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saima100
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Quote saima100 Replybullet Posted: 08 November 2009 at 9:43am
Thanks for the replies everyone.The fact that we both are divorced is a very stressing factor for both of us.I have discussed this problem with some people whom i consider close to me and whom i consider wise.All of them have come to the same conclusion that there is nothing wrong with him but it is you who are stressing unnecessary.And according to everyone 3 months is a v short time to judge another person.And according to everyone i should trust Allah and hope for the best.And if there is something wrong with him Allah will give me the courage to cope with it or give me the courage to leave him.I went to a psychologist even she said the same.
   Im though quite confused.I really dont want to take a risk but i guess i will have to take this risk.Though he is somewhat better now but all the time extremely at guard.According to everyone i have discussed this .all this will change with time.But this is exactly what everyone told me in my previous marriage as well.It seems like everyone is saying the same sentences.May Allah make you happy.All will help you and wont let anything bad happen to you.Alot of prayers are with you.Allah is not that unfair etc etc.I personally am afraid that he has some psychological problem and is unable to come close to anyone.That too according to people around me is my own fantasy.I know that im stressed but i feel that what i think of him is also not wrong.
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saima100
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Quote saima100 Replybullet Posted: 11 November 2009 at 7:11am
It is me again.Finally i found atleast 3 people who agree to me that this can be a problem.One of them is my brother who himself has had this problem.He says that mostly extremely nice people have this problem of pleasing other to some extent but he is on the extreme.My brother himself has read a number of books on this topic and he gave me a book to read which i have read.
   The problem with such people is that they find it impossible to be honest and show their true feeling out of the fear of rejection.And as a result either they get acquantances with people who are extremely users or people reject them.This sort of a person is addicted to care giving as that is the only thing which he thinks can give him respect in his own anothers eyes.Such people fall into different addictions and generally have more than one addiction.All the signs and symptoms of such a person are of an addict.Such a person never gives any real care or emotion to another person out of the fear of rejection but pleases and pleases and tries to get all the feelings from the other person.Person living with suc h a person feels he/she is getting nothing and is only and only giving and feels used.Though as this caregiving addict is a pleaser there is nothing to complain about either.Such a persons feelings go with feelings of others.As their self worth is exactly what others feel at that v moment.(he himself has told me this that his feelings go with others feelings).In a way it is a selfish relationship where the person who is a people pleaser keeps on getting true emotions from others in return of his manipulation.As his motive behind manipulation is good and as he himself does not know what he is doing.Noone is able to complain around him as he never gives a reason.And as this caregiving addicts self worth is extremely low no care or love can find his emptiness.It is like trying to fill a glass with no bottom.And such people were described as impossible to be emotionally intimate with others.The only thing that gives somewhat relief to both in such a relationship is some physical distance.(exactly like his ex used to do she went on vacations alone with others).More this person lives close to another person more unbearable it is for both.And this person himself as well is in extreme pain all the time and inflicts equal pain to the person involved.
   Such an insecure person is a person who has at a younger age not been able to trust one of the close people to him.(in his case his father)More such people have suppressed their true feelings in problems more this sort of personality they developed.More they have taken care of others around them and tried to make them happy in some way more severe problems arise later on.
   All this i felt even before i read this book but now atleast i know that im not crazy.
   Though now the practical situation is that wedding dresses are ready.Week of marriage is already decided.And everyone who knows that im getting married and it is going to be a matter of great courage to go from him as it is going to give me a v bad repute.As im already divorced.Anyway im going to talk to him about this and have gotton an appointment at a psychologist to understand if this is totally curable or not.And will see what i can do.The only problem is that how do i relax myself.
   This is actually the biggest shock of my life as all my life i have believed that only if i find a nice person all will be well.May Allah help me.
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saima100
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Quote saima100 Replybullet Posted: 15 November 2009 at 8:12am
know what im going to write is going to seem extremely strange.But i did talk to him quite in detail and i said that i want the real you not your expensive gifts,your romantic talks behind which you are hiding.To this his answer was''i dont know who i am and i dont want to know'' I said why dont you want to know and to this his answer was''what if what is hiding behind is gay''I said are you.To this he said ''look im a muslim and all this is wrong in islam but he also said that i dont get attracted to movie actresses.And i said what about actors and he started to laugh at this.Previously he told me in his first meetings with me that dont take it wrong it all started just in a fun but now we just continue it.I have a male friend who is really close to me and we give messages to each other and like each others company alot.We often hold hands as well.And generally boys dont do this in european cultures and this is thought to be very wrong.i said then why do you do this.He said it is just become a habit now.That friend also got divorced and got married just recently.I dont know what is true but all i know is that he is quite confused about this.And after talking about all this i thought he would not talk to me anymore or dislike me but what he said surprised me even more.He said that the both times we both talked about being honest has brought him v close to me and he felt these were really good conversations.And i felt as well that both these times when we discussed all these topics he was relaxed for the first time completely.And he likes me more now after these discussion of being honest.Now my fantacy is going really wild and i feel that either im crazy or he is.
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saima100
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Quote saima100 Replybullet Posted: 16 November 2009 at 9:34am
Any suggestions or comments?
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Pati
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Quote Pati Replybullet Posted: 16 November 2009 at 10:39pm
Dear Saima,

I think that the only person who can help you both is a psycologist. I know that homosexuality is not allowed in Islam, so in case that is his problem, none from your environment will be able to help you (I think).

Maybe he is just afraid from women after his failed marriage, or maybe he is really gay (sorry, but that exists, and unfortunately the quantity of them has raised too much in Western countries).

He started being open with you, but what he told you is an advise for future, dear: if he is really gay, your marriage most probably will not work, because he will go on looking for what he feels he needs (I hope I am not being to much harsh).

