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Full of Hopes
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Quote Full of Hopes Replybullet Posted: 18 September 2009 at 12:43am

   Asslamu Alaikum
 Sister I am happy that I have read your other reply, the one with the compute websites. I pray to Allah to let me help every one.
 Please, take this from your sister. Some women are VERY good Muslims. But they have got a problem they do not feel of it. They are always thinking about the obedience and the religion. I mean they worry too much want  Allah to be pleased with them, which is really Great.  But dear Islam also order us to have some time for fun and take some rest for our souls in doing things related to this life which we like. I will explain more.
...
  It is fine you search the net to know how to be a good Muslim, but give some time to search how to be a good wife and please him in another sides. You must understand what I mean.
 Also have some time to search the web for new fashion, new decoration, new make up styles, new dresses, new pics some fun. I mean  enjoy your life. In a balance and wise way. But do not take the whole time just looking for the way to be a good Muslim wife, because I think you are already a good Muslim wife.Embarrassed
  It is good to be a good Muslim, but sister some women think that the true Islam want us to spend life reading Quraan and praying or looking only for good deeds. I hope you understand.

  Men want the funny and alive woman. They want to see a strong personality with good and even funny manners.  They would like the woman who always  has new ideas and good education about the family issues.

  Sister, now I am sure that cooking is not the matter. You must hurry to understand what is going around you.
  And a little advice do not tell him you saw the history, he will be sure to delete it the next time. But this action gives you a clue.

   May Allah help you..





Edited by Full of Hopes - 18 September 2009 at 12:51am
And whoever seeks a religion other than Islâm, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)
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Shasta'sAunt
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Quote Shasta'sAunt Replybullet Posted: 18 September 2009 at 3:29pm
Originally posted by abuayisha

yeah, perhaps I meant debate.  I know how ugly arguments can get, but seeing that it was you I felt reassured.
 
My motto: float like a butterfly, land like a sack o'potatoes.......Smile


Edited by Shasta'sAunt - 18 September 2009 at 3:30pm
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
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salaam123
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Quote salaam123 Replybullet Posted: 18 September 2009 at 4:34pm
Originally posted by Full of Hopes


   Asslamu Alaikum
 Sister I am happy that I have read your other reply, the one with the compute websites. I pray to Allah to let me help every one.
 Please, take this from your sister. Some women are VERY good Muslims. But they have got a problem they do not feel of it. They are always thinking about the obedience and the religion. I mean they worry too much want  Allah to be pleased with them, which is really Great.  But dear Islam also order us to have some time for fun and take some rest for our souls in doing things related to this life which we like. I will explain more.
...
  It is fine you search the net to know how to be a good Muslim, but give some time to search how to be a good wife and please him in another sides. You must understand what I mean.
 Also have some time to search the web for new fashion, new decoration, new make up styles, new dresses, new pics some fun. I mean  enjoy your life. In a balance and wise way. But do not take the whole time just looking for the way to be a good Muslim wife, because I think you are already a good Muslim wife.Embarrassed
  It is good to be a good Muslim, but sister some women think that the true Islam want us to spend life reading Quraan and praying or looking only for good deeds. I hope you understand.

  Men want the funny and alive woman. They want to see a strong personality with good and even funny manners.  They would like the woman who always  has new ideas and good education about the family issues.

  Sister, now I am sure that cooking is not the matter. You must hurry to understand what is going around you.
  And a little advice do not tell him you saw the history, he will be sure to delete it the next time. But this action gives you a clue.

   May Allah help you..





Salaam Full of Hopes. I understand what you mean, but the only reason I was looking at how to be a better Islamically was because I grew up in Canada, my parents never talked to us about Islam in marriage and what not because they thought I guess we would pick it up ourselves and we would know. My husband grew up in an Islamic country, so I hope you can understand that I thought maybe there was something that I didn't know and he did but wasn't telling me.

As for the dressing and makeup...sister believe me I ALWAYS try, everyday to make sure I look nice for my husband because I always thought if I don't look good for him, he may focus on another woman that does look good. You know?

Everyday I do my makeup alittle different, maybe different eyeshadow or different colour lipstick. I wear dresses for him all the time at home because I know he likes it.

But anyways that's why I wanted to see if there was something as a Muslim women I wasn't doing. And I did look that up too...how to be a good Muslim wife and what's expected of a wife and all that.

