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Family Matter
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marie-london
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Quote marie-london Replybullet Posted: 24 March 2010 at 1:56am
thanks hayfa, for your support, i just wish we could stay as we are, and hope what we are doing is enough, but i fear it is not for my husband and his duties, apart of me wants to walk away cause i love him  so very much, but the part wants him to accept us as we are and keep to his comittment to us, but  i know it would  be a huge strain on his contentment of his self and not sure if islam will allow this or he would allow this.  i will wait and pray now and our lives are in gods hands and i will  accept my way forward.  thank you,
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Quote Chrysalis Replybullet Posted: 24 March 2010 at 6:18am
Originally posted by marie-london

thanks hayfa, for your support, i just wish we could stay as we are, and hope what we are doing is enough, but i fear it is not for my husband and his duties, apart of me wants to walk away cause i love him  so very much, but the part wants him to accept us as we are and keep to his comittment to us, but  i know it would  be a huge strain on his contentment of his self and not sure if islam will allow this or he would allow this.  i will wait and pray now and our lives are in gods hands and i will  accept my way forward.  thank you,


Hello Marie.

How about you give it a try ? Living in Saudi ? for a while ? (suggesting this because you seem to love your husband, and have been married 13yrs, kind of hard to throw all that away).

Its going to be a huge cultural change, but people move all the time. Many a times because of career etc. Who knows, you might like it ! If after a month (or a week !) you still feel its not the life for you - you could go back. Don't think you have to move and are permanently leaving your home, treat it like a long vacation !The lifestyle is pretty laidback there. There are many a good schools there with western education (and the kids there are pretty westernized too) so your kids may not neccessarily feel like fishes out of water. You could always (hopefully) go back home during vacations. The major change you'll feel will be public life. . . its not easy moving about as a female. . . and Hijab is compulsory. (which would prolly be tough for you)

Do think over it before rejecting the idea completely! Hope everything works out . . .


"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 24 March 2010 at 7:01am
Chrysalis, that is good,

And one thing I can say from having lived in Pakistan, hibab is WAY harder in the US then in Pakistan. You blend and fit in... this was even before I became a Muslim.

And in Muslim countries its about public vs. private. People cannot do things in public that are acceptable here. But peoples' private lives are often that-private.
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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marie-london
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Quote marie-london Replybullet Posted: 24 March 2010 at 7:47am
hi chrysalis, thanks for your response while this is very good advice i have considered it and put myself in this picture, i dont feel this would work, i cover when i go to egypt and dont have a problem but to feel the restriction on me as a human being after growing up in london and the strong western beliefs it would not work, i dont feel my husband and i are srong enough as a couple, i am also from a large family and need people i love in my life, along with my own family, we lived in cyprus for 4 years but i felt isolcate on a number of occasions.. i have moved around so much in my life i think i have lived in over 20 properties in my life and i need now need  stability and secure and i dont know if i trust my husband anymore, i have seen a picture with him with someone else - who is says was when we split up 15 months ago - but my mind is playing tricks on me and i starting to think all this time he has married again and the two lives he lives i will never know.  i have to consider my 10 year old boy and 11 years old daugther (who said she is fed up of everything and her dad is never here anyway, so if we part it would be no different). His mind is like the english weather and i dont think he really knows what he wants, i am starting to think that he knows the living between the two countries is not working personally and finacially and it is his way of justifying his actions to end it.. i really dont want to throw all this way i love him he is my left hand side, but i dont want to feel this unhappy anymore
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Quote Chrysalis Replybullet Posted: 24 March 2010 at 8:20am
Originally posted by Hayfa



And one thing I can say from having lived in Pakistan, hibab is WAY harder in the US then in Pakistan. You blend and fit in... this was even before I became a Muslim.  And in Muslim countries its about public vs. private. People cannot do things in public that are acceptable here. But peoples' private lives are often that-private.


I agree ! It is far easier to conform and blend in then stand out. (standing out is not always good)

Btw, in Saudi, in some cities like Riyadh (with lot of ex-pats) there are gated communities, in which you basically live 'in your own world'. A lot of foreigners choose to live there because they don't have to follow the strict public rules and can dress lax, because it is considered a private community. Thats what I heard from my friends.

Plus focus on  the positive aspects! i.e. having a Maid, Chauffeur, large house etc. Lol ! Wink

PS: [Adding after seeing your post which appeared later] well, if he seems untrustworthy to you then it would probably not be a good idea to displace yourselves. . . Goodluck anyway!




Edited by Chrysalis - 24 March 2010 at 8:45am
"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 26 March 2010 at 5:57pm
I agree Marie, living overseas is tough... even for the most hardy.. and especially if you are not 20.. harder to adjust and harder to make friends..

I certainly have less travel desire then 10 years ago.
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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Quote Pati Replybullet Posted: 27 March 2010 at 5:49pm
Hi Marie,

I am really sorry for your situation, but I will ask you to cool down first of all, and think seriously about the situation.

When he married you, he knew that you were not a Muslim but a Christian (ok, not practising but believer), and he is the one who changed. He never showed you that he wanted your children to be Muslim, but after 10 years!!! And the worst thing (at least for me), after the first discussion, he starts looking for another wife!!! Do you think that he is giving you and your children enough value? I mean, I don't think he deserves you. You gave him everything, the most precious gift, the children... and without taking care, he left you all.

He has all the right and duties to be a good Muslim, of course, and it's better late than never, but he has no right at all to ask you to be, or to obligate your children after so long. If they wanted to be, it's their right, but not this way, it's not fair.

All the doubts you have are serious, Marie, very serious. Myself, I would talk about it with your children, and ask them if they would like to go to Saudi Arabia with their father, and if they want to change your way of life. But first of all, ask yourself what do you really believe. If you think you can be a good Muslim, that's wonderful because all your problems would be finished, but you have to ask yourself. It's not easy at all, and it would be a big change, not bad sure, but a change after all.

I would make a family meeting and ask for the children opinion, they have the right to share their thoughts, I think. And I hope you will find the better solution for the family.

All the best
Patricia
No God wants the killing, but the peace.
The weapons are carried by people, not by religions.
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marie-london
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Quote marie-london Replybullet Posted: 28 March 2010 at 11:40am
thanks patricia, your advice is good and i am starting to feel angry now, coz i have tried all ways to keep us togehter against the odds, and yes i really feel under valued and not loved un-conditionally, my husband has changed and instead of being honest with his self and me, i feel and children and i are being used as a escape goat... i have asked my children and their is just too much water under the bridge, my 11 daughter word was its ok we dont see that much daddy any way so it wont be no different, this says it all, i will give up now, even though i am old fashion and when you marry you marry for better for worse.  thank you vey much for your kind word
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