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Family Matter
 IslamiCity Forum - Islamic Discussion Forum : Culture & Community : Family Matter
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anderson
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Quote anderson Replybullet Topic: what to do when husband leaves me
    Posted: 26 September 2009 at 3:41pm
I was very happy the day I married my muslim husband. He was the first muslim man I know and I wanted to be a good muslimah wife and grow closer to Allah and Islam in the marriage. Alhamdullilah I have been able to feel closer to God and discover more about the religion.

But after 6 years of marriage, my husband just turned to me one day and said he wanted to leave me and get a divorce. I was thoroughly shocked and didn't expect this at all. My husband said he wanted to find happiness in his life which he couldn't feel in the marriage. I have tried talking to him and telling him that we have everything we ever wanted in our marriage and he should not fall to his "nafs" chasing for more worldly happiness. But he wouldn't listen and he left, and suddenly I am all alone to fend for myself.

I feel lost and vulnerable. I was the type of wife who has been so faithful, I would never leave the house without my husband, I stayed home to cook, clean, wash for him despite being very educated in western universities. I thought that I was fulfilling my responsibility as a a muslim wife to a husband I adored and respected. And he just dumped me high and dry to search for his own "happiness". I leaarned recently he is out chasing young arab girls to marry again (my husband is almost 40 ). My caucasian friends are all telling I-told-you-so-arab/muslim-men-are-womanisers and that they go chasing after girls half their age. It feels awful when your own husband helps to justify the westerner's biased perception of Islam.

I feel scared and empty in my life right now. My husband told me what he did is not something wrong and even Islam would approve. He even said that without divorce papers, he could get married quickly in a mosque because he is a man. And women like me get the bad end of the deal in Islamic marriages.

I really want to have my husband back. I don't know what to do anymore. I have begged and cried and humiliated myself. Its not easy out where I live to find other muslim men, and I don't know if I could go back to seeing caucasian non-muslim men. Please advice me what to do with my life? How do I convince my husband to come back?
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fais
 
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Quote fais Replybullet Posted: 28 September 2009 at 8:57am
dear sister.
salam sister,
 
i read your post and can feel it as my wife did the same thing to me,she also says god has decided us to apart and she has made her mind,i begged i cried i requested but nothing made her decision change.please read my post 'i wanna save my marraige in family matters and pray for me as i am going to get divorced soon,i will be forced to utter those 3 words of talaq very soon by my wife.
 
just pray that i can bear the pain of sepration as i love her with my full heart,i will pray for you too,insha allah will do the best for you and he will come back.
 
people who wants to depart often give this excuse of allah's will but they dont know i think how hatefull talaq is to allah and if they do nothing to save it insha allah on the day of judgement they will be shamefull.sister your efforts will give you the fruits one day dont worry.plz plz read my post i wanna save my marraige.
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 28 September 2009 at 12:28pm
Asalaam Alaikum Anderson,

Welcome to the Forum. It is so sad to hear about your situation. I pray to Alla

1. He may use HIS interpretation to justify his actions.. though anyone can point out if our Beloved Prophet (PBUH) ever treated his wives in this manner? 

And as Fais said, divorce is quite disliked by Allah. WE all are judged for our thoughts and actions. 

Your husband did what he did. He may very well try and blame you but really, he wanted what he wanted. As you said, this world pulled on him.

2. Where do you live? Do you have kids? Do you have family? 

3. Why would you go back to non Muslim men right away. Give it time. You need to spend time with yourself and your Creator.

4. Getting him  back: as you said, you humiliated yourself etc. Well please sister, enough of that. You think he wants a doormat (not that you are but it very well may be perceived as that)? 

5. Honestly, it is sad to say that we (any person) will put themselves down as to do anything to get someone who does not want us.  You are a good Muslim woman. If nothing else, he should treat you with more kindness and respect, EVEN IF he truly does not see you as compatible. Heck, I hear about men who do care about their wives enough to keep them and get a 2nd. He just walked out. Why would you want a man who would do that to you????

