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Family Matter
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 15 September 2009 at 3:01am
Asalaam ALaikum,

Well you know they say you really never know a person until you live with them.. .that seems pretty true to me.

And sis, why would you know he is so focused on these petty matters? I mean like Full of Hopes said, some men use it as an excuse.  There must be something else going on..

Porn: this is another example of a greater issue.

I do not really know what to say, it all depends upon what type of person YOU are. Make duas.. some women would confront about these issues, others won't. There is no reason why such filth is in your house. 

Does he have any relatives who would speak to him? Would he listen to a respected elder / Imam?

My 'guess' is that the reality has sunk in with him. You are not Iranian. Marriage is about WORK. Some people are just lazy. They do not want to work.  What we call the 'honeymoon' period is over. Marriage takes two to make it work.

Here are some options
1. Sit and discuss these aspects of your marriage. When you are calm. Ask him  why did he marry a nonIranian woman if he did not want the inter-cultural lifestyle? He may not have known. But either he accepts you are not mama or it will be tough.
2. Bring in a relative or other outside person to talk with him
3. Go to marriage counseling
4. Do or say nothing.
5. Pray
6. Take time off. Go to visit your family or friends. Tell him you will not be treated in such a manner. The Prophet (PBUH) never treated his wives in such a manner. And we should all be striving.

Yes we should try in our marriages but really, why is he married to you? Frankly I see this ALL the time. Women practically make themselves doormats and get stepped on.  Let's face it, many men in other cultures get very spoiled. They have not been raised to be men.

There is civil decourum and sadly some people miss that. When I was listening to a lecture recently on Rights and Responsibilites of Marriage the lecturer was saying most people marry and do not really focus on that. Both of you have them. And that is that.

"Adult Web sites" YOu know I HATE that stuff. As a woman, I find that all SO demeaning to women. And if you are pass the age of 18 and look at that stuff.. GROSS. Now that is me. a goodfriend of mine (she is nonMuslim) I know her boyfriend has that on his computer. I have not told her. But it SO grosses me out, he is 47.. that I have little to do with him. Its like grow up. GRRRRR

Sister: please check your instinct about what is going on in your marriage. Do you REALLY think it is about potatoes??

It is good he married you instead of me.. if he had yelled at me about potatoes... he'd be sleeping with a big bag of them....lol. 

My Duas for you.

Hayfa



When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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fatmah
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Quote fatmah Replybullet Posted: 16 September 2009 at 7:07am
Dear Sister
 
we have been in Ramadhan, so please try to talk with your husban even if he is the one wrong. Muslim people should not stay angry with each other for more than 3days, did u know that?
 
I have recenlty listened to a bayaan, in which the maulana said, that men should not talk badly with their wifes, our prophet treated is wifes with kindness. If we as women do something that is wrong or unpleasant to them, they should talk kindly to us and make us understand that what we did was wrong, or unpleasant and they prefer things some other way.
 
Our religion is one...so there are no iranians, arab, english...we are all musslim, our roots are the same.
 
The problem with food is a very common problem, but men react in diffrent ways...
 
When you unplease him, patiantly say "i'm sorry", "how do u prefer me to do this?", "ok, do u anyone who cooks this the way u like, i will be pleased to learn""or call your mum, i'll talk to her, maybe she can explain how she cooks this or that"...
 
If still then he treats you badly or unkindly, he is in great sin and Allah will punish him. Talk to him as a grown up, u know men normally act very much like children and are childish by nature, expecting us to do things just like their mum's do. You need to explain him that u are not his mother, but you can learn few stuff just to please him because u love him. tell him that what he is doing is hurting u, and u didnt expect this from him as u are trying your best...talk, communicate..if he is a hard person to talk with ..then write him..tell him about your feelings...and make duaa for Allah to grant him knowledge to see his mistakes...
 
If he is behaving in an unproper way with u or unusual, ask him if he has a problem...if anything is wrong...
 
Men have certain obligations or duties towards women as well as these latter have towards them. Maybe he needs to understand that, each one of you have duties towards your marriage and need to help each other so you can live happily and educate your children, and be in society as husband and wife.
 
there are a million people who don't have food that certainly would eat with both hands what you cook...it's really a misbehaviour to reject food or complaint instead of making alhamdulilah...
 
My husband only liked his mum's food. So i learned a couple things with her to cook for him. He didn't like spaghetti. He didn't like because he never ate it, or never ate it the proper way of cooking it...and he refuse to taste it...One day i cooked for me and something else 4 him, and i insisted by feeding him with love in his mouth, i told him just to try...believe me that nowadays he only likes my spaghetti, and he will ask for it at least once in a week...he still doesn't like veggies, but slowly, he will...
 
