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UmmImyou
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Quote UmmImyou Replybullet Topic: Am I obliged to forgive and return to my husband??
    Posted: 15 November 2009 at 8:07am
Assalam alaykum.

I am a sister, married for many years to an abusive husband. I have children mashaAllah who are still young. The abuse I have suffered has been both physical (including the use of weapons such as metal sticks, frying pans, knives), and mental/emotional. It was an everyday occurrence for him to call me a whore, a liar, 'mal'ounah' (condemned woman), etc. He also regularly made du'a against me to our Creator.

Finally I have found the courage to leave him, and am now living in a women's shelter. Unfortunately, he managed to keep my children with him. I am working to acquire my own housing and gain custody of my children, both through Islamic and civil channels.

Since leaving, he claims to have changed, although I am very wary as I have heard all this talk before. He has made some improvements in that he is taking an interest in the children, and has returned to praying, etc.

He has begged forgiveness, and swears he has made complete tawbah to Allah SWT.

My problem is, after so many years of this behaviour, I do not want him, *even if he has changed*. I despise him, I cannot trust or respect him, and of course I feel no love or even affection for him. I wish he will change for Allah's sake and to be a good father, but not to be my husband any longer.

I have told him that I forgive him for Allah's sake, as I fear Allah SWT and do not wish to block his tawbah if it is sincere.

However, he seems to think this means I will return to him, and he cannot understand that I will not ever do so.
Now he is claiming that, if I forgive him, I am obliged to return.

I am sure in my heart this is not the case, but I cannot find anything to back me up in terms of daleel.

Can anyone advise me please?

Barak Allahu feekum!

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Quote semar Replybullet Posted: 16 November 2009 at 10:14pm
Assalamu Alaikum,
 
I am not a scholar. This is just my personal opinion:
- a muslim husband should be responible, care and love their family.
- abusive is not tolerable and not islamic.
- so an abusive husband is not an islamic husband (even if officially he is muslim but doesn't do islamic teaching, morally if we just see how his behave he is not "muslim"). (note: I don't against that only Allah that can judge somebody muslim or not)
- you shouldn't obey the abusive husband, because he doesn't have the quality of a leader for your household that has the right of your obedience.
 
So my conclusions are:
- Don't come back to him if you are not feel save and comfortable to live with him again.
- This is can be a lesson for him and other men make sure they are not abusive.
- Abusive persons don't have right to have family, because they are mentally ill, they can harm their family. Putting someone in harm way is not acceptable islamically.
- Abusive husband is ruin Islam and muslim's image that already in bad shape due to the terorist's acts.
 
The following article may useful:
 
 

Responding to the Killing of Aasiya Hassan: An Open Letter to the Leaders of American Muslim Communities

By Imam Mohamed Hagmagid Ali
Executive Director, ADAMS Center
Vice-President, The Islamic Society of North America
Source: www.isna.net

The Islamic Society of North America (ISNA) is saddened and shocked by the news of the loss of one of our respected sisters, Aasiya Hassan whose life was taken violently. To God we belong and to Him we return (Qur’an 2:156). We pray that she find peace in God’s infinite Mercy, and our prayers and sympathies are with sister Aasiya’s family. Our prayers are also with the Muslim community of Buffalo who have been devastated by the loss of their beloved sister and the shocking nature of this incident.

This is a wake up call to all of us, that violence against women is real and can not be ignored. It must be addressed collectively by every member of our community. Several times each day in America, a woman is abused or assaulted. Domestic violence is a behavior that knows no boundaries of religion, race, ethnicity, or social status. Domestic violence occurs in every community. The Muslim community is not exempt from this issue. We, the Muslim community, need to take a strong stand against domestic violence. Unfortunately, some of us ignore such problems in our community, wanting to think that it does not occur among Muslims or we downgrade its seriousness.

I call upon my fellow imams and community leaders to never second-guess a woman who comes to us indicating that she feels her life to be in danger. We should provide support and help to protect the victims of domestic violence by providing for them a safe place and inform them of their rights as well as refer them to social service providers in our areas.

Marriage is a relationship that should be based on love, mutual respect and kindness. No one who experiences a marriage that is built on these principles would pretend that their life is in danger. We must respond to all complaints or reports of abuse as genuine and we must take appropriate and immediate action to ensure the victim’s safety, as well as the safety of any children that may be involved.

