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Family Matter
 IslamiCity Forum - Islamic Discussion Forum : Culture & Community : Family Matter
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fais
 
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Quote fais Replybullet Topic: I wanna save my marraige
    Posted: 25 August 2009 at 12:39am

Dear sisters,

I am sorry for entering this forum as it is for women only i think,but my problem can be well understood by a woman than any male so i am here seeking your advise,
 
I got married 2 years back in saudi arabia with my seconf cousin,she is wonderful lady full of life and with a very clean heart,its love marraige and it took a great effort for us to convince her father for this marraige,
 
she fell in love with me 4 years back and she was mad about me,whatever i say whatever i do she was really interested,then after a 2 yr longdistance relation as she was in saudi and i was in india we finally got married,now according to the saudi system girl get married first in sharia court and then the boy gets time to set all the things for the girl and then take formally with a valima party.
 
after marraige i had to go back to india as i had a fight with my employer,now i am here after one year,she is still with her father and i plan to take her with me in november.
after this gap of one year she has developed a starnge disease,when ever i approach her for sex she gets a very bad smell from me and this forces her to hate sex,and recently she also complaint that when she talk to me she feels suffocated and just want to hang up as soon as possible and this has created a great problem for me as i am alone in riyadh and now a days her good qualities like her high confidence and ability to handle difficult situations makes me feel inferior,this is happeneing since she has become very mechanical to me on the phone and her nonparticipation in any of the sexual talk.
 
earlier she loved to be physical with me but now even the thought of it horrifies her,last time we had a fight on the phone as she was rude to me for no reason and i made her cry when she was attending a party and i was and i agree i did a mistake and i said sorry to her,but after this incident she dont me that she might leave me.
 
now the girl who chose me leaving all the rich boys with saudi nationality with high income,the girl who loved me says that she might leave me if this problem continues.
 
i am really surprised with her,i left the whole world behind for her,my career,my house everything for her and because of this badsmell problem she says she might leave me,she sounds so selfish i know she has problem,the smell is so bad that she feel like vomiting but instead of finding a solution she says time will solve this problem.
 
I think this is a problem of al ain which means bad eye of someone on our relation or it is possible that someone has done seher on her means black magic,but she is not interested in taking any step to solve this problem accept reading sura bakra.i fight with her frequently and she is just happy with my thought and not my presence,she loves me a lot and i adont want to leave her.


Edited by icforumadmin - 29 August 2009 at 6:15am
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Full of Hopes
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Quote Full of Hopes Replybullet Posted: 25 August 2009 at 11:39pm
i am sorry for u brother. May Allah help. I have no idea about ur situation & what 2 do. But i want 2 say be more patient, the other members may take time 2 reply to ur question but soon they will. All get busy because of work & Ramadan. Seek the help from Allah.
Also the men know alot, ask them they can help u.
And whoever seeks a religion other than Islâm, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)
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fais
 
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Quote fais Replybullet Posted: 27 August 2009 at 12:43am

Salam,

Dear sister,

thnx for your dua,just pray that she again fall in love with me as i cant stay without her,you know my wife is born and brought up in saudi culture and i am from india,some how  i feel saudi culture is very open to talaq,you know when she took advice from her friends about our relation all told her to take talaq from me ,in india we dont take talaq so easily.Talaq is the most hateful thing to Allah which he is permitted by law.

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Pati
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Quote Pati Replybullet Posted: 28 August 2009 at 7:41am
Hi fais,

Well, I am sorry to tell you but I understand her. In my company, there are a lot of Indians, and their smell is awful!! I am always avoiding to go with them in the elevator because I cannot... If I meet one of them (well, to be honest, not all of them are having this bad smell, but most of them are) first time in the morning, I cannot even take my breakfast because of it!!

The problem is with the kind of food you are taking, with to much spices, that are making your personal smell to much strong.

Really, I can understand her perfectly, because I just work with those man, but I cannot imagine myself just hugging one!!! I am sorry, but it's very very serious problem.

Another thing I understand from her, is the sexual conversations through the phone. Men doesn't need too much efforts to get excited, but for us as women, the most important thing are the touch, the kisses, the kindness... and the telephone is not the place to meet it. I understand your needs as man, but right now, what you have to do is to understand her as woman, and I think you are not doing.

My suggestion? First of all, change your diet. Try to stop using spices in your food and your body smell will start changing (it will take time, it's not a miracle). Secondly, regarding sexual intercourses, go slowly. Show her that for you, the most important thing is to be with her, not the sex. Hug her, kiss her, stay close to her, but don't look for sex. She is your wife, and she will come to you as soon as she can, but be sure that it's difficult for her too, you are not the only one having pain.

And as Full of Hopes said, be patience, if you love her, show her that the most important is what she feels and you will please her.

