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Family Matter
 IslamiCity Forum - Islamic Discussion Forum : Culture & Community : Family Matter
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 28 March 2010 at 4:20pm
Pati: do you think its wrong for the husband to ask? Why not? Its like if you change you can ask others to adjust and its their decision to accept or refuse.  And really better the husband to ask and to try and see if it will work then to just give up.Smile 
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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marie-london
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Quote marie-london Replybullet Posted: 29 March 2010 at 6:05am
YEAH I THINK THAT FINE ASK THE QUESTION, BUT I SUPPOSE THE RESPONSE COMES DOWN TO RESPECTING THAT PERSON AS WELL, AND YES MY HUSBAND HAS ASKED AND I HAVE SAID ALL VERY GOOD REASONS FOR US NOT TO BECOME MUSLIM BUT HAVE ALSO SUGGESTED COMPRIMISES... BUT WITH MY HUSBAND ITS ALL OR NOTHING ... WE HAVE NOW APARTED BUT THINGS ARE GETTING VERY NASTY ... HE HAS SAID HE WANTS TO COME BACK TO SPEAK WITH HIS CHILDREN ... TO EXPLAIN TO THEM WHY HE CANT LOVE THEM AND THEY CANT HAVE HIS NAME IF THEY ARE NOT MUSLIM .... I AFFRAID FOR US, AND THEY ARE EMOTIONALLY UPSET ENOUGHT WITHOUT THEIR FATER CONFUSING THEM AND EMOTIONALLY BLACK MAILING THEM, I HAVE MESSAGE HIM ON HIS GOOD SIDE TO ASK NOT TO DO THIS AND RE - LOOK AT HIS WAY FORWARD WITH THEM... I AFRAID IT DOES MAKE THE MUSLIM RELIGION LOOK GOOD.  I AM SCARED OF HIS STATE OF MIND 
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Pati
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Quote Pati Replybullet Posted: 29 March 2010 at 12:12pm
Hi Marie,
 
First of all, you have to relax yourself. I know it's easy to say, but not that much to do.
 
You have to face the new environment of your family: your husband is now Muslim, so you have to look for the advise you need there. If he is a real Muslim, he is NOT ALLOWED to abandon his family. Maybe he can ask for divorce, but if he is doing so, ask him to go to an Iman and talk about your situation.
 
But please, don't be afraid from the Islam, because there is nothing bad there, just a different (actually, not that much different) religion. And after what your husband told you, he is not a real Muslim.
 
He has his right to correct his way of living, and to ask you to do so, but he has no right to impose you and your children whatever he wants. His duty is with you, with his family, because he is the one who, long time back, chose you as his wife, a Christian wife, and chose to get children from you. You didn't do anything wrong, and if he is now, after I dont' know how many years, guilty because of that, it's his responsibility to correct the situation, but this is the life, and you are now, and will always be the mother of his children.
 
You have to be strong to face all this, but really, I would start looking for an Iman (I don't know if you know any Muslim who can assesorate you on that, because it's important to talk to a good one, cause some of them are totaly against mixed marriage and most probably will not support you expect in case you become Muslim), and explaining him the situation you and your children are facing. But do it with patience and with faith, because you are not alone dear, you have your children with you, and if their father wants to leave them, he will be the loser!! Don't forget it, you have the prize with you.
 
Big hugs and keep us updated, please! Whatever I can do, don't hesitate to ask me Wink
Patricia
No God wants the killing, but the peace.
The weapons are carried by people, not by religions.
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Pati
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Quote Pati Replybullet Posted: 29 March 2010 at 12:28pm
Originally posted by Hayfa

Pati: do you think its wrong for the husband to ask? Why not? Its like if you change you can ask others to adjust and its their decision to accept or refuse.  And really better the husband to ask and to try and see if it will work then to just give up.Smile 
Hi Hayfa,
 
I make the difference between asking for something, and a simple blackmail, and what her husband is doing is not "to ask" for something.
 
Sure it's his right to ask his wife to be a Muslim, but he has no right to tell her "you become Muslim, or I will leave you and your children". That's the worst thing ever!!
 
And for me, the key of the story is that after the first problem in their relation, he already started looking for another wife, a Muslim wife... come on!!! He is a cheater, and I know what I am talking about because I know thousand stories in the same line of Marie's story.
 
Really, sometimes I would like to star a war against the relations between Christian women and Muslim men. They get whatever they want from us, with nice words, with lot of details and getting all our confidence, and sooner or later they distroy our lives in one way or another. I start being tired of this thousand of situations where a Muslim who has never been a good Muslim, suddenly discovers that he is a Muslim and wants ... well, I don't know what they want, but they forget that they already made their life with a woman who gave them everything. So many lives distroyed, so many women alone with children because their husband or boyfriends suddenly remembered that he was Muslim. And it seems it's free.
 
