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Family Matter
 IslamiCity Forum - Islamic Discussion Forum : Culture & Community : Family Matter
Message Icon Topic: should men ask their wives to marry a second woman Post Reply Post New Topic
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peacemaker
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Quote peacemaker Replybullet Posted: 17 August 2010 at 10:59am
Assalamu Alaikum,
 
Sister Yasmeen Dixon, I think it would be better to consult a scholar.
 
Here is the excerpt of a relevant article that you may find useful, insha Allah.
 
The translation of the verse is as follows: "If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of your choice, two, or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then (marry) only one…" (Qur’an 4:3)

From this verse a number of facts are evident:

1 That polygamy is neither mandatory, nor encouraged, but merely permitted.

2 That the permission to practice polygamy is not associated with mere satisfaction of. Rather, it is associated with compassion towards widows and orphans, a matter that is confirmed by the atmosphere in which the verse was revealed.

3 That even in such a situation, the permission is far more restricted than the normal practice which existed among the Arabs and other peoples at that time when many married as many as ten or more wives.

4 That dealing justly with one’s wives is an obligation. This applies to housing, food, clothing, kind treatment…etc., for which the husband is fully responsible. If one is not sure of being able to deal justly with them, the Qur’an says: "then (marry) only one." (Qur’an 4:3)

Then which of the favours of your Lord will ye deny?
Qur'an 55:13
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 18 August 2010 at 1:08am
Asalaam Alaikum,

I agree with Peacemaker, that the restrictions really put boundaries on the whole concept. Hence it is not widely undertaken.

Sister Divya: you know it has become clear to me that men and women think different. What seems unfathomable to most women, is not to alot of men. Its like they don't get us and we don't get them.. you know women are from venus and men from mars... Smile

And yes their are no guarantees. I've 'met' plenty of women who had the same mindset of loving their husbands and they wanted another wife. Especially as people change... from being 30 to 55...


When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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abuayisha
 
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 18 August 2010 at 8:54pm

2 That the permission to practice polygamy is not associated with mere satisfaction of. Rather, it is associated with compassion towards widows and orphans, a matter that is confirmed by the atmosphere in which the verse was revealed.

 

Permission to practice and what’s “associated with” is different from placing legal conditions on the practice of polygamy.  In other words, a man can legally, according to Islam, marry a second wife for much of the same reasons he married his first wife, i.e., love, attraction, family status, wealth, etc.

With respect to widows and orphans certainly it was commendable in some case to marry widows, but the ayah concerning orphan girls and ‘fairness” was that men were marrying wealthy orphan girls under their care for the less than altruistic reasons, but to enrich themselves, thus the admonition came warning them.

That even in such a situation, the permission is far more restricted than the normal practice which existed among the Arabs and other peoples at that time when many married as many as ten or more wives.

Other than limiting the number to four, what evidence is there for “far more restricted than normal….”  Wives must be treated fairly, but even this is only what one has the ability to control.  In other words, his wealth and time are within his ability, but his emotions and love are a different matter.  He will likely love one more than the other.

 

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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 18 August 2010 at 9:08pm
Originally posted by Divya_Mohammed

Assalam Alaikum
 
 
My husband loves me most but I dont have guts to even talk to him to find out his views on taking more wives, lest I dont open a pandora's box.
 
 
 
 
I think women are well advised to go ahead and open Pandora's box, and better prior to marriage, when you can have placed into your marriage contract that your husband not take on any additional wives.  If already married be proactive as often men are extremely fickle and need to be saved from themselves.  They will wreak a perfect family for nothing more than an infatuation and/or sexual tension brought about through inappropriate contact with other women - what is often called emotional infidelity, where under the guise of "dawah" a lot of private and personal discussions are taking place.  Do not stand idly by and allow this to happen, that is, if you care to save your marriage or your position as first and only wife.
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peacemaker
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Quote peacemaker Replybullet Posted: 19 August 2010 at 4:12am
Originally posted by abuayisha

2 That the permission to practice polygamy is not associated with mere satisfaction of. Rather, it is associated with compassion towards widows and orphans, a matter that is confirmed by the atmosphere in which the verse was revealed.

 

Permission to practice and what’s “associated with” is different from placing legal conditions on the practice of polygamy.  In other words, a man can legally, according to Islam, marry a second wife for much of the same reasons he married his first wife, i.e., love, attraction, family status, wealth, etc.