This is not to say you should not do what feel comfortable if you really want him back for your own personal reasons. But keep in mind.. you deserve better.

I would pray to Allah to guide you. And remember what often seems 'bad' turns out to be a benefit and a mercy to us.  Trust in Allah.


Can you go to the Masjid and get some help?

And last, people are fickle. And that is why we must love Allah and his Messenger (PBUH) more than any other person.

This is not to deny your feelings. Not at all. If he is that selfish, why give him all this power???


My duas for you.

 
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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anderson
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Quote anderson Replybullet Posted: 28 September 2009 at 5:34pm
Thanks for the replies, It makes me feel better to know there are people who care enough to respond, cos quite frankly, I am feeling so lonely right now.

To answer to some of the questions - I do not have kids nor family. I moved from my country to be with my husband. I gave up everything, my professional job, family, friends, homeland to be with that man. We moved to a place far away from the city, not very accessible by public transport. My husband never allowed me to drive or keep a cellphone. He created a marriage where I was very dependent on him and he kinda guarded me with jealousy. I wanted so much to please him as a wife, so I obeyed thinking that was what islam wanted of me.

Many years into the marriage later, I found out he was chasing other women. It really broke my heart but I kept on praying to Allah to help me and I forgave him again and again. Finally in July this year, he left me. It was crazy cos his family flew from his country and was giving him moral support to leave me!! I begged and pleaded and said it was my husband who cheated and I was faithful all these time, but the family told me off and insisted to leave my husband alone. They stayed at my place for weeks for free and ran the whole place down, and finally one day left without so much as saying a thank you or goodbye to me. They took my husband with them that day too, and he never came back again since then.

Since I live out in a town away from the city, its been hard for me. I dont have a driving licence (cos my husband didnt allow me to have one before). I have to struggle to survive to get my own food, to see a doctor, to just live day to day. I dont even know how to get to a mosque. There are some kind neighbours who have been helping me though and I have been receiving financial aid. They said what my husband did is not just a simple case of divorce, but cruelty and abandoning his wife in a place where she was dependent on him for survival as a housewife all these years. And he is out looking for a new young wife right now, spending money on lavish vacations with arab girls.

I dont know what to do with my life anymore. I feel so broken and sometimes I quesion God why this is happening to me. My husband prays 5 times a day, fast and all those things, and yet he still found it within himself to be cruel towards his wife and insists its all permissible within Islam to do what he does. Yes, I do want him back, probably because he is what I know in my life. The unknown terrifies me.




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fais
 
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Quote fais Replybullet Posted: 28 September 2009 at 10:22pm

Salam,

Sister it is nice to know that you have come close to Allah after marraige,most of the non muslim woman become muslim just cause they are marrying a muslim guy but you are a nice lady who took this relegion as a way of life and this will reward you insha allah,
 
Sister your husband is a fool to leave a woman who has reverted to islam with full heart and belive me sister a reverted muslim is rewarded more as they didnt get this relegion by inheritence,a revert has to work and fight a lot and this is hard and there is better reward,hope someone can explain my point in a better way.you are his passsport to janna as you are a good muslim woman and if he leaves you he will be the looser,I am not saying he should leave you but sister god forbid if this happens just think you have the most beautifull way of life which is islam,and as you said you a an educated woman so dont worry there are many muslim good men  in this world you will find one.dont lower your self esteem as i did.learn to love your self.there are many oraganisation like islamic research foundation where you can have good muslim friends and once you join them you will see there are so many muslims to help you in many ways.
 
And women like me get the bad end of the deal in Islamic marriages.
Sister you are a nice lady and i feel you have learned islam more than a readymade muslim,no law in islam is bad this shud be your belief if you deny any you not a muslim,so islam has certain laws which is really beneficial to the society in long run,infact islam has the best law for marraige as it is very just and human,i dont wanna go in deep with islamic marraige rights of muslim woman but i hope you understand wot i wanna say by this.
 
