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Groups – Women (Sisters)
 IslamiCity Forum - Islamic Discussion Forum : Culture & Community : Groups – Women (Sisters)
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Rose
 
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Quote Rose Replybullet Posted: 08 July 2005 at 7:17am

al salam 3olaikom

Jenni'

Who doesn't have problems? I am married and alhamdullah I have in-laws I call them my 2nd parents, All you need is respect. And yes I get into some problems and the only person I can talk to about it is my husband.

To make their daughter in-law a maid??? I don't think they consider her a part of the familly then... It is very nice to help out and make yourself at home, if I should say. I liked   MOCKBA's way of writing   .

It is a big issue and I know lots of women suffer from thier in-laws. All I could say is that I empasize the point that the husband plays the biggest role towards this.

Hope you all the best

Salam

A thorn defends the rose,harming only those who would steal the blossom
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amna_ali
 
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Quote amna_ali Replybullet Posted: 08 July 2005 at 8:44am

Asslamaualikum

Jenni you are right there is both joined as well as seperate family system in PAkistan. There are certain pros and cons involved in both.

In a joint family system its more a mattre of give and take. In this system, I think in the beginning, more responsibility lies on the boy's parents to give some time to their daughter-in-law to adjust in an entirely differnt environment. Adjustment takes time. They must give her time to understand the family routine. Doaughter-in-law should also be prepared to face certain unexpected situations. Patience is required. One should not have high hopes. And its better to fulfil ones duties rather to tell others about theirs. Problems arise when both parties try to point out each others weaknesses.

Ours is a joint family system. And Alhumdolillah we are a happy family. Respect is the key factor of this contentment. My sisters-in-law really very good and of understanding nature. They respect my parents. They do all household works considering it their own home. I think good atmosphere at home more depends on mother-in-law in joint family systems. And alhumdolillah my mother never interfere in the personal matters of her son and daughter-in-law. She loves her daughters-in-law as she loves us. No difference. If she buys new clothes for me she never forgets to buy for my bhabhis(sister-in-law). There are some clashes but these are part of life. Mashallah we enjoy good family relationship.

You respect and in return you'll get respect. Allah's system is just. Good intentions always lead to good results.

May Allah keep us away from any ill-will.

Ma Salaam

Kind words and the covering of faults are better than charity followed by injury. God is free of all wants and He is most forebearing. (Al baqra: 263)
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Jenni
 
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Quote Jenni Replybullet Posted: 08 July 2005 at 1:46pm
Salaam all, as I said in the beggining my in laws are nice and I care for them alot. However when they come and stay in my house I expect them to pitch in and help out. We have no maid like they do in Pakistan and I am not thier maid. One of my friends mother in laws does not even make her bed or clean her own bathroom when she comes and stays with her. I guess since I grew up in Utah I am used to everyone pitching in, even the old people and children. My grandmother is 76 and would never want to sit around and be served. My whole point in this thread is to state that families need to treat there daughter in laws better, she will Inshalla be with thier son long after they are gone. They should foster a loving relationship between husband and wife. Mother in laws need to be less nosey and remember that the daughter in law is her own person and does not need to just follow orders.
You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.
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Khadija1021
 
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Quote Khadija1021 Replybullet Posted: 08 July 2005 at 6:12pm

Assalamu Alaikum,

 

I am currently not married, however, I have been in a marriage where my in-laws treated me as a maid.  It was so bad that I was lucky if they bothered to leave me anything to eat after I cooked and cleaned all day.  I was not allowed to eat with then.  I had to wait until they have “had their fill.”  I did laundry outside by hand in an old wringer washer as well…and not just my own.  What made this even worse is that I was not living with them.  I had merely gone to visit when my husband decided I should stay with them for a few months to get to know them better.  I had also given birth, by cesarean with major complication, only a month prior to that visit.  It was the worse three months of my life.  Later on, when I went to my mother-in-law to ask her for her help because he son was getting drunk and beating on me, she laughed in my face and said I would get used to it.

 

Some of you may be thinking that I must have married someone from a third world country; however, this is not the case.  Nor were they poor.  They lived right here in the United States.  The truth of the matter is that bad people are simply bad people.  And by the way, they were not Muslim…nor was I at the time.

 

Jenni, I would suggest that you simply not let any behavior you are not willing to live with to do continue for long…habits are hard to break, especially when there are others involved who are more than willing to have you continue.  Have you taken your mother-in-law on a tour of the house to show her where the cleaning suppliers are, where the washer/dryer is and where the dishwasher is?  Maybe if you point out these things to them in a pleasant way, she will get the hint that it is her responsibility to clean up after herself.

 

PAZ,

Khadija

Say: 'My prayer and my rites, my living and my dying, are for Allah alone, the Lord of all the worlds. (Qur'an, 6:162)
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ZEA J
 
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Quote ZEA  J Replybullet Posted: 02 August 2005 at 3:17pm
when i used to live with my in-laws they treated me as their maid.They criticized me no matter what i did.  even though my husband didn't know what his family  did to me i still blame him for every thing that happened to me,because he was not paying much atenssion , he had recently asked his family to apologize to me and they did,i have forgiven them, but, will never forget what they did to me.

Edited by ZEA J
"You will never attain piety and righteousness,(and eventually paradise)until you
spend of that which you love."(Al-Imran:92)
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Jenni
 
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Quote Jenni Replybullet Posted: 02 August 2005 at 3:20pm
Zea, I am glad things are better. You should never allow your inlaws to mistreat you again. In islam it is not your dutie to serve and obey them. The marriage is between you and your husband. And a husband is responsible for making sure his family treats his wife well. I hope things continue to be good for you..
You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.
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ummsaleh
 
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Quote ummsaleh Replybullet Posted: 03 August 2005 at 12:06pm
I understand Jenni, I have other friends who are in your shoes. As for me Humdillah i was so lucky w/ my m-in-law. She was my second mother and she kept my marriage going and taught me patiences. We lost her last year and still miss her. We have other family member who bother us. I hate when they come to borrow money and then go buy the most expensive  in town and eat at the best resturants and then come back asking for more money because they will be kicked out of their house or lose their car. Another thread.......... It's nice to help, but i hate being taken advantaged of..I thought that taking a loan; meanings paying the person back....Not in our family
Lost somewhere in the Middle East.
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amah
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Quote amah Replybullet Posted: 18 March 2006 at 10:07am
Assalaamu'alaikum Dear Sisters,

Just happened to discover this forum and just joined.........

My story  is not probably as sad as some of you....nevertheless, i am suffering stress at the hands of my in laws, would really like to have some advice from any of you. Insha Allah will post my problem sometime later........just came here to introduce myself.......

wassalaam........
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