Women who seek divorce from their spouses because of physical abuse should get full support from the community and should not be viewed as someone who has brought shame to herself or her family. The shame is on the person who committed the act of violence or abuse. Our community needs to take a strong stand against abusive spouses. We should not make it easy for people who are known to abuse to remarry if they have already victimized someone. We should support people who work against domestic violence in our community, whether they are educators, social service providers, community leaders, or other professionals.

Our community needs to take strong stand against abusive spouses and we should not make it easy for them to remarry if they chose a path of abusive behavior. We should support people who work against domestic violence in our community, whether they are educators or social service providers. As Allah says in the Qur’an: “O ye who believe! Stand firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do” (4:136).

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) never hit a women or child in his life. The purpose of marriage is to bring peace and tranquility between two people, not fear, intimidation, belittling, controlling, or demonizing. Allah the All-Mighty says in the Qur’an: “Among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are signs for those who reflect” (30:21),

We must make it a priority to teach our young men in the community what it means to be a good husband and what the role the husband has as a protector of his family. The husband is not one who terrorizes or does harm and jeopardizes the safety of his family. At the same time, we must teach our young women not to accept abuse in any way, and to come forward if abuse occurs in the marriage. They must feel that they are able to inform those who are in authority and feel comfortable confiding in the imams and social workers of our communities.

Community and family members should support a woman in her decision to leave a home where her life is threatened and provide shelter and safety for her. No imam, mosque leader or social worker should suggest that she return to such a relationship and to be patient if she feels the relationship is abusive. Rather they should help and empower her to stand up for her rights and to be able to make the decision of protecting herself against her abuser without feeling she has done something wrong, regardless of the status of the abuser in the community.

A man’s position in the community should not affect the imam’s decision to help a woman in need. Many disasters that take place in our community could have been prevented if those being abused were heard. Domestic violence is not a private matter. Any one who abuses their spouse should know that their business becomes the business of the community and it is our responsibility to do something about it. She needs to tell someone and seek advice and protection.

Community leaders should also be aware that those who isolate their spouses are more likely to also be physically abusive, as isolation is in its own way a form of abuse. Some of the abusers use the abuse itself to silence the women, by telling her “If you tell people I abused you, think how people will see you, a well-known person being abused. You should keep it private.”

Therefore, to our sisters, we say: your honor is to live a dignified life, not to put on the face that others want to see. The way that we measure the best people among us in the community is to see how they treat their families. It is not about how much money one makes, or how much involvement they have in the community, or the name they make for themselves. Prophet Muhammed (peace be upon him) said, “The best among you are those who are best to their families.”

It was a comfort for me to see a group of imams in our local community, as well as in the MANA conference signing a declaration promising to eradicate domestic violence in our community. Healthy marriages should be part of a curriculum within our youth programs, MSA conferences, and seminars as well as part of our adult programs in our masajid and in our khutbahs.

The Islamic Society of North America has done many training workshops for imams on combating domestic violence, as has the Islamic Social Service Associate and Peaceful Families Project. Organizations, such as FAITH Social Services in Herndon, Virginia, serve survivors of domestic violence. All of these organizations can serve as resources for those who seek to know more about the issues of domestic violence.

Faith Trust Institute, one of the largest interfaith organizations, with Peaceful Families Project, has produced a DVD in which many scholars come together to address this issue. I call on my fellow imams and social workers to use this DVD for training others on the issues of domestic violence. (For information, go to the website: http://www.faithtrustinstitute.org/). For more information, or to access resources and materials about domestic violence, please visit www.peacefulfamilies.org.

In conclusion, Allah says in the Qur’an “Behold, Luqman said to his son by way of instruction… O my son! Establish regular prayer, enjoin what is just, and forbid what is wrong; and bear with patient constancy whatever betide thee; for this is firmness (of purpose) in (the conduct of) affairs” (31:17). Let us pray that Allah will help us to stand for what is right and leave what is evil and to promote healthy marriages and peaceful family environments. Let us work together to prevent domestic violence and abuse and especially, violence against women.



