this 1st cousin of yours then I am sure they knew him well enough to consider him a good man for you to marry.

All these things you need to consider, if you haven't already. The sooner you try to talk to your husband I think would be better for you ultimately. A mild depression can lead to a longer lasting clinical depression and it is possible you might make unwise decisions when mentally unwell.

BUt we are here to listen to you and advise you as best we can. A good number of us have come from a broken marriage and understand the issues you face at this time.

Take care.

some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 04 May 2010 at 6:56am
Asalaam Alaikum,

Welcome to the Forum.

The sisters have raised and given some valuable thoughts. (We have good people on this Forum Smile through the blessing of Allah)

I am glad that you care that your husband gets a good wife. Someone who can give what they can to the relationship.  Can you talk with him?

This is a quote that I just read... seems so true does it not?

"No one should ever ask themselves that: why am I unhappy? The question carries within it the virus that will destroy everything. If we ask that question, it means we want to find out what makes us happy. If what makes us happy is different from what we have now, then we must either change once and for all or stay as we are, feeling even more unhappy."
Paulo Coelho
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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abuayisha
 
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 04 May 2010 at 8:53am

I think that your resentment of your parents is contributing to your depression, feelings of loss, and inability to properly bond in your marriage.   Our faith teaches us that whatever good or harm will not touch us or pass over us without Allah’s decree; so fret not about the one you once loved.  I would suggest that you speak with your parents, which may help alleviate and release some bitterness you feel over your marriage.  Your parents have likely done their best for you, and as you say, your husband is a good man.  Tell them you love them for seeking what was best in their estimation; however you feel sad that you allowed them to marry you to someone not of your choice.  Yes, you must also take responsibility for going through with this marriage, because nobody can force you to marry against your will.  Your husband is a good man, so be patient with this marriage.  Do good deeds, give saddaqa and get close to your faith.  It is Allah who puts love into the hearts – pray that he chances your heart and places love for your husband in your heart.  I don’t suggest you speak with him, because it would take an extraordinary individual to accept that his wife didn’t want to marry him and loved another man.  Better to hash this with your parents – in a good way, and take personal responsibility for your own actions.  A healthy diet, exercise, studying your religion, wholesome community involvement, and personal pursuits will help with your depression - insha’Allah, but most importantly seek to come to terms with your anger.  Seems you have a lot to be thankful for, so give emphasis to what’s going well in your life.  Professional counseling may be a good option. 

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umesha
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Quote umesha Replybullet Posted: 04 May 2010 at 11:08am
Thankyou everyone for your so kind advice, i really appreciate it.
I told my husband before marriage that i do not want to get married to him because i like someone else but he did not want to take the blame and although i tried to convince my parents against this marriage they emnotionally pressurized me and i agreed for the marriage. Anyhow, after getting married i tried my best to make a good relationship with my husband but he obviously knew about my past so he kept bringing that up on my slightest mistake so eventually i compromised and stopped opening my heart to him. Till now i can hardly communicate with him because he is good but only when i do things as he wants, as soon as i try to express my feelings about anything he gets upset.

As martha asked about the man i loved before so he has not married or moved on either, he is all alone since i left him. We had a wonderful relationship for 5 years, we were best friends before we fell in love.

I feel guilty because i feel i am so drained emotionally now that i have lost interest in everything and even my parents and family are worried for me because now they understand my problems too. No matter how hard i try the guilt of seeing everyone unhappy and worried for me and not able to be the perfect wife (emotionally) makes me more uncomfortable.

I offer namaz daily ALlhamdullilah and find peace only in that and also pray ALLah to give me peace of mind.
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Nausheen
 
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Quote Nausheen Replybullet Posted: 06 May 2010 at 12:46am
Bismillah,
Dear Umesha,
Your parents cannot be happy unless you are happy - no matter what good prospects they saw for you in the present marriage, if you are unable to find happiness, this will grieve your parents.
 
My second suggestion would be to pray salat al-istakhara and wait if you get a clear indication.
Whatever course you take must be based on its indication. If there is no clear indication, then whatever circumstances unfold for you, Allah will take care of everything.
 
You've told your husband about your pre-marital affair but have you spoken to him about divorce?
 
 If your husband is having a problem getting over your affair, it won't be easy for your to gorget your past. Talk to him and let him know you either want to have a healthy marriage with him, or a respectable seperation.
 
We only have one life - should not waste because our parents made mistakes in it! But first do istekhara
 
Barak Allahu feeki
nausheen
Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa
Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena
wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.
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umesha
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Quote umesha Replybullet Posted: 07 May 2010 at 5:10pm
Thankyou Nausheen
I will defintely do istikhara and seek guidance from ALLAH, may HE show me the best path.
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