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Family Matter
 IslamiCity Forum - Islamic Discussion Forum : Culture & Community : Family Matter
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 03 October 2009 at 4:13pm
Asalaam ALaikum Anderson,

The behavior is appalling! I agree with Martha. And his family has done you a terrible dis-service. How you treat anyone, anyone like that.

You know I havea friend in Pakistan. And when his dad was younger he wanted to leave his wife. HIS family said has she been a a bad wife, done anything Islamic, he said no. The family said we will dis-own you if you divorce her. Now that is character. So it is out there.

My husband prays 5 times a day, fast and all those things, and yet he still found it within himself to be cruel towards his wife and insists its all permissible within Islam to do what he does. Yes, I do want him back, probably because he is what I know in my life. The unknown terrifies me.

Well you know deen and character are related and are two different things.. you cna pray and have have terrible character. Imagine the poor girl going to marry him next.. Ick.

Yes the unknown is terrifying.. you are right.. but so was moving to another country and marrying a man and giving it all up. YOU ARE STRONG. Give yourself credit.  So really its not his character but that you are scared.

Put your faith in Allah.  And focus on today and now. We all face the unknown. IT is scary. Start with things like getting you licence. Can you get out and visit family. You need mortal support.

As Martha attested, the first few weeks are the worst.

Do you want to go back to your home country? Or do you want to stay?

My Duas are with you.

Hayfa

When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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anderson
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Quote anderson Replybullet Posted: 05 October 2009 at 9:41am
Salam to everyone here,

Martha, I have been truly disappointed about the islamic centres and mosques. Many weeks ago, I did try to contact them. I wasn't even asking for money or material things. I just wanted to talk to someone like an imam to ask questions and seek counselling People just ignored me, or told me to email, but never did reply up till today. So I have given up on them, and frankly, my heart is not even in it anymore right now to have contacts with those mosque people. They can go ahead and wear their white robes and pray all day long if they like, but if you can't even spend 10 minutes to talk to a desperate woman in my position who was pleading for your help and all alone on her own, I won't care how religious you are.

Hayfa, your story about the pakistani man who was gonna divorce his wife and what his family told him - that is truly character! I will keep this story in my mind forever. My in laws have never even called me once since they left. I don't want to go into details, but it saddens me to think how much I used to love them, respect them and what I have done for them. I gave to my parent-in-laws more than what I even gave to my own parents, and I love them no lesser.

No, I am not gonna leave this place, no matter how hard it is. I won't go home to my country. My husband mocked me before he left about how helpless and vulnerable I am and that I cannot survive on my own here without him. He told me to go home .He asked, "who is gonna help you?" The first words that came out from me was, "Allah will help me." He laughed, then got angry and said I was naive to believe life works just like that. I will prove him wrong. I will trust in Allah to help me and I WILL rise again and go on with my life as best as I could, and I won't go home. This is a challenge I have to take.
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sincere
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Quote sincere Replybullet Posted: 06 October 2009 at 10:26am
ConfusedAssalaam Alaikum
I am dealing with a situation in my marriage were my husband is taking responsibility for another woman. He has not married her but is convinced that he is correct to spend his time and efforts with her. He is considering marrying her but feels that he is not out of line because it is a "lesser form of right" because he is intending to do something good in Islam.
I don't know what to do. We have children and he really can not afford to take on this responsibility but he is pretty much insisting that I accept her or our marriage will end.
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Allah First
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Quote Allah First Replybullet Posted: 06 October 2009 at 10:32am

No, I am not gonna leave this place, no matter how hard it is. I won't go home to my country. My husband mocked me before he left about how helpless and vulnerable I am and that I cannot survive on my own here without him. He told me to go home .He asked, "who is gonna help you?" The first words that came out from me was, "Allah will help me." He laughed, then got angry and said I was naive to believe life works just like that. I will prove him wrong. I will trust in Allah to help me and I WILL rise again and go on with my life as best as I could, and I won't go home. This is a challenge I have to take.[/QUOTE]   

My Allah (swt) make things easier for you sister. It's hard but i believe that you are where your supposed to be in life. Learn lessons tomake yourself better and Inshallah you will get something better in his place. No one is alone bit Allah is there.
You are going to be ALRIGHT! INSHALLAH!
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ak_m_f
 
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Quote ak_m_f Replybullet Posted: 06 October 2009 at 11:25am
where do you live now? was ur husband arab?

Lot of Arabs here in Canada are womanizers. I think its integrated into their culture to oppress woman and make her vulnerable.

