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Family Matter
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Message Icon Topic: should men ask their wives to marry a second woman Post Reply Post New Topic
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imanchhammoudeh
 
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Quote imanchhammoudeh Replybullet Topic: should men ask their wives to marry a second woman
    Posted: 28 June 2008 at 10:18am
Assalamu alaikom everyone,
 
I'm a woman who has been happily married for 6 years and have two kids. i thinks that my husband might not be as happy with me as i am with him. we keep debating about wether or net a man should ask kis wife to marry another woman. I personally think he should ask the first wife, but he says no. I over heard him talking to one of his friends that if a man should marry a second, that he should do it secretly, without letting his first wife know. because that would cause lots of trouble. i think it would get him into more trouble if he does it his way.
 
i need someone to tell me if my husband's right or i'm right...or just tell us what is right from wrong.
 
Wa Jazakum Allahu khairan
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starmoment
 
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Quote starmoment Replybullet Posted: 30 June 2008 at 11:59am
asalam aleikum sister.
Your husband has to tell you, since it will affect you, and ir
t,s according to quran and sunnah.
masalama starmoment.
 
i mean 6 years 2 kids, this serious business for you, you have your rithts as a muslimah
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Chrysalis
 
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Quote Chrysalis Replybullet Posted: 02 July 2008 at 2:54am
There is no such thing as a "secret Nikah" / secret marriage. . . one of the essential requirements of a Nikah is its publicity i.e. presence of witnesses, not only those who bear verbal witness, but stand-bys. . . so that any Fitnah can be avoided. . . and the man is able to announce his honourable intentions.
 
There are ahadith that mention that one should invite as many guests as they can on the Nikah .  . .and make it as public as possible.
 
If the muslim state sees that men are abusing the privelage of more than one wife, or any other Islamic privelage. . . they can make a law that safeguards women, temporarily. Because the larger interest of women or society is more important.
 
Thus, a man SHOULD at the LEAST , INFORM his wife that he is marrying a 2nd time. Especially since his family-life is given importance by Islam. .  .and if the woman is unhappy with it, it affects a family - AND the kids. There are countries that make it illegal for a man to conduct a 2nd marriage without permission by the first wife, because men were abusing this right. . . and the females were suffering. . .
 
There is such a thing as a "Secret Affair", but no such thing as a "Secret Nikah". The mere fact that  a man is conducting a secret marriage means he is doing something wrong. If he cares enough for the wife, rather than going thru the trouble of keeping everuthing a secret, he make things work with the 1rst one. If they keep it a secret, it is to keep thier reputation of that of a "faithful' man . . .and so ppl dont point fingers at them. (many do so due to a midlife crisis, and want a younger wife to iflate the ego)
 
Disclaimer: I am all for Islamic polygyny . . .IF done the Islamic way, for Islamic reasons. . . . . NOT in favour of men misusing it and defaming Islam.
 
 
 


Edited by Chrysalis - 17 September 2008 at 10:02pm
"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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martha
 
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Quote martha Replybullet Posted: 02 July 2008 at 5:02am

Everything regarding Islam should be out in the open. That includes multiple marriages. Although permission is not needed from the first wife, the husband nevertheless should tell her he is taking another wife. To do it otherwise is deceitful and can cause so much hurt.

It's sad that men have such an ego that they forget the example of the Prophet(pbuH) All his wives knew the score, and had a choice whether to stay or leave. A man who secretly marries a second wife is really asking for trouble at some point.  NOT because he has a 2nd wife, but because he was deceitful with the 1st.
 
Even in some countries where there are restrictions as such, ie needing permision from 1st wife to marry 2nd , men can and do abuse that way too, and the man doesnt inform the authorities of the 1st wife.
 
And Chrysalis is quite right to say that a secret marriage means the man is doing something wrong. He really needs to get closer to Allah and understand Islam more. If  women were treated more compassionately then the polygyny issue would  probably not arise. It takes effort from the man to explain all, and guide the 1st wife through the proccess, not just land her with knowledge of a 2nd and with comments such as 'in Islam a man can have more than one wife etc so put up with it'. Personally I think men have more issues with polygyny than the women, hence the secrecy.
 
some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set
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abuayisha
 
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 02 July 2008 at 8:11am

"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds..." —Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

A foolish consistency is one that serves no benefit for the end user.  Sure it’s better not to tell your wife especially when she knows, and can articulate how idiotic the idea is – and when you don’t want to listen to a voice of reason.  Of course keep it a hush-hush from your wife because she familiar with; the fact that you are unable to support another wife, that the sister you desire to marry would likely be devastating for your family, that all the time you spend on the internet has borne this result, knowing you’re a little “put upon” due to my having one child after another – and not having enough time to properly coddle you and your whims, that your prospect who is younger than your own daughter will not  correct your inabilities, that plural marriage is illegal in your country, the truth that you are unable to emotionally or maturely deal with your present marriage, and that taking another wife would greatly hurt her. 