Yes your husband has really made a bad impression on other non muslim as he wants to leave you in the middle,believe me sister he will repent and will be a looser on the day of judgement,difficulty comes but you have to face it without any negative effect on your faith.
 
Pray tahajjud in the middle of the night which is after 2am,and pray that allah shud do wot is the best for you i know its hard to ask that as you want your partner at anycost,it was hard for me too and i asked allah to give me my wife at anycost but one of my cousin made me realise that one shud not direct the decisions of allah let allah do the best for you.
 
hope i have made my points clear.if anyone can explain my points to sister anderson in a  better way please do it,i will appreciate.
 
Regards
 
 


Edited by fais - 28 September 2009 at 10:32pm
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Full of Hopes
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Quote Full of Hopes Replybullet Posted: 01 October 2009 at 9:10pm

  Asslamu Alikum sister anderson, I am sorry for that.

 I agree with sister Hayfa but hope to hear form you soon. I hope you are fine.
 May Allah help you.
 
And whoever seeks a religion other than Islâm, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)
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Allah First
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Quote Allah First Replybullet Posted: 02 October 2009 at 2:15pm
Asalaam Aleikum sister Anderson, If Allah (swt) has taken your husband and you have no family, then belive me you have him (Allah) there to protect you. Divorce is so hard, being abandoned is the worst feeling, but nothing is greater than Allah. Try your best to count your blessings. I know that now your thinking, you would go back to him, but the time will come when you will see otherwise believe me.
You will always feel that he can 'whenever he pleases, leaves you again, and the next time you would have had the experience. I don't know all that happened but, it is not a man who abandons his wife like that, and your probably lucky you didn't have children with him, It makes it worse believe me.
Sister, I make dua for you that in this storm in your life that Allah swt, will make you steadfast. All is a test. InshAllah he will be replaced by something better, and if it is him, Allah will make him more deserving for you.
Pray and be patient, nothing even happiness doesn't last forever.
May Allah make it easy
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Quote martha Replybullet Posted: 03 October 2009 at 5:30am
Salaams SIster Anderson,
Please excuse my delay for responding..I have not been on line for some days.
I am really saddened to hear what has happened. Hayfa is right in that you must not humiliate yourself to get your husband to return. He appears to have decided..along with his family..what is best for them, and not you. They have behaved appallingly.
But now lets see how we can get you over this almost unbearable hurdle. It is good you are receiving some financial aid. It doesn't matter if it comes from an Islamic source or through government assistance. You need to survive.
You say some good non-muslims are helping you. That is also OK. Never feel worried about that.
In some ways our situations are similar. The difference being that I asked my husband to leave. He punished me by continuing to deprive me of as much as he could, even trying to get me evicted from the home.He thought I would back down. I had to rely on assistance other than Islamic despite going to the local mosque and Imam and getting no support.
So as far as the muslims were concerned I disappeared from within the muslim society purely because I no longer wanted to live with an abusive husband. As a revert that was incredibly hard to bear. I always thought that sisters had rights...but by holding out my hand for help proved otherwise.
Sister, the first few weeks are hard..but believe in some humans and your life will change. Concentrate on what you must do and try to leave the past behind you if you can.
It will get better. I am now happier than I have been in years. But it took a great deal of courage to get to that point. I am unable to work due to ill health..so at times it has been dire.
Are you able to return home to your family? I assume they are not muslim? If this is the case they will struggle to understand fully what has happened...but they are still your family and love you no matter what . Perhaps you can try to think about visiting/returning to them for some support..maybe you will be able to see clearer your situation and make some decisions.
Excuse the lengthy post..but I hope my post gives you some encouragement to press forward. Continue to love Allah, be close to Him and he will guide and ease your troubles. Be strong sister. We are all behind you. Let us know how it goes.
Big hugs XX
Martha
some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set
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