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Family Matter
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Full of Hopes
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Quote Full of Hopes Replybullet Topic: My parents, may Allah be pleased on them
    Posted: 01 December 2009 at 7:31pm

  Asslamu Alaiukm

 I hesitated a lot before posting this, cause I am afraid of those nonsense or rubbish replies. Still I am sure, many good people here can help in this and will say what really helps.

  I do love my parents and  want to obey them as Allah ordered us.. The problem is that, they want me to live as a copy of them. They want to choose for me everything even my friends and the dishes I should have. They want to control me. Even worse, they get mad when I say NO or when I say :"I think this is right or wrong."

   I want to be so obedient and please them, but it causes me much pain in some cases. I know they do this cause they love me but I have to face my life myself and want them to get this message. I am mistaken in this?

   They do not listen cause they have some believes in their minds and  never want to change them. How to please Allah and my parents and at the same time have my own free life???

  Do you have any GOOD suggestions?? I hope you can help, cause I see ,many here are wise enough to help me. May Allah bless you.





Edited by Full of Hopes - 03 December 2009 at 6:40pm
And whoever seeks a religion other than Islâm, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)
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abuayisha
 
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 01 December 2009 at 9:20pm

“They want to choose for me everything even my friends….” 

In the Saheehayn (i.e. Bukhaaree and Muslim) from the Hadeeth of Aboo Moosaa, (radiyallaahu ‘anhu) that he said: The Messenger of Allaah, (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said, 

“The example of the righteous companion and the evil companion is like the person that sells musk and the blacksmith. The person that sells musk will either give you some or you may buy some from im. The blacksmith will either burn your clothes or you will find a repugnant odor from him”. 

In addition, the Prophet, (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) has said,

“A man is on the Deen (religion) of his friend, so beware as to whom you take as a friend.” 

And the poet said,“Do not ask about the person but ask about his companionship, For every person exemplifies his companion.”   

“…….and the dishes I should have”

 

A few examples would be helpful with respect to “dishes I should have.”

 

“They want to control me.”  Perhaps they want what’s best for you.  Parents are generally excellent in gauging their children’s level of maturity – decision making abilities, and “control” accordingly.

 

“Even worse, they get mad when I say NO or when I say :["I think this is right or wrong."]”

 

Once again, a few examples would be nice.

 

And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command), "Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal. (31:14)

Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour. And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say:  My Lord! Bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood. (17:23)

“I have to face my life myself and want them to get this message. I am mistaken in this?

   They do not listen cause they have some believes in their minds and  never want to change them. How to please Allah and my parents and at the same time have my own free life???”

 

With freedom there comes a whole host of responsibilities, therefore do your best to abide by their rules and raise your issues and complaints at times other than when you are being admonished.  Bring your issue at time when your parents are in a good mood and yourself as well.



Edited by abuayisha - 01 December 2009 at 9:21pm
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Quote Angel Replybullet Posted: 01 December 2009 at 10:49pm
Hi there, I can give a general perspective not so much islamic. You may have thought of it Smile
 
maybe you can pose to them that what they are doing is good but living your life is good to and helps you build survival skils, what if they were there or have an accident, how would you cope and live. There's nothing wrong with them (our parents) to help give us guidence and that and do things for us at times. But at some point we got to use our heads to, our parents are not going to always be there, even if they are they might get ill, have alzemias/dementia and then you (or we) will have to face alone.
Maybe they can step back and see how you are doing, if they see you coping well adn are strong then that should give them peace of mind if something awlful happens to them.  
Be prepared while not advocating that such thing/s will happen. Smile
 
~ Our feet are earthbound, but our hearts and our minds have wings ~
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Quote Full of Hopes Replybullet Posted: 02 December 2009 at 7:53am
Originally posted by abuayisha

“They want to choose for me everything even my friends….” 

In the Saheehayn (i.e. Bukhaaree and Muslim) from the Hadeeth of Aboo Moosaa, (radiyallaahu ‘anhu) that he said: The Messenger of Allaah, (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said, 

“The example of the righteous companion and the evil companion is like the person that sells musk and the blacksmith. The person that sells musk will either give you some or you may buy some from im. The blacksmith will either burn your clothes or you will find a repugnant odor from him”. 

In addition, the Prophet, (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) has said,

“A man is on the Deen (religion) of his friend, so beware as to whom you take as a friend.” 

And the poet said,“Do not ask about the person but ask about his companionship, For every person exemplifies his companion.”  


  May Allah bless you brother, I like these hadithes but I believe I am adult enough to choose the good friends myself. I do not have any bad friends, alhamdilillah, at least I am trying not to have them.

“…….and the dishes I should have”

 

  Yeah, they say some dishes are forbidden cause they think they are not healthy, but I am not a teenager nor ignorant. I can choose the good food for me. For example french fires. They say it is full of oil and they get mad when I bring it.

“They want to control me.”  Perhaps they want what’s best for you.  Parents are generally excellent in gauging their children’s level of maturity – decision making abilities, and “control” accordingly.


 I know they want the best for me. I never doubt about this. But I want them to teach me the best and then let me choose for myself not them. I will never blame them for my choice.


“Even worse, they get mad when I say NO or when I say :["I think this is right or wrong."]”

 And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command), "Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal. (31:14)

Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour. And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say:  My Lord! Bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood. (17:23)


 I know that Allah insists a lot on being kind to your parents that He joined them with worship no god but HIM. Believe me, I am so kind to them, I am trying and may Allah forgive me for my sins. I am posting her because I want to please them. I just want them to give me the chance to choose my life the way I want and watch me  from a distance. I can not say this directly cause it will hurt them so bad and they will misunderstand me.Confused


“I have to face my life myself and want them to get this message. I am mistaken in this?