Before Islam came they used to bury girls alive.
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Quote martha Replybullet Posted: 06 October 2009 at 12:36pm
Originally posted by anderson

Salam to everyone here,

Martha, I have been truly disappointed about the islamic centres and mosques. Many weeks ago, I did try to contact them. I wasn't even asking for money or material things. I just wanted to talk to someone like an imam to ask questions and seek counselling People just ignored me, or told me to email, but never did reply up till today. So I have given up on them, and frankly, my heart is not even in it anymore right now to have contacts with those mosque people. They can go ahead and wear their white robes and pray all day long if they like, but if you can't even spend 10 minutes to talk to a desperate woman in my position who was pleading for your help and all alone on her own, I won't care how religious you are.

Hayfa, your story about the pakistani man who was gonna divorce his wife and what his family told him - that is truly character! I will keep this story in my mind forever. My in laws have never even called me once since they left. I don't want to go into details, but it saddens me to think how much I used to love them, respect them and what I have done for them. I gave to my parent-in-laws more than what I even gave to my own parents, and I love them no lesser.

No, I am not gonna leave this place, no matter how hard it is. I won't go home to my country. My husband mocked me before he left about how helpless and vulnerable I am and that I cannot survive on my own here without him. He told me to go home .He asked, "who is gonna help you?" The first words that came out from me was, "Allah will help me." He laughed, then got angry and said I was naive to believe life works just like that. I will prove him wrong. I will trust in Allah to help me and I WILL rise again and go on with my life as best as I could, and I won't go home. This is a challenge I have to take.
 
Sister Anderson, I am glad you came back to reply to us all. My gut feeling, as I have been there, is to forget what your husband thinks.You must  do what is best for you. It is easy to say you will stay where you are, to prove a point to him, but really is that important anymore? It is normal to want to hit back in some way. It is part of the grieving process but long term it can lead to bitterness and is counter productive. Also, if you left that place would he know? And again would it matter? Allah will help you, and your husband mocks you because your relationship with Allah is far greater than his will ever be. HOw any man, regardless of his religion even, can just leave his wife without a thought for her well being. He knows that often sisters get little or no help...muslim men stick together like glue, even if they are at fault. This is why he asks where you will get help. But this kind of attitude is common place I am afraid to say. IT doesn't come down to ISlam, but instead their own ego. I am not st**id to suggest all men are like this...there are some excellent men and husbands out there. BUt from experience men expect us to back down and are shocked when we stand firm. OF course Allah is with us and we are not frightened. Justice will always prevail dear sister. And I am sure you know that.
You are feeling exactly as I did...I didn't care for mixing with hypocrites...even now I am content for it to be my God and me. What else do we really need in this life? Well for the time being most certainly. IT is a huge bonus of course if we are blessed to have a good and caring muslim husband who knows his religion. Insha'allah that will happen for you in the future.
As a revert you are in a better position than born muslim women. Often, because of culture, they accept whatever the husband says or does. I am not suggesting wives should disobey the man, but we have rights and deserve to be treated with fairness and kindness.
I am a revert of 6 years.I have yet to fit in with the norm. I have missed out on eids and family involvement. It has taken a long time to understand that people just don't 'get it' or 'get me'.
Do what is best for you. Find your own niche where you can find contentment. No one can possibly know what is best for you other than yourself. We are masters of our own destiny, but not over the destiny of others. Forget his family that you loved so much. Yes it hurts, but hold your head up with all the grace of an adult, not  the grief of a child. Decorate your own life with a garden of blooms instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. By doing that you know you will continue strong and that you can endure all things and that you really do have worth.
You are, perhaps, in the place where you don't know if you can follow Islam anymore. That also is normal and expected. Again, I have been there. So don't make rush decisions regarding Islam. Take one day at a time. YOu have done nothing wrong. Allah will always protect you. YOu are a choice woman in THe eyes of Allah. Pray as you feel comfortable...go about each day as you feel comfortable. ANd remember we are here for you.
May Allah bless you and send those good people to you to give you help.
Hugs,
Martha xx
 
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 07 October 2009 at 4:38am
No, I am not gonna leave this place, no matter how hard it is. I won't go home to my country. My husband mocked me before he left about how helpless and vulnerable I am and that I cannot survive on my own here without him. He told me to go home .He asked, "who is gonna help you?" The first words that came out from me was, "Allah will help me." He laughed, then got angry and said I was naive to believe life works just like that. I will prove him wrong. I will trust in Allah to help me and I WILL rise again and go on with my life as best as I could, and I won't go home. This is a challenge I have to take.[/QUOTE]  

I just wanted to point this out.. he laughed / mocked for one's belief /faith in Allah... WOW.. shows just how ignorant even  Muslims are. And does he have no fear! Wow..
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 07 October 2009 at 4:42am
Asalaam Alaikum Sincere,

Welcome to the Forum.

1. You are right that it his contact with this woman - if he is spending time alone with her is not acceptable in Islam.

2. If you did not have kids, would you want to stay with him? It is really getting into your motivations.. what do YOU want.

3. And in the end you need to decide do you want this or not. For some women it will be okay. But you need ot state what you will and will not put up with.

Keep us posted.
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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