Edited by semar - 17 November 2009 at 1:32pm
Salam/Peace,
Semar
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Akhe Abdullah
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Quote Akhe Abdullah Replybullet Posted: 16 November 2009 at 10:40pm
Salams,Welcome to the forum Im sorry to hear of your situation,I hope your children never witnessed any of it.May Allah heal your wounds and mend your heart.
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Pati
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Quote Pati Replybullet Posted: 16 November 2009 at 11:01pm
Dear UmmImyou,

I am not even Muslim, but learning and going for classes, and I have a question: can you define his past behaviour has a husband behaviour? A man should protect his wife, take care of her and the children, make her feel relaxed and protected, and it's not only that he didn't do that, it's also that he did the opposite by abusing of you.

Don't have any doubt that if you go on with your divorce, you will get it. Offer him the forgiveness, fight to get your children with you, but keep away from him.

Normally, I don't want to say that it's always, the husband doesn't change, it's only a tricky and after few months, everything turns back to the abuses. I saw it thousand times, and even sometimes, the end is the death (I am sorry, but as far as you said that he was sometimes using knives to abuse... really, when someone goes on that, I don't know what he may do).

I think that you have received a sign from the destiny to keep you away from him, and that is the end of every good feeling for him. You are sure that you don't want to be with him, so... where is your doubt? Fight for your children, and tell him that he will always be their father, but don't sacrifice yourself for longer time. You already did after so mane years with him.

I will tell you a true story: there was a couple, they were on seventies already, married after 50 years. The husband was everytime abusing his wife, and she was not only keeping the secret (that everyone knew because of the shouts and crying), but defending him in front of everyone.

They got 4 children, who left the house as soon as they started working (let us say they ran away from them). The children, all of them, were trying to take the mother out of the house, but she didn't do. How to leave her husband alone???? No way!!!

So the abuses went on, all kind of abuses.

After few years, one of their daughters got a baby, a girl, and talked to her mother seriously. It seems her mother understood, so she went to a lawyer and asked for divorce. He was so surprised!! She got everything from him, because she was not working and he was receiving good retirement, she stayed in the house, and she started living.

He was trying to come back for I don't know how many times, swearing that he had changed... but his wife is free, and he cannot make any new tricky. She is a new woman since that time. You know, even her external look seems to be other: before, she looked older than she was, and now, it's opposite, she looks younger. She is travelling around Europe, sometimes with all her family... and she says that she wasted most of her life.

So... after time, she received the sign. And it's never too late to stop the abuse, dear. It's always the right moment. Do you want your children to do that with their wives? Or your daughters to find that behaviour in their husbands? So... do you have any doubt?

Mabrook for your freedom, and all the best. Take breath and put a plan for your new life with your children Wink

Patricia
No God wants the killing, but the peace.
The weapons are carried by people, not by religions.
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Quote martha Replybullet Posted: 17 November 2009 at 2:00am
Walaikum asalaam sister,
Are you obliged to return to your husband? Quite simply..NO!

As muslim you can forgive him if you wish.
You have explained your situation very well in one post.
You are in a woman's refuge. That in itself shows that you have support from the authorities.

I expect you know this website?

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?itemid=1298&itemTitle=Support+for+survivors%3A+popular+questions+about+domestic+violence§ion=00010001002200410001§ionTitle=Articles%3A+domestic+violence#4

I would also imagine you have seen a counsellor from Victim Support. If not then do so. And that the abuse has been reported to the police?

Your husband could be seen as having anti-social personality disorder.

'This diagnosis is characterised by a lack of regard for the rights and feelings of other people, and a lack of remorse for actions that may hurt others. People with this diagnosis frequently ignore social norms about acceptable behaviour, and often may disregard rules and break the law.'

You could look into this type of behaviour and see if your husband fits into it.

Domestic Abuse is the following
1/ physical ( you have experienced this)
2/emotional/mental (        "               )
3/sexual
4/financial

Remorse from the adult is shortlived. Promises mean NOTHING as they are likely to return to the same type of behaviour.

Your husband could be feeling embarassed within the muslim community. THat is not a reason to take him back.
Does he have your best interests at heart then? Or is he thinking of himself?

Do NOT be fooled. Only you can tell if you want to return to the situation. But note, you have made a GOOD decision to leave, next time it would not be so easy.

He will make you feel guilty. He will make you say it is 'all your fault'. He will make you say you are suffering from a mental problem. Abusers say this, but evidence shows that depressed people are the abused and not the abusers.

Sister, I may be repeating what other professionals have already told you.