Thanks for your comments
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UmmAmara
 
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Quote UmmAmara Replybullet Posted: 18 September 2009 at 5:59pm
ASA,

I think the best thing for our sister is for us 2 give her advice that will be best for her marriage.Reading some few posts here...many sisters give the impressions that they can never stay with a man like this...but have u heard of the saying that says..'From the frying pan into the fire?'...u might seem better off without him but the next man you will get could be worse than that.And this time,it wudnt be about harmless potatoes.

Sisters,there is no perfect man in this world.Men were not created like women,the sooner you understand their nature,the easier life becomes for you.
Rather than wasting time trying 2fight with them...its much easier if the sister gives in 2this fight(we all know that the Prophet SAW said that muslims shud not stay for more than 3days without talking and that the first person 2break the ice gets more thawaabs)...she will get to find the reason as 2why all this is happening.

My dear sister,how u break the ice also matters.There are many ways of doing it...u knw ur husband well...get his likes and be brave and adventurerous when doing so.He is ur husband...he is not perfect.Accept him. Learn 2 live with him,mould him and be patient when doing so.It duznt work overnight.

Also,look at what might be the problem from ur side and be honest about it,coz it might be u or it might be him.You don't have to tel us but look for a solution within urself.

Behind every successful man is a woman...they forgot to put strong before woman...so be strong.Trust in Allah SW.No one else.Everything will come in place.

Marriage is not a contest as to who will give in first...marriage is about accepting each other.Be more than that...be the stronger one,be the mature one,be the fool now but infront of Allah SW ur the winner.

All the best.
Acquisition of knowledge requires a great deal of patience and hardwork.
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 18 September 2009 at 8:34pm
Aslaam ALaikum Amara,

Did you read the post about him watching 'adult movies on the Internet."

I agree we should be the mature ones.. but at times there are greater concerns here. And whereas for some watching that stuff is not a big deal. But for others it is a grave concern.

And it does not sound like she is fighting. .she sounds to me, more bewildered then anything else. No one here is saying she should stay or leave her husband.. she is not speaking about how to cook.  Cook him the potatoes he likes, no one cares.. but if he is unable to be 'satisfied' what should the sister do?

I guess I do not understand how you perceive she is fighting with him

May Allah have mercy on us all.

Hayfa
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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Quote martha Replybullet Posted: 18 September 2009 at 8:35pm
Originally posted by UmmAmara

ASA,

I think the best thing for our sister is for us 2 give her advice that will be best for her marriage.Reading some few posts here...many sisters give the impressions that they can never stay with a man like this...but have u heard of the saying that says..'From the frying pan into the fire?'...u might seem better off without him but the next man you will get could be worse than that.And this time,it wudnt be about harmless potatoes.

Sisters,there is no perfect man in this world.Men were not created like women,the sooner you understand their nature,the easier life becomes for you.
Rather than wasting time trying 2fight with them...its much easier if the sister gives in 2this fight(we all know that the Prophet SAW said that muslims shud not stay for more than 3days without talking and that the first person 2break the ice gets more thawaabs)...she will get to find the reason as 2why all this is happening.

My dear sister,how u break the ice also matters.There are many ways of doing it...u knw ur husband well...get his likes and be brave and adventurerous when doing so.He is ur husband...he is not perfect.Accept him. Learn 2 live with him,mould him and be patient when doing so.It duznt work overnight.

Also,look at what might be the problem from ur side and be honest about it,coz it might be u or it might be him.You don't have to tel us but look for a solution within urself.

Behind every successful man is a woman...they forgot to put strong before woman...so be strong.Trust in Allah SW.No one else.Everything will come in place.

Marriage is not a contest as to who will give in first...marriage is about accepting each other.Be more than that...be the stronger one,be the mature one,be the fool now but infront of Allah SW ur the winner.

All the best.
 
Walaikum assalaam.
I don't think the sister in question is particularly wanting to fight with her husband. How can she fight if he doesn't talk or respond to her? Of course men are not perfect, neither are women, but this husband seems to hide stuff from his wife ie watching porn...so one has to wonder what else he hides too.
 
Regarding the potatoes..normally I would say it is not a big issue...but the husband has made it one and continues to do so. If the sister gives in to him then it is manipulation on his part and he could well find fault in her regarding other issues. She does not have to accept this kind of behaviour from him..but he has to bend a little and not necessarily expect her to do so. Like I say, it seems he wants to control her. It is better for him and their marriage if he laughed off her faults and guides her in an Islamic way. He doesn't appear to be doing that. The sister on the face of it appears to be trying to resolve the concerns...but is unable to as he doesn't speak.
 
