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salaam123
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Quote salaam123 Replybullet Topic: Husband Issues
    Posted: 11 September 2009 at 4:06pm
Hi everyone,

I recently got married about 5months ago, and my husband and I are have st**id problems all the time.  Most of the time it is about my cooking, he grew up in Iran...I have never been there or had their food.  He gets mad when I can't make the same dishes his mom made for him. If that's not the problem then he gets mad at how i cut things up (say potatoes) in the dishes, or he says it doesn't taste good, or some other excuse.
Just 2 days ago he asked me to cook some food for him and 4 of his co workers so he can take it to work so the can break their fasts. I said ok, made some rice, salad and a beef curry.
He came home to pick it up and got really angry at me because he didn't like how I had cut up the potatoes in the curry and said the food wasn't going to be enough. and left home without saying bye or anything.
He came home at night and there was quite abit of food left over.  I thought maybe it didn't taste good, so I had some myself and it was fine.
He hasn't talked to me since then, and I'm refusing to give in for this one. I don't think I did anything wrong, and I don;'t think it's ok for him to make me feel like a horrible wife or less of a person.
Am I over-reacting? Should I not let this bother me? I'm starting to hate being married and everyday that goes by that he doesn't talk to me and everytime that we fight over something st**id like this I start to like him less and less.
Is the problem me? Do you people think I'm doing something horrible that I can't see...or is he just being a jerk?
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Shasta'sAunt
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Quote Shasta'sAunt Replybullet Posted: 12 September 2009 at 1:28pm
Potatoes? Really?
 
O.K. If he is refusing to talk to you because of the way you cut the potatoes then he is definitely being a jerk.
 
Perhaps it's an Iranian thing. Maybe in Iran a wife is judged by her potato prowess. It doesn't matter how pious, kind, intelligent or beautiful she is, just how well she peels a spud....
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
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Pati
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Quote Pati Replybullet Posted: 12 September 2009 at 2:17pm
Originally posted by salaam123


Is the problem me?


ABSOLUTELY NO!!!

Dear Sister,

Just tell him: if you want me to cook like your mother, please, teach me because I don't know how does she do it!

Cool down and try to arrive to an agreement with him. First of all, you are not his slave, you are his wife, and you have your own costumes and way of cooking. I understand that he loved his mother food too much (myself to, I love my mother's food!!! But I will never reject whatever my boyfriend or husband cooks because my mother's way was different).

Just try to talk with him in nice way, and to ask him for understanding the situation (that is so clear... how does he expects you cooking the same way that his mother? It's so typical!!).

But dear, if you, yourself, think that your food is OK, it's OK. He can understand that you are not his mother or not, but don't blame yourself.

Another option... tell him to cook!!! If he knows how to do it, why is he wasting his time and yours?

All the best, dear, and be strong. Now, you are in the most difficult part of the marriage, just knowing each other. You have to face with courage and patience.

Patricia
No God wants the killing, but the peace.
The weapons are carried by people, not by religions.
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 12 September 2009 at 4:07pm
Asalaam Alaikum,

How old is he?? Maybe it does not matter.. If he is mad at how you cut your potatoes.. well... seriously is this his level of thinking??? Its a potato...

Maybe you should sweetly ask him to show you how to cut a potato.. honestly.. I am trying to be helpful.

But really we are all going to die and he is worried about if you cook like his mama??? He needs to speak to other men who are married..

Besides you are under no obligation to chop his potatoes..

I certainly would not put up with being yelled at... that is a big NO NO.

Maybe buy him a bucket of potatoes and ask him to demo.. and you need to see them ALL Chopped..
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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salaam123
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Quote salaam123 Replybullet Posted: 13 September 2009 at 2:16am
Thanks for the replies everyone.
You know the worst thing? He had told me like a month ago that if the potatoes are small to cut them in half instead of 4 like i always do. So that say I cut them in half and he still got mad.
He still isn't talking to me...it's day 6.
And Hayfa he is 27...yup 27 alittle old to be so immature.
I don't know what to do anymore.

Oh and want to know something even worse? I came on the computer tonight after he used it, and he has changed our desktop background...from a picture from our wedding to pyramids....Unhappy
I want to crawl under a rock and die, he is being really mean

And also I checked the history on our computer for what websites he has seen and he has watched to adult videos...I don't know what I'm suppose to do.
All this time I have been researching websites on how to be a better MUSLIM and be a better MUSLIM wife...and he is going around doing things that are UNIslamic and haram.

We were engaged for a year and a half and I never had problems like this with him before. The longest he would not talk to me is maybe a day or two.

