Pleasing parents

Q447 :My parents disagreed on the choice of the girl whom I should marry. My father wanted me to marry his sister's daughter, while my mother was determined that such a marriage does not take place. Later my father died with the dispute still going on between them. I did not marry because I wanted to please both. After my father's death, my mother continued with her opposition, but I was under pressure from other relatives to marry my cousin; they said that the only way to be dutiful to my father was to do what he wished. Later I proposed to someone else, but this pleased no one. Eventually my mother agreed reluctantly to my choice. Will I be committing a sin if I marry this girl?

A447 : No, you are not deliberately disobeying your parents over a matter that concerns them. Marriage concerns you in the first place. Their wishes are to be treated as a recommendation, not an order. Since they could not agree between them on the same choice, then you are not at fault for holding back. Now even if they agreed and you did not like the girl they chose for you, then you are still not obliged to marry the girl they chose, because marriage is a bond for life and your opinion is the one to be taken first and foremost. Now that your father has passed away, his wish with regard to your marriage is merely a wish which has to be balanced against your views on whether the marriage he proposed for you would be successful, happy or otherwise. He might have thought of other considerations which may not be of importance to you. This matter is yours. Since you say that your mother is willing to accept her; there is no disobedience to her on this count. As for your other relatives, you are free whether to take their advice or not. The Prophet has outlined the criteria for selecting a good wife. He says "A woman may be sought in marriage for any of the four things: Her wealth, beauty, family ties and religious standards. Choose the one with a firm faith so that you may be successful." With such a clear advice from the Prophet, who needs more?

Our Dialogue ( Source : Arab News - Jeddah )