I cannot understand their behaviour, sorry. It's so difficult for me to understand how is it possible that a man who was supposed to love you, the father of your children, suddenly "feels" that if you don't "change your God", he will stop loving you and your children... really, maybe there is someone here who can explain it to me, myself I cannot. And I am another victim, Hayfa. I was cool during the time my ex was in Spain. We were living together, everything was perfect. He was Muslim and I did the impossible to help him to improve as Muslim. But from beginning, since he met me, he knew I was Christian, and he was the one looking for me, the one who made me fall in love with him. But see, after 3 years, after knowing all my family and all that, suddenly he remembered he was from an Arabic country where there are Muslim women, and he came back home to marry one of them. But I should not be worried, because he "loves me" more and more everyday... Well, better to sut up, because I am talking too much. But I hope the point is clear here.
 
We are victims, Hayfa. But at least, I didn't get children.
 
Regards
Patricia
No God wants the killing, but the peace.
The weapons are carried by people, not by religions.
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marie-london
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Quote marie-london Replybullet Posted: 29 March 2010 at 2:12pm

thanks everyone for your comments on this subject, i feel very supported in this difficult time.  I do agree with you pati i need to calm down a little but is difficult when each day brings something different.  I am starting to think along the lines of your last message and after 13 years together i will never be able to complete my husband, cause it has really been a struggle in our marriage, and i dont even feel its the religion that the biggest problem its the culture differences and possibly his regret that he should of married someone from his own culture (but 13 years is a good run) and i am tired of fighting against the odds, i think these impossible demands from him is to force my hand to divorce him. i have not asked him to give his religon up for us and i am only too happy to support him. i also feel saudi arbia has played a huge role in this, the life style and the influence of the expectation of a wife of a muslim man.

thanks again .... starting to feel more positive in my way forward.

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Ron Webb
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Quote Ron Webb Replybullet Posted: 29 March 2010 at 7:41pm
I haven't read this whole discussion and don't have time tonight, but one comment really leaped off the page for me, and I feel like I have to speak up:
Originally posted by Chrysalis

How about you give it a try ? Living in Saudi ? for a while ? (suggesting this because you seem to love your husband, and have been married 13yrs, kind of hard to throw all that away).

Its going to be a huge cultural change, but people move all the time. Many a times because of career etc. Who knows, you might like it ! If after a month (or a week !) you still feel its not the life for you - you could go back.
 
Really?  Are you sure she could go back?  I hear stories all the time about women being taken by their husbands to live in Saudi Arabia and discovering that they are virtually held prisoner there.
 
I don't want to debate this because I don't know enough about it and haven't time anyway.  But I urge you to be very cautious about going to Saudi Arabia and just assuming that you can leave the country any time you want, without your husband's consent.
Addeenul ‘Aql – Religion is intellect.
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 30 March 2010 at 10:05am
Pati,

I think they were already separated to a degree.. so if he says I need a "Muslim" wife or live as a Muslim. She can either comply or not. The kids are with her. She can say, either you live as a "westerner" or you don't get the kids. Either way it can be "blackmail" or basically a cultural disagreement. Smile

Marie: you are right. he probably changes, whereas it was a challenge before, it may be impossible for the marriage to work. It IS sad, but could be alot worse.

Ron: I agree. Not only for Saudi Arabia for any foreigner in another country, your rights are limited. The biggest kidnapping of kids is by one parent or another and they go to another country and often its impossible to get them out.


When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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Quote fais Replybullet Posted: 12 July 2010 at 7:25am

Salam,

may allah show the right way to all of us.

I am from saudi and the information which ron gave that woman has little right is not true,speacially a british women is immpossible for someone to harm them as the british embassy is very strong to protect their citzen.

If u really love him than support him,Isalm is the fastest growing relegion try to learn,unless a woman does not surrender she cannot win a mans heart,give it a try,if u give up than it shows that you luv ur life style more than your husband,and remember nothing in this world can give u happiness except the luv of husband and above the love of ur almighty.

try findout which is the true relegion,believe me u will feel that islam is really a way of life and all other way is an illusion.
 
he is facing a big guilt in his heart as his wife is not a muslim and above this his children,allah will never forgive him if his children turn to another relgion because she chose a nonmuslim mother for them.
 
its hard to preach on this site what islam is,martah,haifa connect to the great ladies who chose islam the way of their life,there are many,go forum new muslims.ur husband loves u and ur kids thats he is back.this not a sign of taking divorce,he is free to marry second but he is trying to convince u only.
 
u  might feel i m forcing u to be a muslim but that is not true finally its ur heart which will decide,
i pity your husband state of mind,he must be in a great pressure,support him in this difficult time.
 
 
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