I guess why some of us sisters here  give the impression they could never stay with a man like this is because they recognise some unusual behavioral problems with him.As for myself, I had a terrible marriage lasting 6 years where my husband found fault with small things such as food, that led to other stuff and I ended up feeling worthless. Any small thing I bought for the home ( and I mean I bought, not him) he did not like it. It continued to the extent that he found it amusing if I became upset. He manipulated and abused, eventually took all my money and for the sake of my health I had to finish the marriage. It was full of deceit and lies on his part. I am not suggesting this sister's husband is the same, but some of us can see the early signs. And she is being made to feel guilty over something trivial. She at least is trying to be sensible without allowing him to use her as a doormat.
 
The issues really are more than potatoes. And she has not been back here for some days I see. Let us hope the problem is resolved, but many sisters experience this kind of behaviour and come here. Only the 2 people in question know the full story...and we sincerely do support her and hope she makes a go of the marriage, but not if it is going nowhere. She needs to also see the signs and maybe tell us more of her concerns. THen we can get a clearer picture.
some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set
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Full of Hopes
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Quote Full of Hopes Replybullet Posted: 18 September 2009 at 9:11pm
Originally posted by UmmAmara

ASA,

I think the best thing for our sister is for us 2 give her advice that will be best for her marriage.Reading some few posts here...many sisters give the impressions that they can never stay with a man like this...but have u heard of the saying that says..'From the frying pan into the fire?'...
.


  Asslamu Alaikum

  I think you want to say, if she feels herself in a trouble, why should I make her feel it worse? When sister Salam reads these posts saying, if I were in your place, I would  not accept, maybe she feels she is sad or sorry lower than other women who posted we do not accept it.

   I think that is what sister Amara wanted to say .

 But as sisters Martha and Hayfa said, she does not mention any willing to fight. And on the other hand, these comments like what some sisters replied: if we were in your place we would do so and so, can make her feel relieved and relax into ways:

 1- She will take it easy, they are making jokes to let her feel happier.
 2- She will not blame herself for anything, other women and men are with her in her opinion.
 
  Sister, I know we should obey our men and treat them in the good Islamic way, but some women become so boring when they do not say NO to the men when they do not give them their rights. Some think that the obedience mean, I have no right to express myself and state my right in front of the man. We are not their slaves, Islam says that we are their wives. We share them the life. If they do not understand that, the life can not be safe and remain.
     Sister, Amara, I see, we should obey men but they should respect us and feel of us.
 If she wants her hubby to be back,  I think she is already obeying but she needs to understand her problem more.

 I pray to Allah the most Merciful to help you sister Salam. I really want  you to be happy with your husband. It is common to have these problems in the beginning but later on you will know each other more.
 Take care.





Edited by Full of Hopes - 19 September 2009 at 7:26pm
And whoever seeks a religion other than Islâm, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)
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Full of Hopes
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Quote Full of Hopes Replybullet Posted: 19 September 2009 at 10:03am
Originally posted by salaam123

Originally posted by Full of Hopes


  


Salaam Full of Hopes. I understand what you mean, but the only reason I was looking at how to be a better Islamically was because I grew up in Canada, my parents never talked to us about Islam in marriage and what not because they thought I guess we would pick it up ourselves and we would know. My husband grew up in an Islamic country, so I hope you can understand that I thought maybe there was something that I didn't know and he did but wasn't telling me.

As for the dressing and makeup...sister believe me I ALWAYS try, everyday to make sure I look nice for my husband because I always thought if I don't look good for him, he may focus on another woman that does look good. You know?

Everyday I do my makeup alittle different, maybe different eyeshadow or different colour lipstick. I wear dresses for him all the time at home because I know he likes it.

But anyways that's why I wanted to see if there was something as a Muslim women I wasn't doing. And I did look that up too...how to be a good Muslim wife and what's expected of a wife and all that.

Thanks for your comments



  Wa Alaikum Asslam

  Sister, I did not say you do not care of your appearance. I never said that. I believe you do. I was just saying have some time for fun and your own life. It is really good you want to be a good Muslim wife for him, but because I care for you so much and I want to help you, I am telling you this. Some wives want to be good Muslims but worry too much until the men get bored. I know many like this, I want you to a ware of this and do not do like them.

  Sister, I just feel you are a VERY good Mulism. You desrve a happy life. May Allah bless you.

And whoever seeks a religion other than Islâm, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)
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