I don't know when are you going to get married, but really, I think you should delay the wedding and finding the real relationship you both have and you both want. With this comment, he just started showing himself, so you have to go on knowing him as deep as you can do, and don't think that if he was not in love with you, he would fall just because he told you that he may be gay... dear, if that is the problem, in your culture, the only thing he shaw on you was the chance to be opened with you, it's only that, and when you are keeping such a secret and you find someone able to keep it with you and share the weigh, you sure wound be happy to do.

I am scared from this comment, that may not have importance, or may change your life, Saima, and as I started this answer, I don't think we can help you here, we can tell you what we think we would do, but he is confused with something very important and I think you cannot help on that, he should discover himself his real feelings and his real needs.

All the best,
Patricia
No God wants the killing, but the peace.
The weapons are carried by people, not by religions.
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Quote martha Replybullet Posted: 17 November 2009 at 3:16am
Salams Sister
In your words you said 'In a way it is a selfish relationship where the person who is a people pleaser keeps on getting true emotions from others in return of his manipulation.As his motive behind manipulation is good and as he himself does not know what he is doing.Noone is able to complain around him as he never gives a reason.And as this caregiving addicts self worth is extremely low no care or love can find his emptiness.It is like trying to fill a glass with no bottom.And such people were described as impossible to be emotionally intimate with others.The only thing that gives somewhat relief to both in such a relationship is some physical distance.(exactly like his ex used to do she went on vacations alone with others).More this person lives close to another person more unbearable it is for both.And this person himself as well is in extreme pain all the time and inflicts equal pain to the person involved.
   Such an insecure person is a person who has at a younger age not been able to trust one of the close people to him.(in his case his father)More such people have suppressed their true feelings in problems more this sort of personality they developed.More they have taken care of others around them and tried to make them happy in some way more severe problems arise later on. '

Sister, look at this link. Perhaps it will help you. As you already have read some books you might be able to relate to this. In no way am I trying to suggest anything here, but as Pati suggested, I really think you should investigate this further to ease your mind or help you make a decision.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/personality-disorders/DS00562

You can also look into a problem called anti-social personality disorder. This can start at an early age. But do some research as it might help.

Also re-read my earlier posts. Perhaps they make more sense now?
some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set
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saima100
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Quote saima100 Replybullet Posted: 18 November 2009 at 3:28am
Thanks for you answers.The problem here is that he himself is either unsure or he knows and wants to get married as he himself has extreme wish to have children.Either way im at loss as if he knows he is gay there never will be a proper marriage and if he is unsure then he could end either way.And i doubt he is unsure at 33 after 4 years of marriage.And secondly i just read my post which is dificient.What i forgot to write was that when i asked him again ''are you gay''to this qs he did not say no once.He said twice''i already told you''And he also referred in answer to his same friend whom he had mentioned as something really harmless in the past.He said''i told you about my friend x''To this i said but you said he is just a friend.To this he said''what sort of boys give each other messages''i said i dont know maybe they do.And to this he said''we do it even in resaturants and in public places''And after this conversation of his we have talked twice and both times he was relaxed and did not have the need to please me either.He is acting totally normal where he is telling his likes and dislikes without thinking that i would be unhappy with him.And reason is obvious he has nothing to hide anymore.I remember that in his first conversations he said that he wanted to marry someone who was divorced and not a very young woman either.I said that this is so unusuall.Why is it so.To this his answer was that i want a mature woman who has seen problems of life and can understand that life is not all fun.This i liked alot about him and thought he is quite mature.But now i understand that the reason behind marrying a divorced woman and one who i older like me is that then she wont have the possibility to leave him.And he assured before saying yes to me that i immediately wanted kids after marriage.As he said ''then women stop thinking about husband and his faults''This too i took quite in another sense at the time.I though he was insecure.Now it all fits.He wanted a woman who was divorced and could not have the courage to take a divorce the second time.Who due to her old age could not leave him.Who due to children could not leave him.So he assured a person who had no choice due to her divorce,her old age and due to the fact that she soon got children.And if she ever did find out after a few years that he was gay she could not do anything about it.I am at the moment still talking with him.But i have told some in my family and i already have come to a decision.Im not going to marry him.But all i can say is that this is the shock of my life.All life i have believed that if i get a nice person everything will be perfect and there would be no problems.I could never imagine that i could get into such a situation.I have always thought i am quite wise and people cannot deceive me.And i felt whatever he said was true as what he said was true but reasons behind were totally different.After this i feel i should try marrying someone with obvious faults.Pray for me.thanks again for the answers.
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Pati
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Quote Pati Replybullet Posted: 18 November 2009 at 10:33pm
Dear Saima,

Please, don't blame yourself now, you have to be strong and to go ahead with your life.

I know that this situation is not usual in Muslim culture, but it's not the first time I heard something similar in Spain, or opposite, women who are lesbian and get married just to hide it.

It's just another danger in the current life while finding someone to share your life.

But, dear, you have to be happy and give thanks to God / Allah, because He sent you a sign before it was too late, He gave you the chance to take a decision with knowledge, and you already took it (I think). So please, in such a way, you have to be grateful and happy because first of all, you met someone who helped you to know more things about yourself, and secondly, he was not bad person, just having a problem, and maybe you can go on with the contact and you can help him in the future, because it's obvious that in the moment you'll tell him that you are not going to marry him, it will be a problem for him so... you will have to be there.

But after all, I feel that you will re-start your life soon.

If you want my suggestion for the next time, let the man talk first without interrupting and make your idea. There are lot of men divorced after the 30s, and it sounds so strange... I would be careful, but don't have any doubt that Allah will send you a friend, a husband, a father and a life partner sooner or later, just wait for the right one Wink

All the best
Patricia
No God wants the killing, but the peace.
The weapons are carried by people, not by religions.
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