And why are all messages pending approval?


Edited by salaam123 - 14 September 2009 at 3:45pm
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Full of Hopes
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Quote Full of Hopes Replybullet Posted: 13 September 2009 at 4:59pm

  Asslamu Alaikum

  Sister Salam, I completely understand your situation and feel of you. My brother did the same with his wife and we use to blame him for that.
Food or cooking is not important for a happy family. There are more important issues for being happy and satisfied. Your hubby has to see this point soon or later. But as Pati said these problems are common for the new married couples.
  Just be more patient and take your time to know each other.

  I also hope you try to impress him by your own taste. Be more patient and try not discuss with him his mom's way of cooking. Make him mindful with your new taste any way of cooking.  Get more cooking books and learn new dishes his mom sure doesn't know.  Search the web and look for Iranian cooking forums. Of course do not show him you are learning or trying to improve yourself. Smile and calm down when he gets mad. Show him your love to him. Get him a way from the cooking discussing.
I do not see the point in  making troubles because of cooking. Life is big. We should not be limited and narrow in our thinking.

  There are many women I know who are chefs but they are not happy in their lives.


  Sister do not let him make you lose your self confidence.  Because this happened to my cousin. She lost her patience and hated herself. Do not do her mistake. Look at your own good qualities. Your family and friends had tasted your food and liked it so you are fine.

  Here I got you some Iranian Cooking Books:

 1-   http://www.amazon.com/New-Food-Life-Ancient-Ceremonies/dp/0934211345

   2- http://www.farhangsara.com/foods.htm

   3- http://www.mage.com/cookbooks.html

   I hope you like that. Wink

  and sister please forgive me for telling this. I really want to help you. 
 I do not mean any harm but I know so many men think in that way in my society. I would like to share you this.
   My brother is divorced. He got married two times and end with divorce. May Allah keep you and your hubby to gather for ever.
  The first wife did not know how to boil an egg. She was very spoiled. I liked her but here I am telling the truth. She used to sleep the whole day and wake up at night. He brings the dinner from a restaurant and they have it together. but the thing is that he loved her so much and cares for her a lot. They lived in this way 5 years. We were really surprised; living with  the restaurant food. After that a serious problem with his friend made her request divorce. She was mad until he decided to do what she wanted. 
   After one year he got married to another woman. The surprise is that after short time he did serious problems guess why? He said she doesn't cook  very yummy. He wants her to be a chef.  He wakes her early to prepare the breakfast and  wants her to cook 3 meals while I know my brother very well he does not care for food at all. He can eat any thing. But because he doesn't like something with this one he is looking for cooking, the clean home and tiny  things.
  I see when a man doesn't like something in the woman he followed her tiny mistakes to show her he has an excuse to blame her.
  Sister I do not mean you. I am looking with you for possible reasons.
 When a man likes a woman he will not have the time to focus on cooking or blame her for the house furniture. He likes her own good qualities. But when he is  bored of her for some reason. he start looking for silly excuses to blame her: the cooking- the tidy rooms- the clothes- the kids and so on  so that when he leaves her she sees that was her own fault. Believe me when a man likes a woman it has nothing to do with cooking or house work.
 May be your men differ but so many men here use this trick to be away of being not fair.
  And this happens  a lot when the man thinks that his wife  is just boring. I can not go farther than that.
  But for example some women are really boring!!   Frankly, they do not know how to deal with the men. So put in your schedule reading books about family life and how to treat men. This will help a lot.

    Please stay with your  hubby and discuss everything in your family life. What he likes and what he dislikes. Do not ignore any part in your life.

      I hope I helped you.  You are my sister in Islam. I do not mean  any harm and forgive me if I did without my intention.


 

  


Edited by Full of Hopes - 13 September 2009 at 9:32pm
And whoever seeks a religion other than Islâm, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)
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Allah First
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Quote Allah First Replybullet Posted: 14 September 2009 at 7:15am
Originally posted by Full of Hopes


Asalaam Aleikum, Full of hopes, It's like reading my story. It's true that when a man loves you he sees nothing of the negative, when that fades or when reality sets in (being in love for me is temp state of mind), then he starts picking on the tiniest things.
I'm sure he knew when he married you that he was not marrying his mum. You are your own package that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. You both need to compromise. You both need to understand each other , you were meant to be together by Allah's decree so that you can understand and continue to strenghten the Ummah. Believe me, even if he had someone who cut his potatoes just right, he will find something else. Potatoes!!!!!!!!!!! Mine told me that he used to eat such delicious food , different food everyday. Hmm! I went to his country of birth, stayed for a month and only twice the dishes were different. Imagine having the same soup 3 times a day. Please! Sister I'm now divorced and I can tell you my biggest regret is putting myself LAST. He continued to abuse his status and it made me very insecure, Marriage is hard, don't give up but don't ever give up on yourself. Ask for advice when you are really ready to listen and change, do your best and Allah (swt) will take care of the rest.
But be careful to cut the potatoes just right next time :). Smile pray to Allah he'll make it better for you.



