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saima100
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Quote saima100 Replybullet Topic: MARRIAGE
    Posted: 04 October 2009 at 12:03pm
I have a strange problem and i really want opinions from other people.First i will write a bit of background so that my problem would not be taken as of someone who is totally spoiled.
   I am previosly divorced and the reason for divorce was that my eks was not happy with my dowry and i still did everything to make that marriage work but in the end it didnt work out.I did not leave marriage happily nor am i proud of doing so.At the same time i have a father who is quite immature and i have seen her struggle all her life with him.And we all still do as he can act violent and extremely verbally abusive to people around him.Im highly educated and have a good job.
   Im getting married after some months with someone whom i met throuhg my parents but we talked in detail everything before we did anything final and he is one of the most perfect people i have ever met.
    He is also divorced highly educated.He is a v mature person who has gone through alot in his life as well.His father left the family and he has done small jobs in addition to his studies to support his education.He is also divorced and the reason for his divorce is that she got interested in someoneelse.
   
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saima100
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Quote saima100 Replybullet Posted: 04 October 2009 at 12:09pm
We both have discussed everything in detail about our future and we match perfectly in every way.We both want family we both give importance to family and not money.Both are used to hard work.Whatever we discuss we come to the conclusion that we will work out perfectly in every way.He is like me somewhat religious as well.We are v direct in our approaches and that is what we liked in each other as well.We never played games with each other and said directly what we wanted in relationship and when.As a result we had literally discussed everything thre is to discuss in the first 1 week.At the same time we both talk extremely fast.So maybe that is too a fact.Now after that we both were v secure and felt v safe and happy that Allah has atlast made us both happy.We dont believe in dating etc so we told our parents after talking on telephone and meeting in their presence two times that we were satisfied.He discussed in detail with his family before finalizing and i discussed with my family in detail before finalizing and everyone agreed that we suit each other.So everyone is finally happy.
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saima100
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Quote saima100 Replybullet Posted: 04 October 2009 at 12:17pm
So everything was finalized in about 3 weeks.All went well and we now talk daily on telephone.With the passage of time i have started noticing that the confidence which i felt he had before he said yes to me has diminished after we got engaged.Now he is v conscious about his looks and at the same time about the fact that he cant be a good husband.In short low self esteem when it comes to being a husband.I do get that it is bc his first wife left him bc of another person.But it works in a v strange way.Fistly he was afraid that we wont have any topics to talk on like what happened in his first marriage.Now he feels safe that we always have topics to talk on.Then he does every possible thing to make me happy which is quite stressing for me and him.Though if i talk about it he wont admit it.Gifts which he gives to me are extremely expensive.He does say so as well that as his last wife was never happy with anything he bought for her so he want me to be happy.At the same time he give me alot of choice in everything just to make me happy.That much is v fine.But his idea of making me happy is contacting me constantly the entire day on sms and on telephone.I get about 20 sms daily which im not used to atall in any relationship in my life.Then his messages are extremely romantic.If i dont respond in the same way he gets insecure and starts to doubt our relationship.He starts to doubt if i even like him.He starts to doubt if there is something wrong with him.I have tried my level best to make him secure.
   The problem which has arisen is that his romantic sms etc are not out of love but out of fear.He keeps on doing them when he does not want to do them as well and as a result what happens is that he himself get irritated with this and so do i.And when we both get irritated his insecurity about the fact that there is something wrong with him or the relationship becomes even more strong.And that makes him trust less and less on me as well.
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saima100
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Quote saima100 Replybullet Posted: 04 October 2009 at 12:30pm
Now i have literally read everything there is on low self esteem and on how a relationship works and how to get close emotionally to a person but i dont know what to do here.Now the fact that his sms and tlf continue due to fear results in that we start getting bored of each other and then want somewhat space from each other.At times then he himself or i dont contact each other for 2 days or so and then again it results in the same problem that it increases his isecurities and he starts to doubt 3 things.
1) himself
2)me and my attachment
3)the overall relationship progress
    At the same time i would like to mention is that his ekswife told him clearly that she did not like him due to his looks and due to the fact that he is not enough romantic.And that was the reason for their divorce.(though he is quite handsome)
    I at times feel that im getting tense without any reason maybe with time everything will be fine as he will trust me more.
   At the same time i would say that he is a v sensible person who is v good with his economy,has a close relationship with his mother and 3 brothers.Extremely helping when it comes to home and his close family.He is a player on national level and coach as well and that is his passion and as far as i know has not even a single bad habit or flaw which i can pinpoint.He is in the management of a mosque as a new mosque is being build in his area.
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saima100
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Quote saima100 Replybullet Posted: 04 October 2009 at 12:48pm
I just forgot to mention that his eks wife told him about her affair with another person and this person said to her that he could forgive her if she totally left him and came back to him but she after some months decided to leave him.He still has nothing bad to say about her and says that maybe she was a good muslim and only liked the way the other person talked and he is not willing to say anything other than this about her.He says her acts are between her and Allah and i dont want to believe the worst.Similarly i have never heard him say anything bad about his father either.Everytime he has mentioned his father is with extreme respect and with v good words.Once he said this as well that it was so good when my parents lived together.Though father does not contact his children and got married 3 times this i found out from someoneelse.I really want to make him happy and secure as what he has faced in life has made me cry alot of time.I just dont understand how he can be so positive towards everything around him.He is born and brought up in a western country and is 34 years old and has only gone to his parents country of origin 2 times.Last time about 15 years ago.So his mental strength can be seen by the fact that he has a v good muslim identity and at the same time knows clearly what is right and wrong in life and what he wants.But this small problem is frightning me.
Can anyone give me any suggestion as to what i should do in this case should i talk to him about all this or not.Im afraid he will get even more afraid if i discuss anything with him.
Or should i just let the time help and make him secure with time maybe that is all that is needed.
What im afraid of is that these insecurities of his will hinder in developing a trusting relationship in between us.
   Though i have give him some hints.Like i said to him once that it really doesnt matter how much contact we have everyday.And i also said that at time i dont want to talk to him everyday and said it in a jolly way that hope you dont get afraid of that.And said that the day i want to talk to you i will not hesitate to say so the day i dont want to talk to you i will not hesitate to say so either.I think he did get a bit relaxed after that.But here i talked about myself not about him.Any other suggestiong???
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Pati
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Quote Pati Replybullet Posted: 06 October 2009 at 11:58am
Hi Saima100,