 

From a pure fiqh position informing your wife prior to marriage is not a condition for the legitimacy of the second marriage; however, fiqh assumes that we have intelligence!  What sane, sensible or rational man would not share and explore such a major decision with his wife?  Is a man able to give up a good paying professional career to work for Walmart without telling his wife?  What is the permissibility of suddenly and without telling your wife that you have decided to move the family from Los Angeles to Nigeria – making “hijrah” to Nigeria? ‘MOVE TO NIGERIA???’  What, are you crazy, she says?   ‘YOU QUIT YOUR JOB TO WORK AT WALMART?’ Heavens, what were you thinking, she tells him.  ‘WAIT A MINUTE – DID YOU JUST SAY I GOT MARRIED TODAY?!!! 

 

A basic and fundament principal in our religion is that – there shall be no harm.  Harm of an individual is always taken into consideration and greater harm is eliminated by a lesser harm.  Brothers should not harm their wives by always talking about taking another wife, or searching the internet in her presents looking at or for other women.  What about the fiqh of treating women with kindness?  Wallah-ul-Musta'aan!



Edited by abuayisha - 02 July 2008 at 11:22am
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seekn
 
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Quote seekn Replybullet Posted: 05 July 2008 at 6:07pm
Assalamu Alikum,

Thank you above! I was getting somewhat worried reading this thread.

"He will not be asked about what He does, but they will be asked." (al-Anbiya' 21: 23)
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Nausheen
 
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Quote Nausheen Replybullet Posted: 10 July 2008 at 11:52pm
yeah, even I got mixed up, because fiqh does not entail one has to make the second marriage open to the first wife.
 
Only exception I have heard is when something of the sort is said in the marriage contract. wallahu alam.
Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa
Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena
wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.
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Chrysalis
 
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Quote Chrysalis Replybullet Posted: 13 July 2008 at 1:35am
Originally posted by Nausheen

yeah, even I got mixed up, because fiqh does not entail one has to make the second marriage open to the first wife.
 
Only exception I have heard is when something of the sort is said in the marriage contract. wallahu alam.
 
That is true Nausheen, that in fiqh there is no such injunction which makes it compuslory for the man to "ask" his first wife etc. When there are no injunctions in Fiqh, Shariah, Sunnah about a particular issue - that leaves a Grey area, and Muslims are allowed to use Ijtihad, Ijma, Qiyas etc to form a consensus. Another more reliable way is to follow the Sahabah, especially the Ashrah-e-Mubassharah.
 
And we know from history that there were occasions during Umar's (R.A.) khilafat, that certain unforseen circumstances took place, in which muslims started to misuse Islamic Injunctions and created problems for the society. 2 such examples I can quote are when women started demanding sky-high Mahr amounts that men couldnt afford - and another when Divorces became so rampant that the same couple would be divorcing and remarrying each other. Thus Umar (R.A) made temporary policy changes to deal with the current issue at hand. Does that mean they were to be implemented on all muslims for the end of time? No. Just to deal with a specific problem in a specific area, at a specific time. Which is why those policies were abrogated later.
 
Hence, if a Muslim State observes certain unislamic trends on the rise - and yet they are not specifically dealt with in Islam/Shariah - the state, as a guardian of the Public, and responsible for wellbieng of every citizen has a right to make such temporary policies to deal with that issue. . . . For example, lets take the present issue at hand - All muslim men do not abuse thier right to 4-wives. . . . yet some do. Infact we can even pinpoint geographical areas where such abuses take place, because old-traditions/culture are at play. . . such as south-east asia for EXAMPLE. And thus it becomes the State's responsibility to deal with such issues in society and not turn the other way, simply because an injunction cannot be found in Shariah. It should be kept in mind, that in Islamic Law, certain aspects such as the Hadd-Laws are not changeable. . . but there are felxible aspects in it as well.
"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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