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Family Matter
 IslamiCity Forum - Islamic Discussion Forum : Culture & Community : Family Matter
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Amir25
 
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Quote Amir25 Replybullet Topic: Family Issues
    Posted: 20 July 2008 at 3:56pm
Asalaam Alaikum brothers and sisters.
 
My name is Richard / Amir, and I have been seeing a girl for over 3 years, and we're really happy, but I have some serious issues to talk about, I am English and I reverted to Islam over 2 years ago Alhamdullilah.
 
The girl I been seeing is Pakistani and her family are giving her so much grief, its because I am white, no matter that I am a Muslim like her, practising aswell. I go to Jumah, pray, do all the things a Muslim should do, we have not had sexual relations because I respect her and Islam, but my dream would be marriage and I see this is so hard and it hurts so much. I need some real advice, I am more of a muslim than some of her family but it aint good enough and its all because I am white and I could hurt the families elders.
 
I am really hurt because of this backwards tradition, I am in love and would do anything for her and her family but it seems impossible and I cant handle it. I really need some help from any brothers or sisters out there that could help me, I am even going to take Urdu lessons to try to fit it. I have never done a thing wrong, but I am wrong in being White. Why is this fair? If I could marry her, all the problems would disappear into thin air, but I am so sad, I think of this issue all day every day for 3 years, her family are always horrible to her because of this issue, they found out once that we were seeing each other and they threatened her and it hurts so bad inside I cant explain.
 
I really wonder if anyone could give me suggestions to try to help me. I am such a nice guy I would do anything for her family to get me marry her, anything in the world.
 
Sorry for sharing these problems but I really am in need. thankyou for all who are reading.
 
Thankyou.
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Chrysalis
 
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Quote Chrysalis Replybullet Posted: 24 July 2008 at 5:25am

Wa'alaikum salaam Amir. . .

I dont think that the reason the girl's parents dislike you is because you are white - the reason they are against this entire issue is because Dating is not considered a lawful activity in Islam. . .
 
You could have been Chinese, Black, an Arab etc, if her family has Islamic values - they would still have disliked you. No muslim parent wants to see thier child dating.
 
Marriage would be the only option - however, before you take any such steps, you should give yourself time to dwell over the issue, and not make any emotional step. After all, marriage is a serious commitment. . . and are you sure this is love, and not a romantic fantasy you both have built around urselves?
 
Perhaps the elders DO have a backward notion of not marrying outside race/clan etc. But that is trivial - a marriage cannot/should not be prevented based on this alone.
 
I urge you to remain steadfast on your faith, and continue praying. However, I would also sincerely urge you to stop Dating . . . there is no such thing in Islam - and unlicensed romantic-contact b/w unmarried persons is wrong. (even if it be nonsexual)
 
Think about the issue a bit more, and if you still want to marry her - approach the Parents politely by stating that accord to Islam, there is no harm in inter-racial marriages, and what matters is that u both follow islam and are happy etc. . .
 
From a cultural perspective: Approach the Father, and make your honorable intentions known to him, tell him u will take good care of her etc, declarations of undying love are not required, just a polite, practical conversation. Tell him that you will be sending a formal proposal - have your parents meet them, etc and bring your family into the details. In the sub-continent, the Girl's Parents lay a lot of importance on the family, and are wary of marrying thier daughter off when they have limited info/details about the family background. . .bcz they do not know how serious/honorable u are. Also - many consider it unsuitable for a young man/woman to pursue a suitor on thier own, rather prefer families to do it for them - that apparently reflects on the 'modesty' of the person. Nothing Islamic abt it, just cultural . . . Islamically nothing wrong with u proposing urself.
 
"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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abuayisha
 
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 24 July 2008 at 6:30am
Originally posted by Amir25

I am such a nice guy...." 
 
I believe you, but don't make her choose between you or her family; move on.
 
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Amir25
 
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Quote Amir25 Replybullet Posted: 24 July 2008 at 1:38pm
Thankyou for your reply Chrysalis, I will attempt to use your way to see if this works, half their family are non practising muslims, apparently I asked and its because I am white, its a backwards way and I am so confused why this is the issue. Hopefully things will move forward, I am in no way going to move on thanks abuayisha because I am in love with this girl far beyond belief. But I will carry on and pursue my job career in IT and hopefully inshallah her family will realise what kind of person I am. Yunno.. her brother swears at her mum and the dad dont do anything, sister does what she wants and sees random boys anytime to see if they are 'suitable' if you want to call it that, shes had more boyfriends than i've eaten hot food, but I am not a person that judges, I will focus on my situation and try to help in anyway I can. Thanks for your help anyway, Its shown me alot and I will be a better muslim and do the things nessisary.

Edited by Amir25 - 24 July 2008 at 1:38pm
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 30 July 2008 at 2:32pm
Salaams,
 
Welcome
 
Did you offer her marriage? And they refused? I am confused... if not it could be what Chrysalis said.. they are upset with the process. But are they refusing marriage? Thatcould absolutely be cultural. Sadly happens alot.
 
Hayfa
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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Amir25
 
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Quote Amir25 Replybullet Posted: 01 August 2008 at 4:34am
Salaam Hayfa,
 
They know I am after marriage but the whole process is because its a cultural thing, I am not pakistani so it cannot happen, apparently her mother and father said that I can be anything apart from white? I dont get the logic for this answer but its true. Sad or what, its because they see white people as drunken dirty no hopers in life, but I am different and have more to offer in life. I am still hopeful that things will turn out right, I see it as Allah has showed me love in this person deeply that I have to fight to keep hold, and I am.
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hijabi4evr
 
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Quote hijabi4evr Replybullet Posted: 21 September 2008 at 6:36am
Amir

just give her family some time to except the fact that you are white then you can ask for her hand in marriage. but if this does not happen, masha allah there are alot of beautiful girls in the world for you to fall in love with and i think it ould be better to move on then.Smile
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fais
 
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Quote fais Replybullet Posted: 30 September 2009 at 10:26pm
Hello Brother,
 
Your will to marry her is similar to mine,when i decided to marry my wife who is my second cousin born and brought up in arab culture and i am from india,there was strong opposition from her father because of the cultural diffrence despite we being second cousins.
 
well finally we married and now after 2 yrs my wife has decided to leave me may be cuase of this cultural difference,my life is upside down with this so i warn you to be carefull of your feelings and hers.
 
i still love her and she says she dont love me at all so its sad end but i have to accept it as allah's will.
 
i will pray same thing does not happen with you as the words you have written is exactly my words when i wanted my wife and i did everything for to get her,so i want you to be successfull.
 
Regards
 
 
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