  Asslamu Alaikum   Sister Salam, I completely understand your situation and feel of you. My brother did the same with his wife and we use to blame him for that.Food or cooking is not important for a happy family. There are more important issues for being happy and satisfied. Your hubby has to see this point soon or later. But as Pati said these problems are common for the new married couples.  Just be more patient and take your time to know each other.  I also hope you try to impress him by your own taste. Be more patient and try not discuss with him his mom's way of cooking. Make him mindful with your new taste any way of cooking.  Get more cooking books and learn new dishes his mom sure doesn't know.  Search the web and look for Iranian cooking forums. Of course do not show him you are learning or trying to improve yourself. Smile and calm down when he gets mad. Show him your love to him. Get him a way from the cooking discussing.I do not see the point in  making troubles because of cooking. Life is big. We should not be limited and narrow in our thinking.   There are many women I know who are chefs but they are not happy in their lives.  Sister do not let him make you lose your self confidence.  Because this happened to my cousin. She lost her patience and hated herself. Do not do her mistake. Look at your own good qualities. Your family and friends had tasted your food and liked it so you are fine.  Here I got you some Iranian Cooking Books: 1-   http://www.amazon.com/New-Food-Life-Ancient-Ceremonies/dp/0934211345   2- http://www.farhangsara.com/foods.htm   3- http://www.mage.com/cookbooks.html   I hope you like that. [IMG]smileys/smiley2.gif" align="absmiddle" alt="Wink" />  and sister please forgive me for telling this. I really want to help you.   I do not mean any harm but I know so many men think in that way in my society. I would like to share you this.   My brother is divorced. He got married two times and end with divorce. May Allah keep you and your hubby to gather for ever.  The first wife did not know how to boil an egg. She was very spoiled. I liked her but here I am telling the truth. She used to sleep the whole day and wake up at night. He brings the dinner from a restaurant and they have it together. but the thing is that he loved her so much and cares for her a lot. They lived in this way 5 years. We were really surprised; living with  the restaurant food. After that a serious problem with his friend made her request divorce. She was mad until he decided to do what she wanted.     After one year he got married to another woman. The surprise is that after short time he did serious problems guess why? He said she doesn't cook  very yummy. He wants her to be a chef.  He wakes her early to prepare the breakfast and  wants her to cook 3 meals while I know my brother very well he does not care for food at all. He can eat any thing. But because he doesn't like something with this one he is looking for cooking, the clean home and tiny  things.  I see when a man doesn't like something in the woman he followed her tiny mistakes to show her he has an excuse to blame her.  Sister I do not mean you. I am looking with you for possible reasons. When a man likes a woman he will not have the time to focus on cooking or blame her for the house furniture. He likes her own good qualities. But when he is  bored of her for some reason. he start looking for silly excuses to blame her: the cooking- the tidy rooms- the clothes- the kids and so on  so that when he leaves her she sees that was her own fault. Believe me when a man likes a woman it has nothing to do with cooking or house work.  May be your men differ but so many men here use this trick to be away of being not fair.  And this happens  a lot when the man thinks that his wife  is just boring. I can not go farther than that.   But for example some women are really boring!!   Frankly, they do not know how to deal with the men. So put in your schedule reading books about family life and how to treat men. This will help a lot.    Please stay with your  hubby and discuss everything in your family life. What he likes and what he dislikes. Do not ignore any part in your life.       I hope I helped you.  You are my sister in Islam. I do not mean  any harm and forgive me if I did without my intention.    
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Akhe Abdullah
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Quote Akhe Abdullah Replybullet Posted: 14 September 2009 at 8:49am
As Salamu Alaikum Salaam123,Welcome to the forum,Pati and Hayfa has a good point,try asking him.F.O.H also have a good point you two are newly weds(Alhamduillah) and you should get to know eachother better(likes,dislikes).In Islam there is no dating(without Wali)and there might not be this form of dating at all for some.I think that it is very important to know if someone(husban or wife) has annoying habbits,mude swings,if they are abusive(men or women)the problem in Islam you dont know alot of these things until you are married.Anyways Trust in Allah and everything will work out.
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