   They do not listen cause they have some believes in their minds and  never want to change them. How to please Allah and my parents and at the same time have my own free life???”

 

With freedom there comes a whole host of responsibilities, therefore do your best to abide by their rules and raise your issues and complaints at times other than when you are being admonished.  Bring your issue at time when your parents are in a good mood and yourself as well.


 I know they are so nice, may Allah bless them and reward them for what they are doing with me. I pray for them. But it is hard when they are too careful, in the way that they never think I can take the responsibility of my own life. 


  Really, may Allah bless you and raise your rank for your help and this time to gave to help me, brother Abu Ayisha.Smile



  And that hadithes about friends really made me ponder for sometime. Maybe I should give more attention to kind of friends I have. But I have never seen my friends doing bad things.


  







Edited by Full of Hopes - 03 December 2009 at 5:01pm
And whoever seeks a religion other than Islâm, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)
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Quote Full of Hopes Replybullet Posted: 02 December 2009 at 8:01am
Originally posted by Angel

Hi there, I can give a general perspective not so much islamic. You may have thought of it Smile
 
maybe you can pose to them that what they are doing is good but living your life is good to and helps you build survival skils, what if they were there or have an accident, how would you cope and live. There's nothing wrong with them (our parents) to help give us guidence and that and do things for us at times. But at some point we got to use our heads to, our parents are not going to always be there, even if they are they might get ill, have alzemias/dementia and then you (or we) will have to face alone.
Maybe they can step back and see how you are doing, if they see you coping well adn are strong then that should give them peace of mind if something awlful happens to them.  
Be prepared while not advocating that such thing/s will happen. Smile
 



 Asslam Alaikum,

 Yeah, that is what they need to know. I can not agree with you more. They are not staying for me for ever. They think it is good to spoil me and choose the whole thing in my life. But it will be a disaster when they leave me alone in this life.

 So what is the way to tell them this without hurting their feelings. I thank Allah a lot for having so caring parents that many wish to have. But I look forward to having my own choice and freedom. Just when I tried to hint, they did not accept that.Confused

 May Allah help us to please Him and then our parents.


And whoever seeks a religion other than Islâm, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 02 December 2009 at 9:41am

Yeah, they say some dishes are forbidden cause they think they are not healthy, but I am not a teenager nor ignorant. I can choose the good food for me. For example french fires. They say it is full of oil and they get mad when I bring it.

Wow, everything that tastes good is high in fat or sugar – so I certainly understand you grabbing French fries, but if they don’t like it– why bring them home? Some families have a medical history of high cholesterol, and perhaps they are concerned that you do not develop bad eating habits which may be difficult to break later in life.

I know they want the best for me. I never doubt about this. But I want them to teach me the best and then let me choose for myself not them. I will never blame them for my choice.

Yeah, I hear you, but it sounds like as long as you’re living with them - and even afterwards, they will insists upon directing you towards what their experience has shown or proven to be the best choice for you to adopt. Who can blame them for that?

I know that Allah insists a lot on being kind to your parents that He joined them with worship no god but HIM. Believe me, I am so kind to them, I am trying and may Allah forgive me for my sins. I am posting her because I want to please them. I just want them to give me the chance to choose my life the way I want and watch me  from a distance. I can not say this directly cause it will hurt them so bad and they will misunderstand me.

I really believe that even though it pains young people to have helicopter parents, those young adults who are allowed complete freedom later resent their family for not interceding more in their life. Allah has decreed you to have concerned parents, therefore use your gift of intelligence to work around the minor issues, which arise naturally in all families, and don’t make matters unnecessarily difficult.

My parents just do not like some nations and have some kind of racism and that is another story.

Allah guide them and forgive them; reward them for raising a righteous daughter.



Edited by abuayisha - 02 December 2009 at 9:50am
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Quote Full of Hopes Replybullet Posted: 02 December 2009 at 11:12am

 May Allah bless you brother Abu Aiysha, you are of those good people who focus on the blessings. I am so happy for having those parents but I jut say,, they should make me depend on myself and choose the way of life I want. Ok  with marriage issue, I said that they might know the best for me.. but for the jobs,, for the friends,, for the clothes,, for the programs I watch.. for many others things in my life.. they want to control my whole life. Just try to close your eyes and imgine your life in this way!!

 And I feel bad cause I sometimes reject this and even so bad that I might fight them and then I feel I am so bad and blame myself so hard.

   I love them and thank Allah for them but it is a big struggle... I want to please them and at the same time be myself.

  Thank you for those advices, they make me thank Allah more and see His blesings on me.

And whoever seeks a religion other than Islâm, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 02 December 2009 at 11:29am
Asalaam Alaikum,

It is vastly different here then there.. her in the US, most of us are raised to be independent to be able to take care and provide for ourselves.  My parents helped us with decisions but for the most part they were ours to make. Unless it was abhorrent- which they weren't -- we made them. And it helped to teach about myself to sometimes trip and fall and how to pick up and keep going.

I have seen adults in other cultures not be able to make any decision for themselves.. no trust in their own abilities or judgements.  Its like making friends.. sometimes you have to 'get burned' to know you CAN get burned. Its like you can make mistakes while you are 'safe.' Does that make sense.

If my parents had died when I was 16, 17 and 18 I would have been fully capable of surviving if need be. Alhumdillah I did not face this. Or if I had needed to care for them.. I had the abilities- to work, to deal with situations, to be able to THINK. That is a great blessing we were given.

In did not mean t hat we did not consult our parents or not listen to their advice.. but we can and are able to care for ourselves.

It is a very different cultural paradigm. I think it is why I have a hard time relating as that level of control is so different.

When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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