I didn't know how to cook b4 getting married, as i was always busy with my studies...i learned two dishes with my in laws, and started to cook alone, with my own ideas or watching tv, creating new stuff...but there is always something that they like as their mums cook...its mummy's taste!we as women also like certain things that only our mum's know to do best.
 
mum's are the best cook always!
Don't give up in ur marriage and on you! Communicate, try...cry in front of him if u need to express urself, but keep on trying.
 
Hope to hear from u soon.
Salams and eid mubarak
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Shasta'sAunt
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Quote Shasta'sAunt Replybullet Posted: 16 September 2009 at 9:52am
Salaams Sister:
 
Porn and potatoes..... hmmmmm. I don't want to joke about this because it is very serious to you, but you have to admit there are about a thousand jokes just waiting to be told...
 
Obviously something is going on in his head and until you find out what it is things will probably stay the same or get worse. IF you really want to know what it is then you might have to go to an Imam or third party for help. You should be prepared for the consequences though.
 
I agree with Hayfa, if a man yelled at me for chopping potatoes well, those taters would have ended up somewhere and not necessarily chopped. Wink
 
If it were me, I think I would be focusing a little less on him and more on whether or not I wanted to be married to a man who refused to talk to me for 6 days over something so petty.  I know you are confused and trying to figure out what is going wrong, but just stop for a minute and ask yourself if this is what YOU want.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
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abuayisha
 
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 16 September 2009 at 10:54am
Is it at all possible that maybe cooking for you is just another chore in a long list of other household duties, thus you are quickly preparing meals to move on to other daily functions?  When asked to prepare the meal for your husband and his co-workers were you upset about this request? I'd assume that your husband would not be this angry unless the felt you somehow intentionally or with little care, did not make the dish properly.  Maybe some sort of food processor would be helpful in chopping and dicing to save you time and please your husband.  "My wife can't cook" is a common complaint from men.  Hopefully with patience, communication, love and understanding you two can work around this problem.
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 17 September 2009 at 8:06am
Salams Abuayisha,

I have a question, why do you assume that he is only angry for his perceived 'lack of effort' on her part? Shouldn't he assume the best of intentions? Wed should try and make excuses for people.  And it is not Islamic for him, no matter her intentions, to not talk to her for 6 days!

Marriage is about showing mercy to each other. How can she KNOW how to cook like his mother.. that is an unreasonable expectation.

Even if they are not up to standards. He should help her.. not yell lat her. Just pointless.
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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martha
 
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Quote martha Replybullet Posted: 17 September 2009 at 8:52am
Maybe she should tell him there is a potato shortage, lol.
 
Seriously though, this often happens with husbands. Their expectations of the wife are too high. Imagine how this husband would feel if the sister told him how useless he was in some areas. I expect he would demand a divorce.
 
Men are often cruel...it's an ego thing...hang what religion they come from. Women act upon heart feelings...most like to please their man. Men are different. Just today I was talking to a man who is facing the prospect of being seperated from his wife for some time. His answer to that? Well, he was going to take another wife as he is a 'man' and can;t live without sex!
I don't understand this attitude at all. HIs wife, as does the sister who posted this has my sympathy.
 
Seems men find women disposable...and then move on to another wife. Or keeps the existing wife and makes her feel useless.  Men..who needs them, lol.
some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set
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abuayisha
 
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 17 September 2009 at 12:41pm

Unfortunately when we only have an opportunity to hear one side of the story, I can only make assumptions and "what ifs" concerning why her husband would take such a position over what seems trivial.  As they say, "the devil is in the details" and we really only have her story, which is stated in general terms.  Hey, just maybe the guy isn't such a jerk, but has some reasonable explanation for the behavior his wife has articulated. 

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martha
 
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Quote martha Replybullet Posted: 17 September 2009 at 1:53pm
Originally posted by abuayisha

Unfortunately when we only have an opportunity to hear one side of the story, I can only make assumptions and "what ifs" concerning why her husband would take such a position over what seems trivial.  As they say, "the devil is in the details" and we really only have her story, which is stated in general terms.  Hey, just maybe the guy isn't such a jerk, but has some reasonable explanation for the behavior his wife has articulated. 

 
Salaams,
You are quite right brother.  Who really knows what is going on. But she believes what she believes...
Lol, Christians and muslims also behave like married couples at times don't you agree? Sad we do not allow ourselves to be more gentle with eachother.
Let's hope this sister is able to resolve her problems soon.
BUt I hope for her sake this husband of hers isn't a jerk. Maybe his parents didn't teach him very well how to deal with other people. Who knows...
 
 
some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set
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