Assalamu'alaikum sisters,

I've been lurking on this forum for the past few hours, masha'allah you all
give excellent advice! I hope you can help me gain some perspective on
this issue:

I have recently divorced my husband through khula. It was entirely
against his wishes, he has never wanted this divorce, and is convinced
that we can make our marriage work, but I had lost faith in him after 1
and a half years of experiencing problems (8 months of that in marriage).

I saw him recently, where he convinced me to give him another chance. I
still believe that he will not be able to change, but I love him very much,
and I know he loves me too, hence I wanted to give it one more try, for
his sake.

Just before he convinced me to come back to him however, he told me he
had a 'fling' with a married woman that ended just a few days ago. He
had been talking to this woman via email to get over me, and recently this
woman had come back to his flat, where they kissed (he says SHE kissed
him) briefly. At the time I was shocked, but didn't think too much of it,
since he says the ISC had called him to tell him he was divorced a week
ago.

However, now, the more I think about it, the harder I am finding it to put
behind me. I am feeling physically sick from what I think is a betrayal. I
don't understand how he could love me as insanely as he does, and allow
another woman to touch him. Even worse, a married woman. He has
always had the strictest principles masha'allah, on things like this, but he
says our divorce has left him wondering what is the point of holding on to
his islamic principles, if the woman he was waiting for has divorced him.

I called him to tell him I could not come back to him in these
circumstances - he is distraught and making noises about ending his life,
quitting his job (the woman he had a fling with works there).

Am I being unreasonable? Can I put this behind me? He says he knows he
made a terrible mistake, and that was why he called me the next day,
crying. But that he thought we were divorced and there was no hope for
us, and that he wanted to do anything to get over me. I feel ill when I
think about them together. I believe him that it was no more than a kiss,
but I am sure it was not as chaste as he says it was.

If we really are divorced (I have not received any confirmation yet) then I
suppose he has not betrayed our marriage, but I feel he has betrayed me.
I want to get over this, but I don't know if I can ever trust him again.
Does anyone have any advice for me, it would be most gratefully received.

Jazakallakhair

Assalamu'Alaikum Sis, One other thing to add and might be very important! You said he got confirmation that the divorce is final well if that's the case under Islamic Law he can't remarry  you until you've married another man and than divorced him on mutual grounds. You can read Surah An-Nisa it will explain everything. JazakAllahuKhair

WaAlaikumAssalaam Sis, See that's where my level of knowledge leaves off. You need to speak with an Imam about all of this or the service you used for the divorce. The other thing thats been bouncing around in my head since I posted last is: you mentioned Divorce and Khula and that you initiated it? I might be wrong and you should really get the final advice from an Imam but I was under the impression that Khula was an Annulment and that only the husband could initiate the Taluqs(spelling? sorry) but than you mentioned divorce again. You might need to verify what it says on your paperwork that was sent to your husband to see just what it says for sure. Bottom line is you have to know that the choices you make from this point on are the best ones for you and not ones made out of guilt or pressure. JazakAllahuKhair

Sister Hayfa, you are right, he is a very emotional person. Unfortunately this
can't be explained by his age, he is 28 years old, and old enough to know
better.

Thanks for the help, I have contacted the ISC and have determined that we
are not divorced until he signs the talaq nama. If he does not sign it, they
will dissolve, but not annul the nikah.

We have decided to go for counselling, although I am not sure yet that I can
put this hurt behind me. Please pray for us, and especially for my husband.

Sister I have a question (something a lot of women miss).....

If you divorced your husband and he had a "fling" with another woman how did he betray YOU? You divorced him and you in that lapse in your relationship was not committed to each other.....