With respect to widows and orphans certainly it was commendable in some case to marry widows, but the ayah concerning orphan girls and ‘fairness” was that men were marrying wealthy orphan girls under their care for the less than altruistic reasons, but to enrich themselves, thus the admonition came warning them.

That even in such a situation, the permission is far more restricted than the normal practice which existed among the Arabs and other peoples at that time when many married as many as ten or more wives.

Other than limiting the number to four, what evidence is there for “far more restricted than normal….”  Wives must be treated fairly, but even this is only what one has the ability to control.  In other words, his wealth and time are within his ability, but his emotions and love are a different matter.  He will likely love one more than the other.

 

 
Assalamu Alaikum,
 
I think the writer has tried to convey the Islamic spirit that should prevail prior to practicing polygamy. If that spirit is absent, it is very likey that this practice would be abused.
 
Legalities are applied in the real life situations. Our prophet (SAW) was the best example to show how he did it. His first wife, Khadijah (RA), was fifteen years older than him. 
 
With regards to restrictions, a woman can mention her preferences in the marriage contract. If her husband violates the contractual agreement, she may take him to the court.
 
Furthermore, an important Qur'anic injuction discourages one to practice it if he thinks that he would be unable to deliver the required justice to all his wives.
 
If one is not sure of being able to deal justly with them, the Qur’an says: "then (marry) only one." (Qur’an 4:3)
 
Allah knows the best.
 
May Allah guide us all.
 
Peace
 
 
 
 


Edited by peacemaker - 19 August 2010 at 4:24am
Then which of the favours of your Lord will ye deny?
Qur'an 55:13
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Chrysalis
 
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Quote Chrysalis Replybullet Posted: 19 August 2010 at 7:30am
Originally posted by abuayisha

[
 
I think women are well advised to go ahead and open Pandora's box, and better prior to marriage, when you can have placed into your marriage contract that your husband not take on any additional wives.


I agree bro, however when I think about it - is that very realistic? I can only imagine the reaction of the prospective groom and his family if the girl or her family asks "do you ever plan on contracting a second marriage?". I don't know about other cultures, but in the subcontinent at least, where the culture is conservative and the Groom's side usually has an upper hand in marriage negotiations - too many questions from the girl's side are not welcomed. Apparently its a 'reflection' of how troublesome (read independent) the wife is going to be......

Unless of course the prospective groom is a pious individual or broad-minded. Which is a rarity in itself.

This is only possible if the girl is a strong individual, has her family's support - and no external pressures to get married immediately.


I
"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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Quote Chrysalis Replybullet Posted: 19 August 2010 at 7:49am
I think the best way for already married women to deal with the "possibility" of sharing their husband with another is not to obsess about it. I think if a wife constantly fears/worries that her husband might do something like that - she is going to lose all her trust, self-confidence and self-esteem.... and when that happens, she is going to worry all the time. This is going to effect her mood, humor, temper, personality and emotional connectivity. If that happens, even if the husband wasn't planning such a thing - he is going to find her less interesting or attractive. So even if he never marries, it still ended up destroying the marriage relations. (this applies to all women in all relationships who may obsess about the possibility of their partner cheating or straying)..not only muslim 2nd marriages)


So Muslimahs should be strong and confident. We can only manage/control things to an extent, beyond that its no longer in our control, so its better not to try and take on burdens that were never meant for us i.e. don't fret about something that you have no control over - and leave the rest to Allah. Smile

But still... don't be a door-mat and let your husband get away with anything while leaving it to fate - like Abuayisha said, be proactive and make it clear that such an event would make you unhappy. (in a nice way, or humorously perhaps). Sometimes husbands need their wives to step up and show a bit of strength... (right?)


"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 19 August 2010 at 10:24am
I agree Chyrsalis if a man is going to either "cheat" or marry a 2nd to going to happen. We Muslims should strive for balance.. being assertive and yet helpful. We should be kind, giving and loving, but being a doormat is nowhere part of Islam. We are told are rights quite explicitly.

And you are right about culture, where you are and the society you live in determines many of what we do.  I know many sisters who are taught so much to rely upon the family to make decisions for them that they would not even think to say too much.

On one hand it may be why we"western" women appear attractive cause we are more independent and less "needy" to get things done, but as many men have found out, we are also far, far more assertive usually and as a culture are taught to speak up for ourselves. This is not universal of course.

I agree if we can discuss it beforehand, before the emotional attachment, so much the better.
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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