Well, it's a long story, really, and at the same time beautiful and sad.

First of all, I will tell you that I met my own father in your description of your future husband. He is very romantic, while my mother is not, and sometimes I saw my father sad after buying her flowers, jewels or this kind of things without any answer but "why? OK, thanks, but we have not money for that!!!".

My father too had a very difficult life, because his parents got 12 children, and when he was born they sent him to another village with my granfather brothers, so my father didn't have too much contact with his family. Actually, during his whole life, everytime someone from his family is coming to him, it's just to ask for something... but see, I never heard anything bad from him about his family, only good words. And I am sure I will never hear.

Is it bad? Well, I don't think so. I am sure that inside him, he knows the real situation, but at the same time... what can he do? It's his family!! So he will always be there for them, because the blood relation is something we cannot change. I hope you can understand what I mean with my father's story. He is really happy, and his happiness started the day of his marriage with my mother.

About your boyfriend... well, I would ask you to imagine you were in his situation: the closest person to you is cheating you, and you forget all that pain to give her a second chance... and she leaves... Well, it sounds too hard, really. I am sorry for him. And you said he is a very sensitive person, so... imagine. You have to understand him (something I know you are trying to do).

My suggestion? Well, as your relation is based on the commitment, the truth, and the confidence in each other, you have to show him that he is the only one, and you are not his exw, but his future. Show him that you will be there forever for him, you will be the mother of his children, and you will think only about him even in dreams. Show him that this world is just him.

How to do? Well, send him short message with not much words, before he sends anything. Call him to have short conversations, telling him that you were wanting just to hear him, to know how he was and to say "good nights". Just give him small signs to make him understand that your relation has nothing to do with his old relation, and that it works.

You have to help him a lot here, Saima, because he is a little destroyed inside (I know how he feels perfectly, really).

Try this first, and try to do it in nice way. You need to make him realize that you really want to be with him as his wife, and that you have no doubt. Show him how much important he is, and how much you need him.

Maybe, he feels that you are too much independent for him, and he is afraid from that feeling (even if at first, he was happy with that point). You have to show him that you need him too, and you need him to be there always as someone to trust, not like someone afraid.

Good luck, Saima. I hope you can solve this small trouble and make a happy family for the rest of your life.

All the best,
Patricia
No God wants the killing, but the peace.
The weapons are carried by people, not by religions.
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 06 October 2009 at 1:17pm
Asaalam Alaikum,

All relationships as you know area growing experience. No two people are necessarily 'perfect' for each other. But as you know, it is hard to hide one's weaknesses from a spouse. Very hard.

1. Be kind and patient. He is actually making himself vulnerable.. showing his weaknesses. REally you can take advantage of it and use it. Or not.

2. Continue to talk to him  about the 'what ifs' about the relationship. Its about how we handle  things in moments of stress or in methods of communication.  Most people do not have great communication skills.

3. He may be thinking "I found this really good woman and I am afraid to lose her."  It will just take some time to show him that you are not like his ex. 

4. Tying on to what Patricia said, maybe make sure to initiate things. Direct them so to speak. If you are insecure, you need to feel wanted. Eventually once you are more established he may very well relax.

5. Pray. Pray to Allah to ease this, especially for this man you may marry. When you go through the 'ringer' or a bad situation you have to heal.

My Duas are for you

Hayfa
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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Quote martha Replybullet Posted: 06 October 2009 at 1:22pm
Salaams Saima,
YOu both sound very nice and good people. When do you plan to get married?
To elaborate on what Pati said...I think it would also be a very good idea to write him a long letter. It will be different to the sms. WIth sms you can only say a few things. In a letter it will be a nice change for him and also he can keep reading it again and again. A letter is more personal .
YOu know that it is normal for him to feel insecure because of his last marriage. I think also that after your last marriage that you would have also felt the same feelings. SO you are the right person to help him through this.
BUt really, I think once you are married his insecurities will improve, but it will take time for him to forget the past even after marriage.
YOu can also maybe send him a homemade card of affection. He can keep that near to him. It is a bit like a child that needs a teddy bear. If he has something from you close to him then he will feel better. I hope this helps you:)
some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set
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