Well, I hope you will not get angry, I am not racist but that's truth, for us the Indians smell is so bad that we cannot stand with it ConfusedConfused

Good luck,
Patricia


Edited by Pati - 28 August 2009 at 10:39am
No God wants the killing, but the peace.
The weapons are carried by people, not by religions.
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fais
 
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Quote fais Replybullet Posted: 29 August 2009 at 3:19am

Hello sister,

i think you did not understand me properly,its a love marraige and she married me with her choice,when year back i was in saudi i was going to meet her ocasinally at fathers house and she loved my smell,infact she was one who explained me that smell plays an important role,we both are indians and she is my second cousin,we eat same kind of food.its not my diet its somthing supernatuaral,you earlier she was crazy to talk to me butnow she jus feel suffocated to talk to me,you know she says she hate sex and it is the problem of bad eye we muslim call it al ain.you know lip kiss was the best thing she liked with me but now she just hate it.
 
i agree onething is i should not go for direct sex with her and try to convince her,but you she says she dont love me and dont want live with me.you know its like the saudi culture we get married first on papers and then boy gets some time to arrange all things for girl and then a formal reception and then finally take to home.but before this she say now that i dont wann stay with you.
 
i left the whole world for her and she wants to leave me without even finding a solution to this matter of al ain.
 
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Quote Pati Replybullet Posted: 29 August 2009 at 6:11am
Sorry for the misunderstanding, fais,

Well, I think that if things are this way, you have only three options:

- To go to a muslim scholar asking for advice
- To go to a doctor (I am not sure about the al ain, really, it may be a psychological problem caused by something she saw, heard, dreamed... we cannot control our minds sometimes, even if we try).
- Stop everything without fighting.

Myself, I would choose the second one, going to the doctor and checking. All what you talked about is something coming from the mind, and not from the heart.

But, again, wait for her with patience. Don't blame her, and try to understand her and her pain. Try to be generous with her, help her in everything you can, and show her that your heart is clean. Try to make her fall in love again with you.

I don't know if you are living with her now... well, if the answer is positive, my suggestion: cook for her her favourite food, get ready the table in special way, make a cake (or buy it if you don't know how to), and get ready to stay the whole night talking with her about old times, about the same things you where talking during the engagement period. Try to come back to that days, and don't forget one thing: even if you want her, don't even touch her. Just show her that you want to stay with her no matter any other thing.

I hope it will work as starting point. And if it was not working... try to go with the doctor with her.

Another very important thing: you can pray together before the dinner. It's a very special moment.

Best wishes fais,
Patricia
No God wants the killing, but the peace.
The weapons are carried by people, not by religions.
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Quote Full of Hopes Replybullet Posted: 29 August 2009 at 7:54am

   Asslamu Alikum..

   My sister Pati, let me first explain to you the word ain.

When you have something VERY VERY good.. for example: you are wealthy, you have a dimond skin, you get very good marks in exams,, your hubby loves you so much..and so on...anything good or special. Some people envy you, which is highly frowned at in Islam. These people may affect you till you lose that good thing you have just by the willing of Allah. Prophet, peace be upon him, ordered us if we see something very good we say: Tabarak Allah, in order not to cause harm to any one else. I don't understand the relationship between ain and magic. This is my humble information...


BUT brother..


I don't know a lot about your case I just want to say something very important.

Of course we don't deny al-ain because it is in Hadith but some people have kind of obsession with it. They think that every problem happen to them is from this eye. And the result is that they stop looking for a logical solution and start blaming others for that ain.

I don't mean you brother at all. Please don't missunderstand me, but I'am talking about a serious problem we face in Saudi Arabia in general. People are sick of that magic eye or "ain".

For example, some students don't study for the exam, when they fail they say oh.. that is ain.
Some women don't care of there smell or cleaning when they get divorce or hated by there hubbies, they say it is ain. Some ugly girls ,I know I am sorry for this word but seriously, when they have skin disease they say oh we were very attarctive till that ain reaches us..


How sad!!!

Islam doesn't each us ain to throw every thing on ain. Islam doesn't want us to give up or submit when we face a trouble. NO.. Allah, Suhanah, wants us to try again and again and fight until we know the truth and solve the problems.

   So brother don't think of that ain a lot, just stay with her and discuss that with her honestly without limits. Ask her what she desires and likes you to do. Tell her you like her and ready to do anything to solve the problem. Ask her about the smell .. I mean let her give you more explanation about what kind of smell it is. .. Tell her you tried to change that smell. You as I think need more self-confidence in this case, don't compare yourself to the Saudi guys and think she might leave you because of them, think of your own good qualities that she likes in you.   

I don't know if this is helpful. This is just my humble opinion. I am still not an expert... I'm sorry..





Edited by Full of Hopes - 31 August 2009 at 8:25am
And whoever seeks a religion other than Islâm, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)
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fais
 
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Quote fais Replybullet Posted: 30 August 2009 at 3:15am

Hello sister,

nice to have suggestions from you,let me tell you i am not staying with her as my marraige is still like engagement an i intend to take her with me in november the hajj holidays,

i know it can be treated by phycological treatment but my bad luck is she dont want to discuss anything with me exept for saying to keep away.

i will get 10days to spend with her inshallah in ramadan eid so i will try to convince her,last night i called her and cried like mad on phone but still she dint melt she is adamant to leave i think,she  always says that allah will do the best for us.and she says she dont love me.but i will try your trick insha allah.plz sisters pray for me.

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