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Family Matter
 IslamiCity Forum - Islamic Discussion Forum : Culture & Community : Family Matter
Message Icon Topic: Guidance in "Divorce" Post Reply Post New Topic
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Ayah Love
 
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Quote Ayah Love Replybullet Topic: Guidance in "Divorce"
    Posted: 18 February 2009 at 5:02pm
A Saalaam Alaikum
I have been with my "husband" for 8 yrs now.  We have never been officially married through Islam or legally.  When we met, we were not Muslims, but his Father and step mother were. 
 
A couple of years ago, I took it upon myself to begin studying Islam and I fell in love.  He said that he too wanted to practice Islam.  Since then I have learned so much of the family structure and the rights and responsibilities and I have attempted to change our lives accordingly.
 
Because he is supposed to be the head and leader, I wait for him to lead and he does not.  We have been fighting for most of our relationship and I see that it is because we do not have the right foundation.  Now, here we are four children later and I am coming to accept that he never will submit to Islam. 
 
I want so much to have a more solid leader with kindness, love and respect among us and it is not happening.  I need for my children to have this... what can I do?  How can I change my circumstances?  I still want a husband... A real Muslim... a loving, kind, progressive, wonderful leader who will help me as well to be a better person.
 
What can I do? Please help me?
 
Thank you
Ayah
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 19 February 2009 at 12:42pm
Hello Ayah,
Welcome to the forum...


my prayers are with you.. it is tough to 'see' things that you want changed and knowing it is a challenge and can be a tough road.. may Allah ease your journey.

Let me ask: have you become a Muslim, it sounds like you are but I did nor want to make assumptions..

Can you give a couple of examples of what you are fighting about?

Is it that he is 'content' with the way your lives are? This can happen when one person's life starts going in a very different direction.. how to keep it together.

Have you been Islamically married? I would think if not that it should happen as soon as possible.

My duas are with you...

Hayfa


When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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Ayah Love
 
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Quote Ayah Love Replybullet Posted: 20 February 2009 at 7:56pm
Thank you for your prayers, Hayfa,
 
I have become a Muslim.  Yet, even before becoming Islam specifically, I have loved and sought to be near to the Creator, the Most High.
 
We have not been Islamically married although I have agreed to it.  We do not attend a Masjid and I have found myself waiting for him to take steps towards initiating it.  We have argued about this as well.  I am not sure if I should initiate this, plan it... and just basically "invite him." 
 
We argue mostly about me expressing my needs and desires for more "togetherness," and a more structured life especially when it comes to the raising and educating of our children.  I am semi-confident in how I think I should be raising our children, yet I learn so much the more I study Islam.  I really want to be sharing this with him so that we are on the same page and not butting heads.
 
He let me know that he is just not comfortable with his spirituality right now and I understand that.  I also understand that Allah is the ONE who unveils ones eyes or veils them.  He has a Quran that he keeps on his desk, but does not open it. 
 
Should I be patient for the work of Allah, or maybe just accept that this is not his path of choice?
 
I am grateful and I thank you so much for your time.
 
Ayah Love
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 25 February 2009 at 8:00am

Salaams,

 

I really think people who become Muslim who are married to nonMuslim people or nominal Muslims face a hard choice. Especially if kids are invovled. But it’s the same if one person’s life is traveling in a far different direction, be it involve Muslims or not.

 

Obviously you know that you will not be able to make anyone else do their prayers, be more dutiful etc. Is he actually a Muslim? If not than that may be a big issue…

 

If he is a Muslim then there are rights and duties that Muslims are obligated to do and/or attempt to do. This is why education is very important for people. For us ‘new’ Muslims we are a blank slate gaining knowledge. For born Muslims, they too, may have to override cultural norms and relearn true Islamic knowledge.

 

Level 1 would seem to be, is he preventing you from fulfilling your basic obligations-prayers, fast etc. If so, then you may have a stronger obligation to leave. Assuming that is not the case you go to the next level.

 

Level 2: the ability to live in an Islamic environment-our home. What it sounds like, is that you want to be moving towards creating a true Islamic home in which your children will be raised in. For women with children, raising those children to be good Muslims, with the right values is their jihad. It is what Allah is entrusting women to do.

 

Whether you wait or not, no one else can make that call for you. I would think that if he is not a Muslim then this would affect things more. There are plenty of Muslims, who go through ups and downs. But if he is not a Muslim, he may never become one, not that you don’t keep praying for HIS sake.

 

I think you are facing a tough decision... keep praying to Allah to guide you and make your hourney easier

 

Please keep us posed on how things are going.

Hayfa

 

When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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Ayah Love
 
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Quote Ayah Love Replybullet Posted: 02 March 2009 at 1:29pm
Thank you very much,

I think that you are right.  I indeed desire to build an Islamic household for my family.  I have accepted that this is not very important to him.  I accept that although he may say he wants to practice and he says that he wants an Islamic household... it is only because I say so and not his true desire.

I have decided that it is best for me to leave.  Yes, I will continue to pray for him and that he finds his way to the right path.

My faith for certain is with Allah to provide myself and my children with the means to support ourselves and for the right man to come into our lives to be that partner that Allah intended.

Thank you for your insight and your concerns.

Salaam
Ayah Love
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Quote Nausheen Replybullet Posted: 02 March 2009 at 8:08pm
If your husband is not a muslim in faith, then its a whole lot of a different issue. You must ask an Imam or Mufti where you live, for proper guidance in this matter.
 
If your husband has said his shahada but is not a practicing Muslim, then the issue is different. Like Hayfa said, we cannot choose for anyone their adherences and practices of Islam.
We can however change them with dua and our akhlaq (behavior) towards them.  InshAllah if you want to do this, it will require a lot of self disciplining and self-struggle. 
Otherwise you can just get out of this marriage and find someone who is on the same page of religion as you are ... this might as well not be simple though. 
 
You have to make a hard choice.  
 
May Allah be your guide.


Edited by Nausheen - 02 March 2009 at 8:09pm
Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa
Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena
wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.
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