So consider everything.
1/ advice from the professionals- they know best
2/ look at the facts-he will not likely change
3/ a GOOD muslim husband does NOT treat his wife like this
4/ get support from your GP for depression as you are likely to feel low and responsible for his behaviour towards you( don't feel about about your low mood..it will get better)
5/ get the authorities to help you get your kids back
6/ YOU are not mad
7/ Go for mental health counselling- it will help you see more clearly
8/ rely on emotional support from YOUR family
9/ if the muslim community do not understand, do not assist you if your financially need it, tell you that it is your duty to obey your husband...then look to your heart, pray harder to Allah, as HE will be the ONLY one who will guide you. Keep your religion but remember that not all people understand Islam and rely more on 'cultural norms'.

Try not to complicate Islamic issues. Think of the Prophet(pbuH) Would he have been cruel to his wife/wives? That is all you need to consider to come to your decision. Anything else will only confuse you at this stage. Think of your children. DO they deserve to stay with a manipulative father? As he will likely do the same to them.

Sister, are you a revert? Is it a mixed marriage? You sound of English nationality.

PLEASE pm me if you need my help.
WHy am I SO concerned for your welfare?
I have been through this myself this year.

YOU ARE DOING GREAT! PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE YOU BUT YOU MUST STAY STRONG.

ONE MORE THING.CONSIDER GETTING A NON-MOLESTATION ORDER AGAINST YOUR HUSBAND SO HE DOES NOT HAVE CONTACT WITH YOU. AS YOU ARE IN A REFUGE HE ALREADY DOES NOT HAVE KNOWLEDGE OF WHERE YOU ARE. YOU SHOULD HAVE HELPERS IN THE REFUGE TO HELP YOU WITH ALL MATTERS. STAY STRONG AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.
GOOD LUCK.
some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 17 November 2009 at 8:28am
As divorce without any rhyme or reason is most detrimental, similarly seeking Khula without any solid ground is most detestable in the eyes of Shariah. A tradition of the Noble Prophet (peace be upon him) says: ‘The woman who demands divorce from her husband without having any ground, will be deprived of the fragrance of Heaven.’ (Bukhari)
However, if there is any reasonable ground, securing Khula is permissible and there is no hitch about it. Another Hadith says: “The wife of Thabit Bin Qais went to the Noble Prophet (peace be upon him) and said to him: ‘Messenger of Allah, I dislike Thabit the most. I do not level any charge against his faith or morals; but I fear that living with him may plunge me into Kufr.’ The Noble Prophet (peace be upon him) asked her whether she would return the garden which he (Thabit) had given her as Mahr. To which she replied in the affirmative. Then he (the Prophet) asked Thabit Bin Qais to get the garden back and divorce her.” (Bukhari)
Another case of Khula relating to the same Thabit Bin Qais is reported thus: “Thabit Bin Qais beat his wife Jameelah. She (Jameelah) or, according to another report, her brother complained to the Noble Prophet (peace be upon him) against him. He (the Prophet) sent for Thabit and told him to take the Mahr back and divorce his wife.” (Nasai)
 
Never return, and if you are able seek criminal charges also.
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 17 November 2009 at 9:02am
Aslaam Alaikum Sister,

i am sorry you are going through this.  You need to trust your gut instinct.

Abuayisha has shown you several hadiths.  Divorce is of course not encouraged but we DO have the right to not be married to people who are either or both  bad for us or a danger to us. You cna forrgive anyone for anything, but that has absolutely no bearing on who you deicde to marry or live with.

For him to say sounds manipulative. Why would he want to force someone to be with him who does not want to??? 

My duas for you.

Hayfa
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UmmImyou
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Quote UmmImyou Replybullet Posted: 17 November 2009 at 12:43pm
Assalam alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Jazakum Allahu khairan for all the kind souls who replied to my query in my time of need.

I have met with my husband recently. Ironically, I do believe he has come to his senses and made sincere tawbah to Allah SWT. I believe with counselling (which he is undergoing) he can and inshaAllah will turn his life around.

However, I do not wish to remain his wife, simply because the memories of what he did are very powerful, and I no longer have any respect for him. I cannot stay with someone I do not respect.

Please continue to make du'a for me, that Allah SWT guides me on the path to gain His SWT satisfaction. I only fear Him SWT and wish to gain His SWT Mercy on the Last Day.

Wassalam
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